


Sincerely, E - Stories

by hopefulminty



Series: Sincerely, E [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Getting Together, Graduation, Hanukkah, M/M, New Year's Eve, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-02-18 19:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13107030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopefulminty/pseuds/hopefulminty
Summary: A collection of short stories/scenes that take place before, during, and afterSincerely, E.





	1. Hanukkah with the Kleinmans

**Author's Note:**

> I've started writing short stories/scenes that take place at different times in the Sincerely, E universe. First up, four holiday-related chapters. I have a few other ideas that I will probably get around to writing eventually.
> 
> Prompts/requests are welcome. I'm not going to promise that I'll write them because I'm ultimately a very selfish writer who writes what she wants to write because she wants to write it. I will at least consider any and all ideas that are mentioned though. And who knows? If they spark something in my brain, then I will definitely go with them.

**Saturday, December 8, 2007 (Jared, age 7; Henry, age 9)**

“Nun!” Henry cried and reached for the pile. “I win again! You really suck at this!”

Jared frowned and narrowed his eyes at the dreidel. “But-but… When I got nun, you said-”

“I win, you lose! Nah-nah-nah-nah!” Henry stuck his tongue out at his brother before taking a victory sip of his soda.

“I’m not playing anymore,” Jared decided angrily. “It’s a stupid game.”

“Is not!” Henry jeered.

“Is too!” Jared insisted. His bottom lip stuck out as he eyed his brother’s stash of chocolate gelt. He didn’t understand the game at all. There were so many rules and Henry kept adding new ones. Jared was starting to get the idea that his brother might be cheating, but he didn’t know how to prove it.

“You big baby,” Henry smirked. “You’re just used to playing with Mom and Dad. They still let you win.”

Jared made a face at his brother before running out of the room. He could hear Henry laughing as he dashed to the kitchen. 

His parents were busy preparing dinner when he ran in. Jared made a beeline for his mother and tugged on her pants. “Mom! Henry called me a bad name!”

His mother looked down and sighed when she saw his expression. “Oh, sweetie, can’t you two get along tonight? We have company coming over for dinner.”

“But-”

“Go sit with your grandmother in the living room. She has a special surprise for you.”

Jared’s face lit up as he took off again. He skidded to a stop in front of his grandmother and looked up at her expectantly. 

“Come here, bubbeleh,” his grandmother said serenely. She took a seat on the couch and patted the spot next to her. Jared eagerly plopped down and eyed the bag in her hands. “What’s this I hear about you and your brother fighting today?”

Jared’s eyes widened at her words. “Henry called me a bad name!”

“Did he now?”

“He called me a big baby,” Jared pouted.

His grandmother smiled and ruffled his hair. “Well, you’re not one of those now, are you?”

Jared shook his head firmly.

“I would hope not. Otherwise, I’m going to have to return your present.”

Jared wiggled excitedly as she handed him the bag. He tore into it and pulled out a video game. “It’s for ages ten and up!”

“Now, would I give that to a baby?”

Jared shook his head and grinned as he examined the box. His head shot up as a thought popped into his it. “Hey, Bubbe, would you teach me how to play dreidel?”

 

**Monday, December 22, 2008 (Jared, age 8)**

“Why don’t we have a Christmas tree?” Jared whined as he watched his mother flip the latkes. 

“Because we don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“Evan has a Christmas tree.”

“Evan celebrates Christmas.”

“And Hanukkah,” Jared nodded. “Why don’t we celebrate Christmas too?”

“Because we’re Jewish.”

“Is Evan Jewish?”

His mother put down the spatula and turned to face him. “Evan’s part-Jewish.”

“Oh,” Jared frowned. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” His mother knelt down and put a hand on his shoulder. “Did something happen at school today?”

Jared looked away quickly. “No…”

“Did someone say something or-”

“Connor Murphy said I must be really bad because Santa never comes to our house,” Jared blurted the words out without thinking. His hands quickly flew up to cover his mouth and he stared down at the floor.

“Oh, honey-”

“It’s just, well, I was thinking maybe if we got a Christmas tree, then Santa would-”

“Sweetie, there’s no such thing as Santa Claus.”

“What?” Jared’s head snapped up quickly.

His mother smiled and shook her head. “Santa is a myth. Your classmates will figure that out soon enough, if they haven’t already.”

Jared’s eyes lit up and he ran out of the room without another word.

“Jared,” his mother called after him. “Sweetie, that’s just between us, okay? Don’t go telling-” Mrs. Kleinman sighed and shook her head. She could hear her son cackling from two rooms away. “Damn it.”

 

**Saturday, December 24, 2011 (Jared, age 11; Henry, age 13)**

“Bor-ach etta eddie-”

Henry stopped speaking and turned to glare at his brother. “Mom! Jared’s laughing at me!”

Mrs. Kleinman pinched Jared’s arm until he stopped laughing and squinted up at her. “Go on, Henry. You’re doing fine.”

“He’s not saying it right,” Jared snickered.

“Mom!”

“Jared, stop picking on your brother. He has to practice his Hebrew.”

Jared made a face and pretended to sew his mouth shut.

Henry’s shoulders stiffened as he finished stumbling his way through the blessing. He looked so relieved when he was done that Jared had to force himself not to roll his eyes.

“It’ll be your turn in two years, shrimp,” Henry hissed as soon as their parents were out of earshot.

Jared swallowed his panic and scowled at his brother. “I could’ve done a better job than you tonight and I haven’t even been practicing.”

“Could not.”

“Could too.”

“Could not.”

“Could too times infinity.”

“You want to bet? I’ll bet you a hundred dollars that you screw up your bar mitzvah.”

Jared frowned and shook his brother’s hand. “Deal.”

Henry smirked as he turned to go. “It’ll be the easiest hundred bucks I’ll ever make.”

Jared’s frown deepened as he realized what he’d just done. “Mom? Dad? Where are your old Hebrew books? I want to look at them.”

 

**Saturday, December 20, 2014 (Jared, age 14; Henry, age 16; Ian, age 16)**

“Beat it, kid.”

Jared narrowed his eyes at his cousin Ian. “I’m not a kid.”

“Beat it anyway,” Ian smirked.

“It’s cool, Ian,” Henry shrugged. “Jared’s cool.”

Jared struggled not to do a double take at his brother’s words. “Yeah, I am.”

“Cool enough to hang with us?” Ian raised his eyebrows at Henry.

“Sure,” Henry shrugged.

Jared swallowed his grin as he finished climbing down the basement stairs. “What’re you guys doing down here?”

Ian exchanged a glance with Henry before waving a bottle of wine at Jared. “Just chilling.”

“Does Mom know you have that?” Jared cringed as soon as the words left his mouth.

“Oh, yeah, for sure,” Henry snickered.

“You want a sip?” Ian grinned as he dangled the bottle in front of Jared.

Jared looked at his brother quickly before accepting it and taking a swig. 

“Don’t get drunk, Jare,” Henry warned. “Mom will have my head if you get drunk.”

Jared shoved the bottle in Ian’s direction and sat on the floor next to them. “Is this what you’ve been doing all night?”

“Pretty much,” Henry nodded. “You get tired of spinning the dreidel?”

“Elena threw a tantrum when I beat her. Aunt Esther said I should’ve let her win.”

Henry laughed and shook his head. “You guys want to go play video games in our room?”

Jared nodded and pushed himself back off the ground.

Ian put up a finger to stop them. “One second.” 

Henry and Jared watched in amazement as he chugged the rest of the wine.

“Okay. Now we can go.”

 

**Saturday, December 16, 2017 (Jared, age 17; Evan, age 17; Connor, age 18; Zoe, age 17)**

“The song lied.”

Jared tilted his head at Connor. “What?”

“That dreidel song. You know, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay. This isn’t clay.” Connor frowned as he turned the dreidel over in his hand. 

Zoe elbowed her brother until he handed it back to Jared. “Okay. So, how do you play?”

Jared grinned as he exchanged a look with Evan. He decided to ignore the fact that Evan was mouthing the word ‘don’t’ at him.

“All right, first you have to put some money in the pot. Traditionally, gentiles – that’s you two – have to put in at least ten bucks. Jews don’t have to buy in. Technically, Evan should have to put in a couple dollars since he’s only part-Jewish, but I’ll let it slide this time since I know he’s broke.”

Jared smirked as the Murphys reached for their wallets. He could tell they were skeptical about what he was saying, but they didn’t put up a fight. 

Jared tapped his chin as he looked at the others. “So, the rules are pretty complicated. It all depends on the lighting and the speed at which the dreidel falls and… You know what? I think I’ll just explain it as we play.”


	2. Christmas with the Becks

**Saturday, December 2, 2006 (Alana, age 6; Alicia, age 7; Alan, age 9; Alice, age 11)**

“Over here, over here. Look at the birdie. That’s it. Just like that.”

The flash went off several times. Alana could feel Alicia’s nails digging into her shoulder. She longed to turn around and smack her sister’s hand away, but the man with the camera fussed every time she moved.

“I have to sneeze,” Alan warned his sisters.

“Don’t you dare!” Alice cried. She nearly took Alicia down with her when she tried to jump away from Alan. 

“Maybe we should take a break,” Mrs. Beck suggested lightly.

The photographer flipped through the photos on his camera and nodded. “I think we have a couple good ones, actually. Why don’t you take a look and see what you think?”

Alana dangled her feet over the side of the block while she waited for instructions. Her sisters were already standing in front of the mirrors and alternating between making silly faces and striking poses. 

“I want to go home,” Alana whined. She stuck her lip out as she turned to look at Alan. “My tights itch and my shoes hurt and this dress is all scratchy. Feel.”

Alan reached over and touched the fabric. “Eww! That’s worse than my sweater.”

“But, you’re both going to look just precious,” Mr. Beck grinned as he snuck up on them. 

“How much longer, Daddy?” Alana clasped her hands under her chin and beamed up at her father.

“We’re almost done,” Mr. Beck promised. 

“You said that an hour ago,” Alan reminded him.

“And I’m sure I meant it,” Mr. Beck smiled weakly.

“Why aren’t you and Mommy in the picture?” Alana wondered.

“Who would want a picture of us?” Mr. Beck scoffed. “People only want to get Christmas cards with our darling children on them.”

“Okay,” Mrs. Beck announced happily. “I think we’ve got it.”

Alana grabbed her father’s hands as he helped her down. Her family gathered around the man’s computer. Alana jumped up and down while she tried to see what everyone was looking at. Her father finally took pity on her and lifted her up so she could look at the picture too.

It was a good picture. Alana smiled as she studied everyone’s faces. Alice looked like a model. She had a hand on her hip and was grinning at the camera like she was the happiest girl on Earth. Alan was leaning against the block and laughing. Alana giggled when she looked at herself. The gap where her loose tooth had been looked funny in the picture. She beamed up at her parents when they declared that she looked adorable.

As for Alicia, well… She looked fine. She was smiling nicely and her hair was behaving for once. 

Alana decided not to tell anyone about the booger she saw in Alicia’s nose.

 

**Wednesday, December 24, 2008 (Alana, age 8; Alan, age 11)**

Alana chewed on her pen while she studied the notebook in front of her. She’d already filled ten pages and she’d only been writing in it for an hour. She frowned when she realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. 

Alana pulled herself off the floor and scurried across the hall to her brother’s room. His door was open, so she walked right in.

“Hey, Lanie,” Alan said without looking up from his comic book. “What’re you working on now? It’s Christmas!”

“I know,” Alana nodded firmly. “That’s what I’m working on.”

Alan put down his comic and stared at his sister. “You’re working on Christmas?”

Alana looked over her shoulder quickly before shutting his door. “I’m trying to figure out if Santa’s real.”

“What?” Alan laughed.

Alana plopped down on his bed and showed him her notebook. “Jared Kleinman said he isn’t. That’s not what made me do this though.” She waved her notebook in the air. “I’ve been wondering about it for a while, actually. It doesn’t make sense, does it? How can one guy deliver presents to all the kids in the world? Even if there is such a thing as magic, it just doesn’t-”

“Lanie,” Alan cut in. “Don’t do this.”

“What?”

“You’re the baby. It’ll break Mom’s heart if you stop believing.”

Alana pulled back and scrunched her face up at him. “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

“I believe in the spirit of giving,” Alan said softly. 

Alana stared at him for a moment. “So, there really isn’t a Santa Claus.”

Alan sighed and shook his head. “Don’t tell Alicia.”

 

**Friday, December 23, 2011 (Alana, age 11; Alicia, age 12; Alan, age 14; Alice, age 16)**

“This isn’t a Christmas movie,” Alice grumbled.

“It is too,” Alan insisted. “It’s right there in the title. _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. It’s totally a Christmas movie!”

“It is not!” Alice argued. “Pick another one.”

“We haven’t watched Rudolph yet,” Alicia reminded them. “Or _The Polar Express_. Guys, we haven’t watched _The Polar Express_ yet!”

“It’s my turn to pick and this is what we’re watching!” Alan stubbornly declared. “If you don’t like it, you can choose something else when it’s your turn.”

Alice made a face at him and stood up. “I’m going to go help Mom bake cookies.”

“Me too,” Alicia nodded. “I hate this movie. It freaks me out.”

“You going too?” Alan asked Alana.

Alana shook her head. “I love _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Sally’s my favorite Disney character.”

Alan grinned and hit play. “It’s totally a Christmas movie, isn’t it?”

“Totally,” Alana agreed. She laughed as her brother bumped fists with her.

 

**Thursday, December 25, 2014 (Alana, age 14; Alicia, age 15; Alan, age 17; Alice, age 19; Aliza and Alex, age 2)**

The puppy yelped as one of the twins grabbed her tail. It happened so fast that Alana wasn’t sure which toddler was the culprit.

“Come here, girl,” Alana cooed. She grinned as the puppy ran over and climbed in her lap. 

“What about Bella?” Alicia suggested. 

“Like Bella from Twilight?” Alana wrinkled her nose at her sister. “We’re not naming our dog after her.”

“No, well, yeah, but Bella’s a good name, isn’t it? It’s pretty.”

“I like Bella,” Alice nodded.

“How about Goldie since she’s a golden retriever,” Mr. Beck chimed in.

“That’s what I named my goldfish in second grade,” Alan reminded him.

“How about Anna? Like Anna from _Frozen_?” Alice asked. “Aliza will love that and it goes with our A-theme.”

“What about Sally?” Alana blurted out. She laughed as the puppy licked her chin. “I think she likes that one.”

“I vote for Sally!” Alan exclaimed.

“Me too,” Mrs. Beck agreed. “I had a gerbil named Sally when I was a girl. She was my best friend when I was eight.”

Alana smiled as she watched her father squeeze her mother’s hand.

“Okay, that’s three votes for Sally,” Alana said.

“Make that four,” her father replied.

“I think we have a majority,” Alana declared. “Sally it is.”

Alicia made a face and slumped against the wall. “I still like Bella… Can we get a cat too?”

 

**Sunday, December 24, 2017 (Alana, age 17; Alicia, age 18; Alan, age 20; Alice, age 22)**

“You all do realize that you’re going to have to raise my kids if I die, don’t you?” Alice wheezed as she struggled to keep up with her siblings.

“How are you this out of shape?” Alana demanded. “You used to go jogging every day.”

“Used to being the keyword,” Alice snapped. “Are we almost to the top?”

“Just a little farther,” Alan assured her. 

“This better be worth it,” Alice grumbled.

“It will be,” Alan promised. He caught Alana’s eye when he looked over his shoulder. She looked down and shrugged. She knew her brother meant well, but she wasn’t sure his plan was enough to pull Alice out of her funk.

Alice had been in a bad mood for days. The twins’ father had taken them on a cruise with his family. Alice had never spent more than a day away from her children. Their absence, along with the knowledge of where they were and why, was driving her mad.

“Here,” Alicia said. She ran back down the slope to grab Alice’s arm. “Lean on me.”

“I’m not an invalid!” Alice retorted. “Sorry… I’m just…”

“It’s okay,” Alicia shrugged. “I know you’re having a bad day.”

Alana resisted the urge to amend Alicia’s statement and say ‘bad week.’ She picked up her speed so that she could catch up with Alan. “Did you remember the marshmallows?”

“Of course,” Alan rolled his eyes. “You brought the cookies, right?”

“They’re in here,” Alana said, swinging her bag. “This was a cute idea.”

Alan raised his eyebrows at her. “I know you think it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid…”

“I just thought it’d distract Alice. Candyland picnic under the stars.”

“The view’s good up here.”

“Good?” Alan laughed. “It’s spectacular. You can see everything.”

Alana smiled when she heard her sisters laughing together. It was the first time Alice had looked happy in days. 

“Yeah, okay. It is pretty spectacular.”


	3. Christmas with the Murphys

**Friday, December 24, 2004 (Zoe, age 4; Kelsey, age 2; Miles, age 9)**

“It’s right there in the song. _He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake._ Come on. Do I really need to explain it to you all?”

Zoe chewed on her hair while she watched Miles circle the group of children who were gathered in her father’s study. Kelsey whimpered and put her head on Zoe’s shoulder when he passed them. 

Zoe wrapped an arm around Kelsey and narrowed her eyes at Miles. “But-but my mommy says that Santa Claus is-”

“Who are you going to believe your mommy or me?” Miles sneered. “Do you really think your parents are telling you the truth? They want you to believe Santa’s a good guy. That’s how they trick you into behaving.”

Zoe frowned at Miles’s words. They made a lot of sense when she thought about it. Her parents were always telling her to pick up her toys and brush her teeth and be nice to Connor if she wanted to be on Santa’s nice list.

“But-” Zoe tried again. She stared at her shoes when Miles knelt down in front of her.

“Trust me, Zoe. I’ve been around a lot longer than you. I know how these things work. Santa’s a special operative for the government. It’s his job to track down troublemakers and make sure they get what they deserve.” Miles made a hissing sound as he pretended to slit his throat.

Zoe inhaled sharply and tightened her hold on Kelsey. “But-but, that’s not-”

“Oh, don’t worry, Zoe,” Miles cooed. “I’m sure you don’t have anything to worry about. You’re a very good little girl.” Zoe frowned as her cousin patted her on the head. “You can never be too careful though. Santa has eyes everywhere, especially this time of the year. He’s watching us right now. See!” 

The group of children gasped when they looked at the Santa figurine on the bookshelf behind them. Zoe’s heart began to pound when she thought about the number of Santa decorations in her house. 

“There’s no place to hide! He’ll find you wherever you go!” Miles yelped.

With that said, Miles ran from the room. Zoe could hear him shrieking all the way down the hall.

The room dissolved into chaos as soon as Miles was gone. Kelsey leapt away from Zoe and joined the pack of cousins who were screaming in the middle of the room. 

Zoe pushed her way through the group until she reached the bookshelf. She stared at it for a moment before closing her eyes and swinging her arms around blindly. She breathed a sigh that was half-relieved, half-nervous when she felt the Santa figurine slide off the shelf.

The sound of porcelain breaking made her cousins stop screaming. Zoe turned around to face them. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled to herself.

“Oops!”

 

**Saturday, December 24, 2005 (Connor, age 6)**

Jamie groaned and let her head fall into her hands. The deadline was in three hours. She had promised Professor Macintosh that she’d submit her paper by Christmas Eve and she knew her teacher was a stickler for punctuality. If Jamie emailed the paper even one minute past midnight, then all the begging and pleading she’d done to get an extension would be pointless.

Senior year was kicking her butt. Her classes were harder than ever. The grad school search was making her crazy. She hated her job at the campus bookstore. She hated her roommates and her apartment and—

Jamie glared as the door to the study creaked open. She thought she’d made it clear that no one should bother her until she’d finished her paper. That had been the deal. She’d agreed to come to Cynthia’s party as long as everyone left her alone while she worked.

Jamie let out the breath she’d been holding when she saw a small hand reach into the room. No matter how bad of a mood she was in, she knew it wasn’t right to take it out on a child.

The door slowly swung open to reveal her nephew standing in the doorway. Jamie forced a smile onto her face and waved him in.

“Hey, kiddo,” she said brightly. “You need something?”

Connor shook his head and blinked as he looked around the room.

“Okay, well, why don’t you go find your mom or… something? I, uh, I don’t have time to play right now.”

“I don’t want to play,” Connor snapped. 

Jamie looked at him in surprise. “Okay. So, what do you want to do?”

Connor shrugged and sat down across from her. He swung his legs around aimlessly while he stared at the ceiling. Jamie shook her head knowingly when she realized she recognized his expression.

“The party getting to you too?”

Connor looked down quickly and nodded.

“Okay,” Jamie sighed. “Fine. You can stay in here, but you have to be quiet, okay? I really need to finish this.”

“Okay,” Connor promised. He leaned forward to study the pile of picture books next to Jamie. 

“Here.” Jamie handed the stack to him. “Knock yourself out.”

Connor smiled to himself as he settled back in the chair to read. Jamie watched him for a moment before yawning and opening her laptop again.

Two hours, fifty-six minutes to go…

 

**Sunday, December 21, 2008 (Connor, age 9; Zoe, age 8)**

“I’m an angel! I’m an angel! I have wings! I can fly!”

“Zoe! Zoe, sweetie, please stop jumping on the furniture.”

“I’m an angel!”

“I know you are, honey, but you’re going to mess up your dress and break a bone if you keep that up.”

Zoe pouted and flopped onto the sofa. Cynthia smiled as she bent down to straighten her daughter’s halo.

“Are you excited for the pageant?”

Zoe nodded and wiggled eagerly. “I’ve been practicing in my room. I have to walk just right. Not too fast, not too slow. That’s what Ms. Myers says.”

“I’m sure you’ll be an absolutely brilliant angel.”

Zoe smiled beatifically. “Can I have a cookie before we go?”

“Okay, but just one. I don’t want you to ruin your appetite.”

Cynthia shook her head as her daughter took off again. She made her way into the hall and yelled up the stairs. “Larry! Connor! Wheels up in five minutes!”

Larry poked his head out of his study and held up a finger to tell her that he’d be off the phone in a minute.

“Connor? Do you need help getting dressed?”

Cynthia frowned and went up the stairs when there was no response. “Connor? Do you-”

She sighed when she opened the door to her son’s room and found him sitting on the floor in his pajamas. “Why aren’t you dressed?”

“I’m not going,” Connor mumbled. He folded his arms across his chest and glared up at her.

“What do you mean you’re not going? You can’t stay here alone. And you’re in the pageant! Where’s your shepherd costume?”

“I don’t want to be a stupid shepherd!”

“Connor, you know I don’t like that word. And the shepherds aren’t stupid! Now, what have you done with-”

Cynthia pressed her lips together firmly as she pulled the remnants of her son’s costume out of his toy chest. “You cut it up and poured… What is this? Glue? You poured glue all over it.”

“So?” Connor shrugged.

“Connor-”

“I told you I didn’t want to do this,” Connor whined. “I hate doing these stupid pageants!”

“Is everybody ready?”

Cynthia shut her eyes before turning to face her husband. “Deal with this, would you? He says he’s not going.” Cynthia took a deep breath when she heard a crash downstairs. “Zoe? Zoe, honey, how many cookies have you eaten today? Zoe?”

Larry waited until he knew his wife was on the stairs before heading over to sit by Connor. “So, you’re not going, huh?”

Connor blinked up at him suspiciously. “No…”

“You know, your face looks kind of red.”

“What?”

“Flushed, really,” Larry said thoughtfully. He leaned over to feel Connor’s forehead. “You feel clammy. I think we better skip the pageant so you can take it easy and rest up.”

“What?” Connor asked again.

“Did you know I’m friends with Craig Porter’s dad?”

Connor looked up in alarm and shook his head slowly.

“Well, I am. He told me his son said something to you during rehearsal last week and…” Larry shut his eyes and let out a breath. “He said Craig told him you didn’t get mad. That you just walked away and waited outside until Mom came to get you.”

Connor chewed his lip and nodded slowly.

“Craig’s dad can be annoying too sometimes,” Larry said wryly. 

Connor squinted at him curiously. “I don’t like Craig.”

“Okay,” Larry nodded. He stood up and clapped his son on the shoulder. “Get dressed.”

“I’m not-”

“We’re going to the movies.”

Connor looked so confused that Larry had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “But, the pageant-”

“You obviously can’t be in it now.” Larry gestured at the toy chest. “We could go watch Zoe, but I think I’ve spent more than enough time watching her prance around in her angel costume.”

Connor nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah…”

“I’ll go tell your mother,” Larry announced before leaving the room.

He knew Cynthia wouldn’t take the change of plans well, but he also knew that she would hold her tongue while Zoe was with her. She wouldn’t want their daughter to get upset before the show. 

Cynthia never missed anything the kids were in. She went to all the dance recitals and plays and concerts. She volunteered at their school and micromanaged every moment of their lives. Larry didn’t think it was necessary to do all that. They were children. He made sure to attend the major events, but that was it.

This pageant didn’t count as a major event. Zoe’s part was small. He knew she would have so much fun playing with her fellow angels that she wouldn’t notice that her father and brother weren’t there. Cynthia would, of course, but she would get over it quickly. She’d mainly signed the kids up for the pageant so that she’d have an excuse to get together with the other mothers.

Larry smiled to himself when he realized that Connor had actually done him a favor when he destroyed his costume. He’d saved his father the trouble of having to come up with an excuse to skip the show.

 

**Friday, December 17, 2010 (Connor, age 11; Zoe, age 10)**

The sound of her children fighting greeted Cynthia as soon as she stepped inside. She dropped her bags on the hall seat and hurried into the living room. She sighed when she saw a sight that was becoming familiar to her. Zoe had moved the furniture out of the way so that she could turn the living room into her own personal dance studio. 

Cynthia watched as Zoe lunged at Connor and tried to grab the CD player out of his hands. Connor jumped back before she reached him and leapt over the stool to get away. Cynthia winced as she watched Zoe tumble to the ground because Connor had kicked the stool and sent it sliding at her.

“Mom!” Zoe cried when she spotted Cynthia standing in the doorway. “Connor turned off my music!”

“Zoe won’t stop playing that stupid CD! I’m trying to read!”

“I need to practice! The show’s tomorrow!”

“If I hear that music one more time, I’m going to blow my brains out!”

Cynthia shut her eyes and took a breath. “Where’s your father?”

“He said we need to learn how to handle these things ourselves,” Zoe said quietly.

“Of course, he did,” Cynthia shook her head. “Okay. Okay. Connor, give the CD player back to your sister.”

“But-”

“And, Zoe, maybe you can turn the volume down a bit? I could hear it all the way up in the attic last night.”

“It has to be loud! The orchestra-”

“Compromise, Zoe. Keep it down or no music.”

“Fine,” Zoe pouted.

Cynthia frowned as her son’s words caught up with her. “And, Connor, I never want to hear you say something like that again. You’ll blow your brains out? We don’t say things like that in this house.”

“I do,” Connor mumbled. 

“What was that?” Cynthia asked sternly.

Connor made a face and turned to go. Zoe grabbed the CD player from him when he passed her and ran across the room to plug it back in.

Cynthia followed Connor into the hallway and gently grabbed his arm. “One more day, sweetie. One more day and then this house will be a Nutcracker-free zone, okay?”

Connor didn’t respond. Cynthia sighed as he shook her off and ran up the stairs. 

The music resumed just as Cynthia leaned over to pick up her bags.

 

**Wednesday, December 25, 2013 (Connor, age 14; Josh, age 14)**

Connor threw himself against the wall to avoid being run over by a herd of small children. His nose scrunched up when a nasty odor hit him. At least one child had a dirty diaper. He knew he should probably report that to an adult, but he didn’t really care enough to figure out who the kids belonged to.

His house was filled to the brim with guests. He longed to go upstairs and look at his gifts again, but he knew his parents would throw a fit if he left the party. 

Connor wandered into the dining room and helped himself to another sandwich. He just barely managed to duck out of the room before his great-aunt Olive reached him. He let out a sigh as he fled to the kitchen. He would’ve been trapped in there for an hour if Olive had been able to pin him down.

The kitchen was empty when Connor stepped inside. He climbed onto a stool and rested his head on the counter while he tried to calm himself down. He hated these things. He hated having his house invaded by relatives. He hated that his parents expected him to be polite and talk to everyone. 

He knew he wasn’t being very polite just then. He’d been darting around the party all afternoon, sticking to the outskirts and avoiding talking to anyone for more than a minute or two. 

Connor ducked down when he heard the kitchen door swing open. He knew it wasn’t a particularly mature thing to do, but that didn’t bother him at all. He’d happily spend the entire day hiding, if he thought he could get away with it.

“Hey.”

Connor sat up straight when he heard his cousin Josh’s voice. 

“Hey,” Connor echoed.

“Were you hiding down there?” Josh laughed. “Because you know you’re not actually invisible, right?”

“Shut up,” Connor scoffed.

“I’m bored,” Josh sighed. 

Connor looked at him quizzically. If Josh suggested that they go find their sisters and watch while they took turns braiding each other’s hair, he was going to scream. And question his cousin’s sanity.

Josh looked over his shoulder quickly before pulling a baggie out of his jacket. “Does your dad still have a lighter in the garage?”

 

**Sunday, December 25, 2016 (Connor, age 17; Zoe, age 16)**

Zoe clenched her teeth and held her breath as she stepped into her brother’s room. She didn’t bother knocking. She knew from experience that Connor wouldn’t hear her if she did. 

“Get up,” Zoe ordered once she’d come to a stop by Connor’s bed. He opened his eyes long enough to flip her off.

“Mom sent me to get you. We’re going to Grandma’s for dinner.”

Zoe spun around on her heel and headed over to his dresser. “Do you own any cologne?”

“Stop touching my stuff!” Connor snarled as he pulled himself up. 

“You stink,” Zoe informed him. “Why’d you have to get high today of all days?”

Connor shrugged and leaned back against the wall.

“Are you trying to start a fight with Mom and Dad? It’s Christmas. Can’t you be normal for once?”

“Tell them I’m sick,” Connor suggested lazily.

“You are sick,” Zoe snapped. “Sick in the head.”

She squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her forehead. “Why don’t you go take a shower? Maybe that’ll help.”

“It won’t,” Connor smirked.

“If you change your clothes, it will,” Zoe said uncertainly. 

She couldn’t deal with this. Their parents had been bickering all day. She’d been hiding in her room since lunch. The marijuana smell was giving her a headache. She didn’t feel like going to their grandparents’ house and pretending to be cheerful.

She was almost relieved when she heard their parents open Connor’s door. She knew what was coming, but at least their arrival meant that she didn’t have to worry about Connor anymore.

Zoe wove around their parents and ran down the stairs.

The shouting started before she’d even reached the landing.

 

**Sunday, December 24, 2017 (Connor, age 18; Zoe, age 17; Kelsey, age 15)**

“Who’s Evan?”

Zoe dropped her phone when she heard her cousin’s voice. She grabbed the pillow next to her and whacked Kelsey’s arm. “Jeez, Kels! When’d you become a ninja?”

Kelsey smirked as she sat down on the armrest. “New boyfriend?”

“New friend,” Zoe corrected. She glanced down the couch at Connor. “Connor and I are friends with him.”

Kelsey laughed and blinked dramatically. “Woah, hold up. You and Connor have a mutual friend? Connor actually has a friend? What is happening here?”

Zoe hit her cousin’s arm again. “Be nice. What’re you doing here anyway? The party isn’t until tomorrow.”

“I know,” Kelsey said. “Dad and I came by to drop off the pies.”

“Is Josh…” Connor started. He looked around anxiously.

“He’s not here,” Kelsey shook her head. “He said he’d catch up with you tomorrow. Whatever that means.”

Zoe looked at her brother quickly. “Josh is-”

“A pain in the butt,” Kelsey nodded. “I agree. One hundred percent.”

Connor put his book down and stared at Zoe. “Have you been texting Evan this whole time?”

“Pretty much,” Zoe nodded. “He, uh, he wanted to know about the dress code for tomorrow.”

“Why didn’t he ask me?”

“Because he knows you’d tell him anything’s fine,” Zoe laughed. “You know Evan. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself or stand out from the crowd. Problem is now he’s panicking that he’s going to be overdressed because his mom wants to go to church before they come here.”

“Oh.” Connor reached out to grab his phone off the table. “I should call him.”

“Don’t bother. He just left to go to the movies with Jared’s family.”

Connor frowned and slumped back into the cushions.

“So, I’m going to get meet this Evan guy tomorrow?” Kelsey chirped excitedly.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded cautiously. “Be cool. He’s very, uh… Don’t scare him, okay?”

“You’re no fun,” Kelsey sighed. “I mean, it’s just weird. I thought I’d seen everything after Josh did his about-face, but now you’re telling me there’s someone out there who…”

Kelsey’s eyes widened as she pointed to the figurines on the mantel. “Your mom really loves her Santas.”

“I know,” Zoe nodded. “They’re everywhere.”

Kelsey shuddered and stood up. “I think I’ll go see if Dad’s ready.”

“You know, I sometimes think Kelsey should see someone about her Santa-phobia,” Zoe said thoughtfully. She rolled her eyes when she saw Connor eyeing her phone. “You want to read my conversation with Evan, don’t you?”

Connor looked away quickly and didn’t respond.

“Here.” Zoe shoved her phone at him. “Knock yourself out.”

Zoe grabbed a magazine off the table and flipped through it while Connor looked at her phone. She didn’t know what he was expecting to find, but she had a feeling he’d be disappointed.

Or relieved.

Zoe smiled to herself when she saw his expression.

Definitely relieved.


	4. Holidays with the Hansens

**Saturday, December 24, 2005 (Evan, age 5; Connor, age 6; Zoe, age 5)**

The line was so long that it stretched past the food court and ended outside Macy’s. It took them over an hour just to get close enough that they could actually see Santa’s Village. Dan supposed this was what he got for waiting until the last possible minute to take Evan to the mall. 

“Look, Evan!” Dan exclaimed excitedly as they finally moved forward. “There’s Santa!”

Evan blinked up at his father and stuck his thumb back in his mouth. Dan knew he should tell his son to stop sucking his thumb. He knew Heidi was trying to break him of the habit. He also knew that they had at least another forty-five minutes to go and he really didn’t want to be _that dad._ The one who couldn’t get his kid to stop screaming hysterically.

“Do you know what you’re going to say when it’s your turn?”

Evan nodded and tilted his head to look at the village. His eyes widened as he watched a grown man dressed as an elf attempt to do a cartwheel. Dan bit his lip to keep from laughing at the elf’s antics. He couldn’t think of a more humiliating job.

The line continued to creep forward. Dan struggled not to yawn and look at his watch. The crowd was getting to him. The lights were getting to him. The music was getting to him. He saw an employee passing by and had to stop himself before he asked her if the person programming the music knew there were more than six Christmas songs.

He couldn’t help smirking as he watched a boy in front of them have a full-on meltdown. He squeezed Evan’s shoulder proudly and offered the screaming child’s mother a sympathetic smile. He wasn’t surprised when the smile wasn’t returned. The woman seemed on the verge of a meltdown herself as she tried to calm her son down. Dan’s amusement turned to genuine sympathy as he watched the boy kick his mother’s shin. He was amazed at how calm the woman remained, even though it was clear she was in pain. 

Just when the woman managed to get her son to stop screaming, the boy’s sister burst into tears and threw herself onto the ground. 

“Nooo! No Santa! No Santa!” The little girl wailed at the top of her lungs. 

The woman swooped down and scooped her daughter up so effortlessly that Dan had a feeling she had had a lot of practice dealing with situations like this. 

Dan watched as the woman craned her neck to look at Santa. She closed her eyes and sighed before leading her children out of the line. The boy seemed happy with this decision, but Dan could see that the girl was still sniffling as they headed for the exit.

“All right, bud,” Dan said softly as they moved up. “What do you say we stop for hot chocolate on our way home? I think you deserve a treat for being such a good boy today.”

Evan dropped his thumb long enough to grin up at his father. Dan laughed and patted his son’s head. He really did have the good kid.

 

**Friday, December 26, 2008 (Evan, age 8)**

The rain was the final straw. Heidi snapped the blinds shut and leaned against the wall while she tried to collect her thoughts. 

This had seemed like such a good idea when it first occurred to her. It was Evan’s first Christmas without his father. What better way to distract him than to take him to Florida to see her mother? Evan loved his grandmother and Heidi knew her mother would pick up the slack if she found it hard to stay cheerful during the holidays.

Heidi had mapped out the whole week. They’d spend Christmas in her mother’s condo, then they’d hit the parks. All of the parks. Disney, Universal, SeaWorld. Evan would have so much fun that he wouldn’t have time to think about his dad.

Heidi hadn’t planned on the rain. She hadn’t planned on the fact that Evan’s cheeks had been flushed with something other than excitement. Her mother had taken one look at Evan and announced that the boy was sick. Heidi supposed she’d been in denial. Evan had been sniffling for days. He’d told her that his throat was sore. He’d felt warm when he leaned against her on the plane. She’d never imagined that he might have strep throat though.

She knew her son was disappointed. That was an understatement. He’d teared up and pouted for over an hour when she told him he had to stay in bed. No amount of gifts or ice cream could make up for what he was missing.

Heidi hurried to the door when she heard something bang against it. She swung it open and saw her mother struggling with a large box. She automatically grabbed it and helped her mother in.

“What’s this?” Heidi asked curiously as they put it down.

“It’s a box of your old things. I keep it in my storage unit upstairs. I thought there might be something in here that we could use to cheer Evan up.”

Heidi tore it open and looked inside. There were several dolls with matted hair. A teddy bear with one eye. A broken yo-yo. A pile of old books. 

Heidi’s eyes lit up as she pulled the books out of the box. She quickly thanked her mother before she went to check on her son.

Evan was lying in bed and staring blankly at the tiny television they’d set up for him. Heidi knew the novelty of watching shows in black and white had already worn off. She knew she had to think of other ways to keep Evan entertained.

“Look what I found,” Heidi said gently as she sat on the edge of the bed.

Evan looked away from the screen long enough to crinkle his nose at the books. 

“These were my favorite books when I was growing up,” Heidi continued. “I thought you might like to read them.”

“They’re kid books,” Evan croaked. Heidi tried not to wince at how hoarse he sounded.

“I can go to the library and get you something else,” Heidi offered. She knew how proud Evan was of the fact that he could read chapter books now.

Evan shrugged and eyed the books again. He gingerly reached out to pick up the one on top. Heidi grinned when she saw the cover.

“That one was my absolute favorite,” Heidi beamed. “Do you want me to read it to you?”

Evan hesitated a moment before nodding and sinking into his pillows.

“ _The Giving Tree_ ,” Heidi began. “By Shel Silverstein.” 

 

**Thursday, December 2, 2010 (Evan, age 10; Jared, age 10)**

“We get to have donuts for dinner!” Jared whispered excitedly as he led Evan into the dining room.

“Oh,” Evan nodded. He glanced up and down the table quickly. The room was packed with guests loading their plates and talking merrily. Evan spotted his mother filling up two plates as she made her way around the table.

“You don’t get to eat donuts for dinner on Christmas, do you?” Jared smirked.

“Uh-uh,” Evan shook his head. “But, we get gingerbread and candy canes and-”

“You’ll get chocolate gelt too,” Jared cut in.

“I’ve had chocolate gelt before,” Evan told him. 

Evan looked up expectantly when he saw his mother approaching. She handed him his plate and smiled down at them. “Let’s go sit in the living room.”

Jared wandered off without saying a word while Evan struggled to keep up with his mother. She found a spot for them at the bottom of the stairs.

“Isn’t this nice? Aren’t you glad we came this year?” Heidi asked eagerly. “I’ve always wanted to teach you about Hanukkah. Your grandfather, my father, was Jewish, you know?”

Evan nodded and poked at his noodles with his fork. “We have a menorah.”

“We do,” Heidi nodded. “I’ve always thought we should do more than that though. And, besides, won’t this be fun? You’ll get nine nights of presents.”

Evan looked up in surprise. “Nine nights?”

“Of course,” Heidi beamed. “Eight for Hanukkah and then there’s Christmas, so that makes nine altogether.”

Heidi looked down as she rested a hand on his shoulder. “I know the last couple years haven’t been… They haven’t been great.”

Evan frowned as he continued to poke at his food. That was an understatement. First, there had been the strep throat disaster. Then, last year she’d been called into work at the last minute and he’d had to spend Christmas Day with their neighbors. The ones who had six kids, two dogs, three cats, and a snake.

It had been awful.

“But, this year,” Heidi smiled. “This year is going to be good. It’ll really feel like the holidays.”

Evan looked up at her quickly. “Can we have donuts for dinner every night?”

Heidi blinked at him and laughed. “Of course. That was always my favorite part of Hanukkah too.”

 

**Sunday, December 23, 2012 (Evan, age 12)**

“This is your brother, Liam. He just turned three. And here’s Ella. She’ll be one next month.”

Evan barely looked at the photos before handing them back to his father. “They’re cute.”

“They really are,” Dan grinned. “Liam looks like you at that age. And Ella… She has your curiosity. She’s always into everything.”

Dan put the pictures on the table and tilted his head at Evan. “You can keep those if you want. I have tons of them at home.”

Evan nodded and put them in his backpack. He didn’t know why he was being so polite. He didn’t have any intention of displaying his half-siblings’ pictures anywhere.

“I almost brought them with me this weekend,” Dan continued. “Sam was hoping they could be in the wedding. Liam could’ve handled it, but someone would’ve had to carry Ella down the aisle.” Dan shook his head as a thought occurred to him. “You could’ve carried her down the aisle! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that before.”

“Oh well,” Dan shrugged. “It was probably for the best. It would’ve been a lot for Lisa and the kids to travel all this way, especially this time of the year.”

“Yeah,” Evan said uncertainly.

“Are you almost done?” Dan asked. 

Evan looked down at his bowl and nodded. His sundae was almost gone. There were only a few bites of melted ice cream remaining. He pushed it away and eyed the door. 

Dan flagged down their waiter and asked for the bill. He told Evan all about what his half-siblings were getting for Christmas while they waited.

“Lisa’s getting anxious,” Dan said. “She’s afraid I won’t make it home in time to help her put Liam’s fort together.”

“You’re leaving tonight?” Evan wondered.

“My flight’s in a couple hours,” Dan confirmed. “Fingers crossed there aren’t any delays. I heard there’s a snowstorm brewing somewhere in the middle of the country.”

Evan lifted his hands up to show that he’d crossed two sets of fingers.

Dan grinned and reached for something under his chair. “Speaking of presents, I got you something.”

Evan cautiously accepted the bag and peeked inside. He tried to mask his disappointment as he pulled out a toy truck. “Oh, it’s a um…”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Dan assured him. “I know you’re too old for things like that now, but it’s a collector’s item. It was made by an artist in my town. He’s really talented. That thing’s going to be worth a fortune one day.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan beamed. He glanced at the bill quickly when the waiter returned and handed over his credit card. “So, what are you and your mom doing for Christmas this year?”

“We, um, we’ll probably go to her friend Maggie’s house tomorrow night,” Evan told him.

“Maggie? She’s the one who lives on Valley Road, isn’t she?”

Evan shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know. She usually invites us over for Christmas Eve dinner.”

“Okay,” Dan nodded eagerly. “What about Christmas Day? Does, uh, does Santa still come to your house?”

Evan narrowed his eyes and looked down. “I’ve known the truth about Santa for years.”

“Right, yeah, I figured,” Dan nodded. “So, Christmas-”

“Mom has to work Christmas Day,” Evan said softly. “I think she’s going to drop me off at Jared’s house.”

“You’re still friends with Jared?”

“Sort of.”

Evan leaned back in his chair as he watched the waiter approach. His father quickly signed the receipt and slipped his jacket back on. 

“You ready?”

Evan grabbed his bag off the floor and stood up. He hadn’t even bothered taking off his coat. 

“Yeah.”

 

**Thursday, December 24, 2015 (Evan, age 15)**

Evan stared blankly at the TV as he flipped from channel to channel. There was nothing good on. It seemed like all the networks were showing Christmas movies and specials.

Evan was not in the mood for anything festive.

He considered switching to Netflix, but he didn’t expect to fare any better with that. He couldn’t think of even one show or movie that he felt like watching. He was feeling too antsy and tired and pathetic to focus on anything. 

It was getting to the point where he was actually considering doing his homework. He was starting to think it would be a nice change of pace to stare blankly at his Spanish book for a while.

His phone buzzed, but he didn’t bother looking at it. He knew it was another text from his mother. She’d been texting him all night, every hour on the hour. Her texts had been relentlessly upbeat at first. That had changed when she found out that she would have to work the following afternoon too. She quickly went from listing the things they could do on Christmas Day to brainstorming about their plans for the weekend.

Evan didn’t expect any of her ideas to actually happen.

He had a feeling this was how he’d be spending his winter break. Home alone in a dark house, bored out of his mind.

Evan sighed and changed the channel.

 

**Monday, December 25, 2017 (Evan, age 17; Connor, age 18; Zoe, age 17; Jared, age 17; Josh, age 18; Kelsey, age 15)**

The house was packed when they got there. A woman dressed entirely in red and green ushered them in and ordered a pair of children to take their coats upstairs.

They had barely made it past the entryway when Evan saw Mrs. Murphy making a beeline for them.

“Merry Christmas!” Cynthia exclaimed when she reached them. She gave Evan a quick hug before turning to face his mother. “You must be Heidi. It’s so good to finally meet you.”

Evan watched as they shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. He didn’t think his mother was faking it when she complimented Cynthia’s décor. 

“Come, let me introduce you to everyone,” Cynthia said before leading Heidi into the living room.

Evan stared after them for a moment before looking around. It was strange to be at a party where he didn’t feel the need to be glued to his mother’s side all afternoon. He knew his friends were there somewhere. The question was where.

Evan decided the dining room was a good place to start. He was hungry and he had a feeling there was a good chance that Jared, at least, was camped out by the food. 

The dining room was even more crowded than the hall. Evan kept an eye out while he filled his plate, but he didn’t see any familiar faces. 

He was debating whether he should go sit with his mother when he spotted Zoe come in. She waved and beckoned for him to follow her.

“Hey,” she greeted breathlessly. “I just came up to get a drink. Everyone’s in the basement.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded as they wove through the crowd. 

“Are you having a good Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded again. It was taking all his energy to try to keep up with her while juggling his food.

“Ugh, shoot,” Zoe muttered. Evan nearly crashed into her when she came to a sudden stop.

“What’s-”

“Zoe!”

Evan turned to watch a boy their age come barreling towards them. 

“Have you seen Connor?”

Zoe’s eyes widened as she shook her head. “Not recently. Did you look upstairs?”

“I’ve been up there twice and…” The boy frowned as he looked Evan up and down.

“Josh, this is our friend Evan. Evan, this is our cousin Josh.”

Evan opened his mouth to say hi, but Josh carried on as though Zoe hadn’t spoken.

“Tell him I need to speak to him, okay?”

“I will if I see him,” Zoe promised.

Josh shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked off in the direction of the living room.

“So, Connor-”

“Is downstairs,” Zoe filled in. She grinned and reached for the door to the basement. “He doesn’t want to see Josh.”

“Okay,” Evan said slowly.

“Josh is kind of a jerk,” Zoe told him as they climbed down the stairs. 

“Wasn’t he, uh, close to Connor when they were younger?” Evan’s forehead furrowed as he tried to recall exactly what Connor had written about his cousin. The situation started to make a lot more sense as the details came back to him. 

“Sort of,” Zoe shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

“Oh.”

“It’s just…” Zoe stopped speaking when they reached the bottom of the stairs. Evan followed her over to the table where Connor and Jared were sitting with a girl Evan suspected was another Murphy cousin.

“Shoot, Kels,” Zoe sighed as she plopped down next to the girl. “I forgot to get you a cookie.”

“It’s okay,” the girl said quickly. Her eyes lit up as she looked at Evan. “Is this-”

Zoe cleared her throat loudly. “Evan, this is Josh’s sister, Kelsey.”

Kelsey smirked at him in a way that was reminiscent of her brother. “Are you going to eat all those cookies?”

“Um, no,” Evan said shakily. He held the plate out to her. “Help yourself.”

Kelsey grinned as she snatched one from the top. “I have to give it to Aunt Cynthia. She really can bake.”

“I made those,” Zoe laughed. “Do you really think my mom would use that much sugar?”

Kelsey chuckled and gestured at the pool table. “Come on. You owe me a rematch.”

Zoe sighed and followed her across the room.

Evan picked up his sandwich as a silence hung over the table. He turned to watch the girls as they set up their game. He looked down at his plate when they started whispering to each other. 

“So,” Connor finally said. He reached under the table and pulled out two presents. “I, uh, got you guys something.”

Evan blinked as a wave of panic hit him. They’d already exchanged presents when they all went to Jared’s house for Hanukkah. It hadn’t occurred to Evan that he should’ve gotten Christmas presents for his friends too. He’d barely been able to afford the Hanukkah gifts and that was after they decided to set a $15.00 price limit. He looked at Jared quickly and was relieved to see that Jared looked just as confused as he was.

“Were we doing Christmas gifts too?” Jared asked abruptly. “Because I didn’t get anything for you all and I’m guessing Evan didn’t either, seeing as how he’s frozen with fear.”

“I’m-I’m not frozen,” Evan stammered.

“Sure, you’re not,” Jared clapped his shoulder.

“It’s fine,” Connor said quickly. “I just wanted to… you know.”

Jared grinned as he grabbed the box in front of him. “Okay, well if that’s the case, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?”

Evan tentatively peeked into his gift bag while Jared tore the box open.

Jared chuckled as he held up a Star Wars t-shirt. “Thanks, man. This is pretty cool.”

Connor’s smile wavered as he watched Evan study the contents of the bag. Jared’s eyes widened when he leaned over to see what Evan was staring at. 

“Wow,” Jared breathed as he sat back up. “That’s-”

“Too much,” Evan cut in. “This is… It’s too much.”

Jared anxiously looked between the two of them before stumbling to his feet. “I’m going to go watch the girls.”

“I-I can’t accept this,” Evan continued. He put the bag back on the table and pushed it towards Connor. He hadn’t looked at everything in it, but he’d seen enough to know that it was too much. The bag contained several books, a t-shirt, and some kind of gadget that Evan didn’t recognize. 

And that was just the top layer.

“What am I supposed to do with that crap?”

“What?”

“I got it for you.”

“I know, but-”

“They’re presents. They’re-”

“You don’t have to bribe me to keep being your friend.” Evan cringed when he heard the words out loud. “I mean-”

“That’s not what I was doing,” Connor snapped.

“Okay, but-”

“I just… I just want things to be okay again.”

“I know,” Evan said quietly. He puffed out his cheeks and took a breath. The whole L thing still felt raw and weird and confusing to him. He was trying to get past it, but he knew that it was going to take more than a few weeks for him to feel fully comfortable with the situation.

“They will be,” Evan promised. 

“Okay,” Connor nodded. His gaze drifted to the pool table. Evan poked at the bag for a moment before turning to watch the girls’ game.

“Hey,” Evan whispered conspiratorially. “Jared sucks at pool. You should, uh, challenge him to a game if you want to get back some of the money he won from you last week.” 

Connor caught his eye and grinned. “Good to know.”


	5. New Year's Eve

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 6:55 PM**

Zoe wasn’t surprised when she found Jared on the other side of her door. Connor never bothered knocking more than twice and she couldn’t imagine Evan knocking that loudly.

“Oh,” Jared said as he peered past her and looked at her desk. “You really are studying.”

“I told you I was,” Zoe frowned.

“But, it’s New Year’s.”

“Yeah, which means my paper’s due in less than 48 hours. I haven’t even finished the research yet.”

“I never took you to be such a procrastinator,” Jared teased.

Zoe made a face and leaned against the doorframe. “Do you need something or….”

“A-Day alert.”

Zoe shook her head irritably. “What? No. Not tonight.”

Jared nodded solemnly. “It’s bad.”

“But, they were doing so well when I was in there earlier.”

“Yeah, funny how quickly that can change. Connor said something and you know...”

Zoe shut her eyes as she let out a breath. She did know. A-Days (aka Awkward Days) were becoming the norm for them. Every time she thought things were getting better, Connor said something or Evan remembered something and then it was all over. 

As annoying as it was for her, she knew it was far worse for Connor. It was easy to see that her brother was simultaneously exasperated by and terrified of the A-Days. She could tell it was taking all of Connor’s self-restraint to keep himself from getting too annoyed with Evan. She also knew he was worried that Evan would eventually give up trying to make peace with the situation and walk away from it completely. 

“What’re they doing now?”

“Walking on eggshells. Stammering. You know, the works.”

“I have to finish this,” Zoe said apologetically.

“You want me to help? With the research, I mean. I’m great at research.”

Zoe bit her lip as she considered his offer. She didn’t actually feel like spending the whole night working on her social studies paper and she did feel bad for Jared. She’d been stuck in his position when she’d gone to Evan’s house with Connor the night before. 

“Fine,” Zoe relented. “Just with the research. I’m writing this thing myself.”

“You can do that tomorrow,” Jared decided. Zoe opened her mouth to protest, but Jared continued on before she had a chance. “We can’t leave them alone all night.” 

Zoe sighed and handed him a paper from her binder. “That’s the assignment. I decided to go with Option #4.”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 7:00 PM**

“They ditched us again, didn’t they?”

Evan stopped picking at his nails long enough to glance up at Connor. “Um, I don’t know. Maybe?”

“They ditched us,” Connor nodded.

Evan shrugged and looked out the window. It felt like it was later than it actually was. It felt like he’d been sitting there for hours. 

“You want to watch a movie?” Connor wondered.

“Sure.”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 7:30 PM**

“They’re watching a movie.”

“What?” Zoe blinked as she looked up from her notebook. 

“Evan and Connor are watching a movie. I heard it when I walked by Connor’s room.”

“Okay,” Zoe said slowly. “So?”

“So, that means they’re still not talking about this.”

“They have talked about it.”

“And yet they’re still so-”

“I know,” Zoe nodded.

“I told Evan to get it together.”

“How’d he take that?”

“He asked me if I knew that the oldest tree in the world lives in California and is over 5000 years old.”

“Did you?” Zoe laughed.

“No, strangely enough, I did not.” Jared sighed and looked at the door. “You know, they could try playing a video game. At least, that would make them interact with each other.”

“We don’t have any video games here.”

“You don’t?” Jared gasped.

Zoe shook her head. “My parents got rid of them when Connor was in eighth grade. My mom read an article about how they promote violence in teenagers, so my parents donated them to Goodwill.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“It didn’t work.”

“Hey…” Zoe shoved his arm. “Be nice.”

“I’m just saying your parents should tell someone it didn’t work. It might inspire people to do more research.”

“Speaking of research,” Zoe tapped her notebook. “I need one more source. Do you want to get something to eat after that?”

“Do we have to take the mopey twins with us?”

“Yeah,” Zoe decided. “We probably should…”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 7:50 PM**

Connor snapped his laptop shut when he heard voices in the hall. The movie wasn’t over yet, but he knew they’d never hear the end of it if Jared saw what they’d been watching.

He didn’t know what the movie was called. It was a cartoon. A relatively new one, he thought. He’d clicked on the first option that looked safe. Evan had said he didn’t care what they watched, but Connor knew they had to pick something that wasn’t scary or violent or crude or anything that would in any way make the night more awkward.

He didn’t think either of them had been paying attention to the plot. He wasn’t even sure the movie had a plot. It had just been something for them to stare at blankly.

Connor frowned when he realized Zoe and Jared were going down the stairs. He looked at Evan quickly and nodded at the door. “They’re leaving us.”

“Maybe they’re, uh, just going to the kitchen,” Evan suggested.

Connor shook his head. “They’re going somewhere. Zoe knows everything’s off-limits downstairs.”

“Oh, right,” Evan nodded.

The Murphys were hosting a neighborhood brunch the next day. Before she left for the night, Cynthia had made it absolutely clear that her children and their friends were not to set foot in any of the rooms downstairs or eat anything in the refrigerator. 

Connor grabbed his phone when he heard a text alert. He looked up quickly when he heard Evan’s phone go off too.

_Group Conversation  
Evan (Mobile) Jared (Mobile) Me (Mobile) _

___Sunday 12/31_  
_Jared 7:52 PM  
_ _Be outside in 30 seconds or we’re leaving without you._

__

__

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 7:55 PM**

“That was more than 30 seconds,” Jared said as they climbed into the backseat of his car. 

“We had to lock up and set the alarm,” Connor snapped.

“Where are we going?” Evan wondered.

“We haven’t decided yet,” Zoe told them. “You guys have any ideas?”

Evan shrugged and shook his head.

“What do you usually do on New Year’s?” Jared asked Zoe.

Zoe bit her lip and looked down uncomfortably. “Nicole always has people over, so, um-”

“Right,” Jared nodded stiffly. “So, that’s out.”

“Yeah,” Zoe huffed. “I mean, Jenny keeps telling me I should stop by, but-”

“You’re talking to Jenny again?” Connor cut in. 

“Sort of,” Zoe admitted. “She’s been texting me a lot lately. I don’t know. It doesn’t mean anything. She always was the nicest one in our group.”

Connor studied her expression thoughtfully. “You should go.”

“What? No,” Zoe shook her head adamantly. “Nicole will have a fit if I show up. We haven’t really talked since the whole… you know. Jenny’s just being nice. She hates feeling like people are mad at her.”

Zoe pushed a stand of hair behind her ear and turned to face Jared. “What about you? What do you usually do for New Year’s?”

Jared’s mouth twisted to the side as he looked out the window. “I, uh… Last year, I babysat for my cousin Elena.”

“You babysit?” Zoe laughed.

“Not normally,” Jared said shrilly. “Their babysitter backed out and…” Jared cut himself off as he caught Connor’s eye in the mirror. “What did you do for New Year’s last year? Do you even remember?”

Zoe scowled and smacked Jared’s arm. Connor could tell she was still curious what his answer would be though.

“I don’t know… I just wandered around,” Connor muttered. It was the truth. Wandering around aimlessly, smoking and loitering in random places, had been a big part of his previous life. 

“And Evan stayed home,” Jared finished.

“Okay, this is getting ridiculous,” Zoe said. “There has to be something we can do.”

“We could go to the movies,” Jared suggested.

“We are not watching Star Wars again,” Zoe hissed.

“You liked it!” Jared exclaimed defensively. “You said you liked it.”

“Not enough to watch it twice in one week,” Zoe argued.

“We could go to Louie’s,” Evan spoke up.

Jared made a face as he shifted the car into drive. “Come on. We can come up with something better than that.”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 8:15 PM**

The diner was packed when they got there. Jared was quick to point out exactly how unoriginal Evan’s idea had been while they waited for a booth. Zoe shushed him and Connor dared him to come up with something else. 

Jared was glad they didn’t have to wait long because he was drawing a blank. He almost brought up the fact that his synagogue was hosting a teen party, but he thought better of it at the last second.

Their waitress appeared at the table before they’d even finished settling in. She absentmindedly pulled a pen out of her hair and opened her notepad. “Welcome to Louie’s. I’ll be your server tonight. My name is-”

“Hi, Tracy,” Zoe cut in brightly.

Tracy blinked and shook her head as she looked up. “Oh, hi. Sorry. It’s a little crazy here tonight.”

“I can see that,” Zoe nodded. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

“I don’t usually,” Tracy told them. “Alana’s uncle recruited us to help out tonight.” She nodded at the kitchen. They all leaned forward to watch as Alana emerged carrying a tray. “So, what can I get you to drink?”

Tracy grinned when they finished placing their order. “Four waters. I think I can manage that.”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 8:55 PM**

“I can’t believe she said that!”

“I know, right? They were together for two years and then, just like that, it was over.”

“It’s crazy!”

“What’s really crazy is that-”

Zoe could feel her cheeks heating up when Tracy noticed her. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop.”

“It’s fine,” Tracy assured her. She looked at Alana quickly and shrugged. “Do you need something?”

“Ketchup,” Zoe nodded. “We’re out.”

“I’ll go grab you a bottle,” Tracy said.

Zoe leaned against the counter while she waited. Her eyes narrowed as she watched the boys talk. Even from across the diner, she could tell that they were still discussing the latest Star Wars.

Zoe bit her lip as she turned to face Alana. “Hey, not to be nosy or anything, but who were you guys talking about?”

Alana laughed and shook her head. “It wasn’t obvious?”

“Not really,” Zoe said slowly.

“You didn’t hear about Lilly Cook and Milo Burke?”

“They broke up?” Zoe gasped.

Alana was still laughing when Tracy returned. “Zoe hasn’t heard about Lilly and Milo.”

Zoe couldn’t help feeling irritated as she watched Tracy laugh too. “When did this happen?”

“Right before winter break,” Alana told her. “They got into a screaming match in the middle of the cafeteria.”

“It’s all anyone’s been talking about,” Tracy nodded.

Zoe looked at the boys again and shook her head. She supposed this was what happened when she only hung out with them. 

Zoe glanced around the diner before sliding onto a stool. “So, what else has happened recently?”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 9:30 PM**

“Where to now?” Jared asked as they got back in the car.

“Back to our house?” Zoe suggested. She glanced around at the others and shrugged.

“We could go to my house,” Jared replied. “Except, my brother’s having a party. He won’t care if we crash it, but he’ll expect me to help clean up if we stay.”

“I think I’m all partied out for the year,” Zoe decided.

“My mom’s home tonight,” Evan told them. “She has to be at work by four, so she’s probably trying to sleep now.”

“There’s a 10:00 showing at the-”

“No!” Zoe rolled her eyes at Jared. “No more Star Wars!”

“They have a thing downtown,” Connor spoke up. “You know, music and fireworks. That kind of thing.”

“Our parents used to take us to that,” Zoe nodded. “I didn’t know they still did it.”

“I went last year,” Connor said quietly.

Zoe turned around to stare at him, but didn’t say anything. She smiled slightly and reached for her seatbelt. 

“Okay, so downtown?” Jared asked.

“Downtown,” Zoe confirmed.

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 10:15 PM**

“Is this really worth it?” Jared grumbled as they waited for the shuttle to pick them up.

It was so mobbed downtown that they’d had to park on a side street and walk two blocks to the bus stop.

“It’s freezing,” Jared complained. He exhaled deeply to prove his point.

“It’ll be warmer when we get there,” Zoe said. She shivered and hugged herself a bit tighter. “Body heat and all that.”

Evan shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He really didn’t feel like going downtown, but he didn’t want to tell the others that. He knew they’d refuse to go if they realized how much the idea of being trapped in a crowd was stressing him out.

Evan started when he glanced up and saw that Connor was watching him. He quickly looked away and nodded at the street. “I-I think that’s the shuttle.”

“We can see the fireworks from our house,” Connor reminded his sister.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. Her teeth chattered as she shivered again. “Let’s do that.”

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 11:00 PM**

They ended up in Zoe’s room because it had the best view. She ordered the boys not to make a mess as they sprawled out on her floor with their popcorn and hot chocolate.

“Where are we going to sleep tonight?” Jared asked suddenly. He frowned as he glanced around the room.

“What?” Evan sat up in alarm.

“Only one air mattress can fit in Connor’s room,” Jared explained. “So, where-”

“The guestroom?” Evan cut in anxiously.

“Is full of boxes,” Zoe informed them. “Our mother’s organizing a rummage sale for her book club.”

“I can sleep on the couch,” Evan offered.

“We can’t mess anything up downstairs,” Zoe reminded him. “I can check Dad’s study. If it’s clean, someone can sleep there.”

“He’s working on a case,” Connor told her.

“Oh,” Zoe sighed. “That’s out then.”

“Maybe we should…” Evan bit his lip and nodded at the door.

Jared shook his head. “I’m not going home. Henry will put me right to work if I show up now.”

“None of us should be on the roads tonight,” Zoe said gravely. “That was scary.”

Evan nodded and stared at his shoes. He knew she had a point there. He’d been considering seeing if his mom was awake enough to come get him, but he didn’t want to risk something happening to her. 

“Connor has a queen bed,” Zoe pointed out. “One of you can share with him.” She laughed when she saw the expressions on the boys’ faces. “I’m just saying…”

“You have a trundle bed,” Connor retorted. “Someone can sleep in here.”

Zoe shook her head in amazement. “Do you want to be the one to explain that to our parents?”

“Not it!” Jared cried, tapping his nose.

Evan’s face scrunched up in confusion when he realized Jared was talking to him. “What?”

“Not it,” Jared repeated. “So, so not it.”

“You’re not-”

“Sleeping in Connor’s bed,” Jared smirked. “I claim the air mattress.”

“Um-” Evan started. He took a breath and stared up at the ceiling.

“The air mattress and I have bonded,” Jared continued firmly. “We understand each other. We are at peace with each other.”

“You’ve definitely drooled on it enough,” Connor remarked.

“Exactly,” Jared nodded. He grinned as he glanced at Evan. “I’m doing you a favor, really…”

Evan leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. He wondered, on a scale from one to ten, exactly how weird his friends would think he was if he suggested that he could always sleep on the bathroom floor.

 

**Sunday, December 31, 2017 11:40 PM**

“Fireworks are starting,” Evan said. He lowered his legs so that Connor could join him on the window seat. “Should we tell the others?”

“I think they can hear them downstairs,” Connor said lightly.

“Oh,” Evan nodded. “Right.”

“Hey,” Connor said as he sat down. “Are you okay?”

“O-okay?” Evan stammered. “Yeah… Why?”

“You don’t seem it.”

“I’m…” Evan squeezed his shirt and looked down. He didn’t know what he was, but he knew Connor was right. He wasn’t okay just then.

“I can sleep on Zoe’s trundle bed,” Connor offered. 

Evan looked at him quickly. “You, uh, you sure?”

Connor smiled wryly and stood up. “Yeah. I don’t think my parents will kill me if I sleep in here.”

Evan watched as Connor pulled the bed out and examined it. They both frowned when he touched a spring that was sticking up.

“I can, uh…” Connor’s frown deepened as he tried to push the spring down.

“It’s fine,” Evan said softly. “We can share.”

 

**Monday, January 1, 2018 12:00 AM**

The fireworks lit up the entire sky when the clock struck midnight. Evan was only able to watch them for a moment before his attention was pulled away. 

He clinked glasses with everyone so many times that he lost count. Connor finally rolled his eyes and pulled his glass out of the mix. The rest of them quickly followed suit and they all took a sip of their apple cider.

Evan’s heart sped up when he noticed that Jared was staring at Zoe. For a second, he feared that Jared was going to say something about it being traditional to kiss people on New Year’s.

Jared quickly dropped his gaze and squinted at the others. “Now what?”

 

**Monday, January 1, 2018 12:30 AM**

Zoe locked her door as soon as the boys were gone. She didn’t think they’d be back. She’d made it clear that she was done for the night. She wasn’t taking any chances though. 

She heard her phone buzz as she climbed in bed. She picked it up and unlocked the screen. There were over a dozen texts from Jenny and three from Maya. That was a surprise. Maya hadn’t tried reaching out to Zoe at all since the night of her birthday party.

Zoe’s fingers hovered above her phone as she debated whether to answer her friends. (Former friends? She wasn’t sure anymore.)

Another message popped up before she could make up her mind. Zoe’s mouth dropped open when she saw it was from Nicole.

She couldn’t help smirking as she read it. Nicole was drunk. Zoe knew that right away. She knew Nicole only bothered with proper spelling and grammar when she was drunk. 

_Conversations Nicole (Mobile)_

_Monday 1/1_  
_12:37 AM  
Happy New Year, Zoe!_

__

__

Zoe shut her eyes and took a breath before writing back.

_12:38 AM  
Happy New Year!_

 

**Monday, January 1, 2018 1:30 AM**

“My parents are home,” Connor whispered.

Evan nodded and rolled onto his back. He wasn’t surprised that Connor wasn’t asleep yet either. They’d been in bed for a half hour. Jared had been asleep for almost that long. Evan had known the second Jared dozed off because his breathing grew louder and he started snoring.

Evan had forgotten how loudly Jared snored.

Connor sat up and shook his head as Jared let out a particularly loud wheeze. “Huh. So, he doesn’t just do that when he’s drunk?”

“No,” Evan murmured. “He, uh-”

“Shh,” Connor interrupted. He nodded at his door and flopped back down.

Evan had just enough time to close his eyes before the door crept open. He carefully squinted at the doorway long enough to confirm that Connor’s parents were watching them.

“Oh, look,” Cynthia breathed.

“Come on,” Larry said gently. “Don’t wake them.”

“It’s just so… He has friends!”

Evan’s eyes flew open as soon as the door clicked shut. He sat up and fluffed his pillow. He didn’t think that would actually help anything, but it was worth a try.

He could feel Connor watching him as he went to lie down again. “What?”

“Do you, uh-” Connor puffed out his cheeks and stared at his desk. “Do you want to finish the movie?”

Evan let out a startled chuckle. “You want to finish the movie?”

“I’m dying to know if they save the theater,” Connor deadpanned.

“It might wake Jared up,” Evan pointed out.

“Oh… Yeah. Then, let’s not.”

Evan nodded and gazed at the ceiling. “What’s that?”

“What?”

“That,” Evan pointed to a mark on the ceiling above Jared. “It looks like the ceiling’s caving in.”

Connor didn’t say anything for a moment. Evan glanced at him and saw that he’d shut his eyes.

“There used to be a hook there. For plants. Zoe still has one in her room. My mom always liked to put baskets of flowers in our rooms when we were little. That’s where I, um… That’s where I first tried to rig a, uh, you know… It didn’t work. The thing came down and almost took out my eye. I ended up using one of the rafters in the living room instead.”

“Oh,” Evan inhaled sharply. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Connor shrugged. “The painters tried to cover it, but you can still see where it was.”

Evan clenched his teeth and breathed in through his nose. “Does it-does it bother you?”

“Not as much as it should.”

“I’m-I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…”

Connor turned so he was facing the wall. “We should go to sleep. My parents’ guests will be here at noon.”

“Oh. Right.”

It was quiet for a minute. Evan closed his eyes and tried to will himself to fall asleep. He was tired, but not to the point where sleep would be coming easily. He felt like his insides were twisting around as he thought about what Connor had said. He’d spent so much time wrapped up in his own thoughts about the L-situation that he hadn’t really stopped to consider how it was affecting Connor.

He knew he had to let it go. To, as Jared said, get it together. It wasn’t fair to either of them that he still freaked out and froze whenever something made him think about YANA.

“You don’t have to come down.”

“What?” Evan rolled over to look at him.

Connor sighed and turned over again. “For the party. You guys don’t have to go downstairs. Zoe and I will have to make an appearance, but you can stay up here.”

“Jared won’t like that. He’ll want to be where the food is.”

“We can bring you food.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. 

Silence fell over them again. Evan struggled to quiet his brain and keep his eyes shut. He tried and failed to hold in his laughter as Jared let out another loud snort. Connor was staring at him and smirking when he opened his eyes.

“Okay, seriously,” Connor yawned. “Good night.”

“Night,” Evan mumbled.

He was still smiling when he threw an arm over his eyes.

 

**Monday, January 1, 2018 10:00 AM**

Jared burst out laughing as soon as he sat up. He frantically kicked his blankets off as he dove for his phone. This was too good. He’d never forgive himself if they woke up before he snapped their picture.

Jared chewed on his lip as he flipped through the photos. Somehow, they weren’t as funny as he’d hoped. 

That didn’t stop him from sending them to Zoe though.

 

**Monday, January 1, 2018 10:30 AM**

“Don’t panic.”

Evan’s eyes flew open at the sound of Connor’s voice. He wanted to say that telling someone like him not to panic was just about the worst possible thing Connor could say, but he was too busy panicking to express his thoughts out loud.

“I said don’t panic,” Connor groaned as Evan elbowed him in the stomach.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled. He tried to sit up, but it was hard to do that while they were tangled together. His brow furrowed as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact that they had somehow ended up snuggled together in the middle of the bed.

“You’re on my arm,” Connor told him.

“Sorry,” Evan said again. He squinted as he looked down and attempted to figure out how to free himself. 

“It’s okay,” Connor said. He pulled his arm out from under Evan’s head. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded automatically. He was surprised when he realized that he’d actually slept through the night. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d managed to do that. 

“Me too.”

Evan’s eyes widened as he looked to the side. “Where’s Jared?”

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged. “He was gone when I woke up.”

“That’s not good,” Evan said shakily. “You don’t think he saw-”

“Oh, he definitely saw us. For sure.”

Evan took a breath and held it. His shoulders shook when he let it go. “He’s going to-”

“Try to make our lives a living hell,” Connor nodded. “I’ll kick his ass if he says anything.”

Evan laughed nervously. “You’re not actually going to hurt him, right?”

“Not if he cooperates.” Connor rolled his eyes when he saw Evan’s expression. “That was a joke.”

“I know,” Evan whispered. He gestured at the clock on Connor’s bureau. “We should get up.”

Connor nodded and rolled onto his back. Evan instinctively wrapped his arms around himself. He felt strangely cold now that Connor had pulled away.

“Hey,” Connor said suddenly. He bumped their shoulders together and gazed at Evan sideways. “Happy New Year.”

Evan looked down and smiled to himself. “Happy New Year.”


	6. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always planned to end the original story where I did, but I also came up with a list of things that happened during the six months leading up to graduation. I'm still having fun writing the _Sincerely, E_ versions of these characters, so the next few chapters will be taking place between the end of chapter 45 and the epilogue.

_Tuesday, January 2, 2018 2:43 AM_  
_To: Evan Hansen_  
_From: Connor Murphy_  
_Re: (No Subject)_  


______ _ _

_Is it weird that I have no idea how to begin this? I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen and thinking about how the people at YANA had the right idea when they decided to autoformat our messages._

__

_Never thought I’d miss the words ‘Dear Friend’ so much…_

_I can’t sleep. I’m writing this because I can’t sleep and I was talking to Zoe before she went to bed and she keeps telling me I should write to you._

_Huh. I just realized I can type Zoe’s name and it won’t change to Z**._

_That’s going to take some getting used to._

_If you’re wondering, this is why Zoe asked you for your email the other day. I asked her to ask you because I thought it would weird you out if I did. This is all her idea, by the way, so feel free to blame her if you think it’s a bad one._

_I know things are still weird between us. Zoe thinks I need to “level the playing field.” She thinks it’ll help us get past this if I write to you as myself. Not as L. Not to E. As Connor, writing to Evan with full knowledge of the fact that you know who the message is from._

_She suggested that I tell you three personal things. Why three? I don’t know. She said that was a good number._

_So, here goes…_

_1\. I joined a soccer team when I was nine. For one whole month, I was actually an athlete. I joined because I liked playing soccer in gym. And because my father was always talking about the friends he made when he played baseball in high school. I thought my teammates would have to like me. I was wrong. Of course, I was wrong. They were polite when the coach around, but they kept their distance. I went to school with a couple of them, so I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised when my reputation preceded me. I quit after one game because no one would pass to me. My parents wanted to talk to the coach about it, but I threw a tantrum that was so bad that they never brought it up again._  


_2\. I used to carry a notebook with me everywhere I went. I would write down random observations and poems. Yes, poems. Stop laughing. I was thirteen. It was my way of shielding myself from others before I decided not to care if people were staring at me. I haven’t written in it in years. I stopped carrying it around when I started high school, but it’s still in my closet somewhere.  
_

__

_3\. I’m terrified of clowns. I have been for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why. I just am._

__

_I could go on, but that was three things and it’s late and I should try to get some sleep._

_I’d say you can see my notebook if you think that will help, but no one should ever expect promises made at 3 AM to be kept._

 

**Tuesday, January 2, 2018 7:17 AM**

Evan was already sitting at his desk, flipping through his notes, when Connor arrived. That wasn’t a surprise. Evan almost always made it to homeroom before Connor did.

The pounding in Connor’s chest was cause for alarm though. So was the dizziness and the…

He couldn’t think about this. He was too tired to think about this. His hands clenched at his sides as he crossed the room. This was new, but not totally unexpected. He’d had a feeling it was coming. He’d sensed it and suppressed it. Tried to suppress it. He didn’t know how much longer he could deny it.

“What?” 

Connor narrowed his eyes as he sat down. “What do you mean what?”

“Do I, uh, do I have something on my face?” Evan frantically felt around his mouth. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“My face. You were staring at me like… Is my shirt inside out again?” Evan looked down quickly and let out a sigh of relief. “I-I did that one time last year. My shirt was inside out the whole day. No one told me. The tag was sticking up and everything. I didn’t notice until I got home. My mom-” 

“I wasn’t staring at you,” Connor interrupted. “I was just staring. I’m fucking exhausted today.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “You look it.”

“Thanks,” Connor scoffed.

“I didn’t mean-” Evan shook his head. “Rough night?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither. I only got a couple hours. I… I have my, um, my presentation today. You know, for English.”

Connor’s head snapped up at that. “We’re giving presentations in English?”

“I am,” Evan clarified. “It’s the-the one she assigned after Thanksgiving, when I was still in Florida. You already gave yours.”

“Oh, yeah,” Connor nodded. “You ready?”

“No,” Evan laughed breathlessly. “I’m never ready to make a fool of myself in front of the class.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“No, I really, really won’t.”

Connor watched as Evan’s hands twitched on top of his desk. “Okay, so… So, let’s come up with a signal then.”

“What?” Evan’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“A signal. If you need a second, look at me and I don’t know… Pull your ear.”

“Pull my ear?”

“Yeah. Pull your ear. I’ll push my textbook off my desk. That’ll give you a moment to catch your breath.”

“That… That might help,” Evan said hesitantly.

Connor nodded and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Hey, did you, uh, did you check your email this morning?”

“My email?”

“Yeah.”

Evan shook his head and bent over to get his phone. 

“Don’t,” Connor said quickly.

“Don’t check it?” Evan asked. His hand hovered above his bag while he stared up at Connor.

“Not now. Tonight. When you get home. I, um, I sent you something.”

Evan blinked at him before sitting up again. “You sent me something?”

“Yeah. Last night, when I couldn’t sleep.”

Evan frowned as he studied Connor’s face. “Should I be worried about you right now?”

“About my sanity, probably. Not about my life.”

“You sure?”

“It’s nothing. It’s just…” Connor shut his eyes and slumped down a bit. Part of him wanted to tell Evan to delete the email without opening it. He knew Evan would if he asked. He didn’t think it was that bad of an email though. He couldn’t remember exactly what he’d written. He was kind of scared to look.

“I’ll read it tonight,” Evan promised.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. 

He watched as Evan bent over his notes again. He could feel a lump forming in his stomach when he saw Evan squeeze his eyes shut.

“Hey,” Connor sighed. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Stop saying that!” Evan hissed. He shook his head and massaged his temples. “Sorry. I didn’t mean… I know you’re-you’re trying to help.”

“What’s your first class today?”

“What?”

“We don’t have English until second period. What do you have first?”

Evan’s shoulders shuddered as he tried to take a breath. “Gym.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Great. That’s perfect, actually. You want to blow it off?”

“What?” 

“Skip it. Go somewhere so you can chill the fuck out before class.” Connor laughed when he saw the look on Evan’s face. “I’m not asking if you want to commit treason. I’m talking about blowing off gym class.”

“I don’t-I don’t skip class!”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m here. I’m an expert at skipping class.”

“I-I can’t just-”

“Do you really want to go play basketball right now?”

Evan’s eyes widened as he shook his head. “Not particularly.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded as the bell rang. “Then it’s settled.”

“Where are we going?” Evan whispered.

Connor smirked and gestured at the front of the room. He could practically hear Evan’s heart begin to pound as Mrs. Jensen stood up to address the class.

He didn’t know where he was going to take Evan, but he didn’t think it really mattered. Evan just needed to go somewhere quiet so he could calm down. That part was easy for Connor. He could think of several spots on campus that met that requirement. Keeping himself calm was another story though. He didn’t expect that to be easy at all.

 

**Wednesday, January 3, 2018 7:20 AM**

“Poetry?”

“Shut up.”

“That’s-”

“What part of shut up do you not understand?”

Evan bit his lip to keep from laughing. “Clowns are pretty scary.”

Connor stared at his hands and grinned. “They really are.”

 

_Friday, January 5, 2018 1:31 AM_  
_To: Connor Murphy_  
_From: Evan Hansen_  
_Re: (No Subject)_  


_So, I guess this is becoming a thing we do now when we can’t sleep._

_I met with Dr. Sherman today. Yesterday. Technically, yesterday._

_I met with him and he suggested that I write back to you. I didn’t mean to tell him that you emailed me, but he kept staring and he does this thing when he stares where it makes me say things I don’t mean to say._

_I think he really found his calling in life._

_We’ve been talking about the whole YANA situation and how it made me feel and how I’m going to move on from it. He thinks it’ll be good for me to write about why it affected me the way it did._

_I think I kind of talked about this that night on the roof. It just freaked me out. It was embarrassing and awkward and kind of terrifying. The more I thought about it, the more I panicked. I kept thinking about everything that I had told you. I kept thinking about how I’d put myself out there. I’d told you things about myself, my family, my anxieties. I’d let you see things that I don’t even like to let myself see._

_That was the thing about YANA. It made me feel better when I wrote things out. It helped me process them and forced me to try to figure out what I was feeling. It was anonymous though. That’s why I could do it. I didn’t have to worry about being judged or mocked or anything like that because it didn’t feel real. Not completely at any rate._

_I know you all think I’m being ridiculous. I know I’m driving Jared crazy and Zoe thinks I’m pathetic and you…_

_I’m not exactly sure how this is affecting you, but I know it hasn’t been a positive thing._

_I am trying. I know I keep saying that, but I am. It’s hard though. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you all to realize who I really am and run away as fast as you can. I honestly won’t blame you if you do._

 

**Friday, January 5, 2018 7:18 AM**

Evan froze in his tracks with his hand on his mouth when he spotted Connor. He had been in the process of stifling a yawn, but the look on Connor’s face made him forget what he was doing. The resulting sound that came out of him was more of a croak than a yawn. 

“Hey,” Evan mumbled as he collapsed on his chair. His face scrunched up when he saw the notebook on his desk. “What’s this?” 

Connor didn’t say anything. His eyes narrowed as he studied Evan’s face. Evan inhaled sharply. He carefully opened the notebook and looked inside. 

“I was, uh, I was wondering what kind of poetry you wrote,” Evan whispered hurriedly. “I meant to ask, but… It looks like free verse? And here I was thinking there’d be dirty limericks.” 

Evan attempted a smile, but he didn’t think he was successful. Connor’s silence was unnerving, to say the least. 

“I, uh-” Evan closed his eyes and scratched his neck. “You-you checked your, um, your email this morning?” He nervously tapped his fingers on the desk. “You did, didn’t you?” 

Connor finally broke his stare when the bell rang. It was such a relief that Evan released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. 

“I’m not running away.” 

Evan looked at him quickly and swallowed. “You’re-” 

Connor turned to catch his eye. “I’m not running away, so you can stop worrying, okay?” 

“Okay,” Evan nodded shakily. 

“We’re talking about this at lunch,” Connor decided. “Where’ve you been eating this week?” 

Evan didn’t respond right away. He’d been keeping that information to himself all week. It had been too cold to eat outside. He knew Jared and Zoe had been going to the cafeteria. Jared had told him that they’d been eating with his old lunch group. According to Jared, the group had been shocked when a girl started joining them. 

Evan wasn’t sure where Connor had been spending his lunch period. He suspected that Connor was still going outside. That would explain why he’d heard Zoe sing _Let It Go_ at him the day before. 

“Library,” Evan finally said. “Jared said I could sit with them, but…” 

Evan shrugged and looked down as the final bell rang. He didn’t think it was necessary to explain why he wasn’t about to set foot in the cafeteria. 

“I’ll meet you there then,” Connor said firmly. “And don’t even think about going somewhere else.” 

Evan nodded numbly. “I won’t.” 

****Friday, January 5, 2018 11:45 AM** **

Connor eyed the granola bar in front of Evan and shook his head. “Where’s your lunch?” 

“I-I don’t have one today,” Evan told him. “My mom hasn’t been to the store and-” 

“Don’t you usually get something from the faculty lounge when that happens?” 

“Yeah, but you, uh, you said not to go anywhere and I-I know you didn’t mean that literally, but I ran into Ms. Thomas at the vending machine yesterday and she kept me there for, like, ten minutes because she wanted to talk about the paper I wrote last month.” 

“What about it? You aced that thing. She read it to the class.” 

“Yeah, she, uh, she wants to submit it for some contest, I guess. I don’t know. She said she’d give me the details today. There’s a reward of some kind.” 

“That’s cool,” Connor nodded. 

“It’s not a big deal or anything,” Evan shrugged. “It’s just… I don’t know. It’s just-” 

“Okay, back to the subject at hand,” Connor interrupted. 

Evan looked around nervously. He considered telling Connor that they really shouldn’t be talking in the library. He knew that argument didn’t hold any water though. There were so many students eating lunch in there that day that the librarian had roped off a section by her desk for those who needed quiet. 

“Are you okay?” 

Evan’s head shot up in surprise. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but that wasn’t it. He took a breath and nodded. “Y-yeah.” 

“Okay… Did it help?” 

“What?” 

“Writing to me. Did it help?” 

“I think so,” Evan said uncertainly. His hands twitched as he struggled to open his bar. He was glad they’d found a table in the back of the library. There was only one other guy nearby and the music from his headphones was so loud that they could hear it from two tables away. 

“Okay… Okay…” Connor nodded to himself. “You really think we’re going to run away from you?” 

“I-” 

“You’ve known Jared forever. He knows you better than you think he does. Don’t you think he would’ve split by now if he was going to?” 

“His parents-” 

“Have nothing to do with the fact that he hangs out with you now.” 

“I guess…” 

“And Zoe is one of the… I’ll kill you if you repeat this, but Zoe has to be one of the nicest, most… most understanding people you’ll meet. She forgave me. Do you have any idea how much crap I’ve put her through? And she actually forgave me.” 

“You’re her-her brother. That-” 

“Makes it ten times worse. I can’t think of anything you could do that would make her drop you as a friend.” 

“Okay, but-” 

“I’m not running away.” 

“I know. You-you already said that.” 

“And I’m going to keep saying it until it sticks. Do you really think I would’ve gone out of my way to start talking to you if your letters freaked me out? Do you think any of this would’ve happened if they’d bothered me? Do you think I’d be sitting here giving you a pep talk while you look at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind if-” 

“Your voice just got really loud.” 

“I know.” Connor shut his eyes and took a breath. “But, if that’s what it takes to make you listen…” 

Evan didn’t know what to say. He stared at his granola bar, but didn’t pick it up. What little appetite he’d had was gone. 

“Are we okay?” Connor finally asked. 

“Yeah.” 

“You sure? Because you’ve said that before and-” 

“Don’t you think I would’ve bolted by now if-” 

Evan didn’t get to finish his sentence because Connor’s laughter drowned him out. He smiled and looked down at his bar again. He tentatively picked it up to take a bite. 

Connor pulled a sandwich out of his bag. “You want half?” 

“No,” Evan shook his head firmly. “I’m good.” 

“It’s hummus and sprouts.” Connor wrinkled his nose. “My mom wouldn’t let me out of the house until I took it.” 

“That doesn’t sound that bad,” Evan said lightly. 

Connor split it in half. He rolled his eyes and dropped it in front of Evan when he wouldn’t accept it. 

“Zoe got goat cheese and avocado.” 

“Your mom’s on a new diet?” 

“I don’t know if it’s new, but…” Connor made a face. “Are you and Jared having pizza tonight?” 

“Jared hasn’t been coming by much lately. He’s, uh…” Evan bit his lip anxiously. He knew Jared had been hanging out with Zoe a lot. He didn’t know if Connor knew that though. He also didn’t know if they knew he knew. The whole thing was starting to make him feel slightly nauseous. 

“I could go for pizza though, if you want to come over,” Evan continued. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay,” Evan nodded. 

****Sunday, January 7, 2018 2:34 PM** **

“When did we all elect Evan president?” 

“What?” Zoe stepped away from the plaque to squint at Jared. 

“When did we decide that Evan gets to choose what we do? Because I’m going to have to demand a recount.” 

“What are you-” 

“I somehow managed to go seventeen years without ever setting foot in an arboretum. This is now the second time in two months that I’ve come here.” 

“You should’ve said something before we left.” 

“I didn’t know where we were going! Remind me never to get in a car with you people again unless I know the destination.” 

“We had a whole conversation about it before we left the house. Weren’t you listening?” 

“Apparently not…” Jared shook his head as he tried to remember. They’d been hanging out at the Murphys’ house all morning. He’d zoned out at one point when Evan started going on about a special tree that was blooming or something along those lines. He wasn’t entirely sure. He’d spaced out and gotten distracted when Zoe started brushing her hair. 

Jared could feel his cheeks reddening at the thought. “It’s hot standing under that heater. You want to keep moving?” 

Zoe nodded and they moved on to the next exhibit. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t that excited about the idea either, but Evan suggested it and Connor said yes right away and I don’t know. It was just good to see that they were on the same page.” 

“Where’d they go anyway?” 

Zoe stared at him and laughed. “You really aren’t paying attention to anything today, are you?” 

“I-” 

“There’s a lecture up in the main house.” 

“Connor’s willingly sitting through a tree lecture?” 

“Yup,” Zoe smirked. 

“Wow. He’s really trying to back on Evan’s good side, isn’t he?” 

“Apparently,” Zoe laughed. “Come on. There’s a refreshment stand up ahead. You want to get something?” 

“Yeah. Then, we can see if there’s a gift shop somewhere.” 

“Why? You want a hat shaped like a tree?” 

“My brother’s birthday is coming up. I bet they sell some kind of fancy foot cream made from the sap of a tree.” 

“I don’t know about that, but I bet you can find him a pair of socks with trees on them.” 

“That’ll do,” Jared beamed. 

 

****Wednesday, January 10, 2018 5:12 PM** **

Evan jumped when his bedroom door flew open. He blinked and looked around in alarm as Jared came barreling in. 

“Hey,” Jared said quickly. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a breath. 

“Hi…” Evan said hesitantly. “How’d you get in? I didn’t hear the doorbell ring.” 

“Your mom let me in as she was leaving.” 

“Oh,” Evan nodded. “She, uh, she has class tonight.” 

“I figured.” 

Evan shut his laptop and spun around to face Jared. “So… Did you ask her?” 

“Did I-” 

“Zoe. Did you ask her?” 

Jared stared at him for a moment before sliding down against the wall. “Is it weird for us to talk about this?” 

“We already talked about it.” 

“Yeah, but… If it’s weird, then maybe-” 

“Who else are you going to talk to? Connor? I don’t think that conversation would go-” 

“Oh my God,” Jared cut in. 

“What?” 

“Oh my God.” Jared let out a moan as his head fell into his hands. “I just asked Connor Murphy’s little sister out on a date.” 

“Okay, never let Zoe hear you refer to her as Connor Murphy’s little sister.” 

“He’s going to kill me! He’s actually going to kill me this time, isn’t he?” 

Evan bit his lip to keep from laughing out loud. “Well, that depends. Did she say yes?” 

Jared’s eyes widened as he looked up again. “I’m not sure.” 

“You’re not sure?” 

“No.” 

“Shouldn’t you be sure?” 

“It’s complicated,” Jared scoffed. “She said yes, but I’m not sure she’s seeing it as a-as a date. She might just think she said yes to hanging out.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. It’s a real problem.” 

“How are you going to-” 

“No idea.” 

“Maybe you could ask Henry for advice? He knows about these things, doesn’t he?” 

“Yeah, no. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I go to my brother for dating advice.” 

“He has a girlfriend,” Evan pointed out. “So, he clearly knows something.” 

Jared rolled his eyes and stretched his arms out in front of him. “Do you really think Connor will kill me if I start dating his sister?” 

Evan nodded solemnly and clapped Jared on the shoulder. “It’s been nice knowing you.” 

 

**  
****Friday, January 12, 2018 11:50 AM**  


The cold spell was finally over. For the first time since school had resumed, it was warm enough to eat outside. Evan didn’t know when or how it had happened, but it was clear to him that Jared and Zoe had reached some kind of agreement. That was the only way to explain the fact that they were both in a good mood. 

No one else was in a good mood that day. There was one week left in the semester. Everywhere he went, Evan saw students stressing out about exams and papers and projects. Alana Beck had been running around the school for days, twitching in a way that made Evan think she must have more coffee than water in her system. 

Evan was feeling strangely calm about what was coming. He was almost done with all of his papers except one, but he didn’t think that would take him long to write. He only had four tests the next week and he’d been going over the material for them since before Christmas. He didn’t have to give any presentations. That was the best part and probably explained why he was feeling so serene. 

Connor, on the other hand, seemed on edge. Evan looked at him quizzically as he glowered at the others. He was suddenly struck with the thought that there might be some truth to the idea that Connor really would kill Jared if he started dating Zoe. 

“What’s this?” Connor suddenly snapped. His eyes grew even narrower as he gestured at the two of them. 

“What do you mean?” Zoe asked. 

“Is there something going on between you two?” 

Zoe bristled at her brother’s tone. She gave Jared a quick look before responding. “What if there is? What’s it to you?” 

Connor shook his head and laughed harshly. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

“You-” 

“This is a fucking joke, right? I mean, you’re not seriously going out with Jared Kleinman, are you?” 

Evan bit his lip and tried to catch Jared’s eye to show his support. Jared was too busy staring at his hands to notice though. 

“I’m sorry, but have we slipped into an alternate universe of some kind? Because that’s the only way you would get a say in who I go out with.” 

“Come on, seriously, he’s-” 

“Hey!” Zoe threw a hand up to stop her brother. “Think long and hard before you finish that thought.” 

Connor’s hands clenched in his lap as he glared at Zoe. “You can do better. You know you can do better than him, don’t you?” 

Zoe shut her eyes tightly and sighed. “Connor…” 

He was gone before she could finish her sentence. Evan looked from Jared to Zoe and back again. The expressions on their faces were almost identical. 

“Are you okay?” Evan finally asked Jared. 

“Yeah,” Jared nodded stiffly. “That actually went better than I was expecting it to…” 

“I should go talk to him,” Zoe decided. Her cheeks puffed out and she shook her head sadly. 

“I’ll go,” Evan offered. 

“You sure?” Zoe’s shoulders shuddered as she let out a breath. 

“Yeah. I’ll go.” 

**  
****Saturday, January 13, 2018 6:40 PM**  


“What did you put for number ten?” 

Evan blinked as he lifted his head up. “What?” 

“Number ten. What’d you put?” Connor reached over to grab Evan’s laptop. 

Evan closed his laptop and hugged it to his chest. “You’re not copying my answers!” 

“I wasn’t going to copy,” Connor snapped defensively. “I just wanted to make sure I got it right.” 

“I’ll look at yours when you’re done,” Evan told him. “How about that?” 

Connor made a face and shrugged. “Ms. Thomas must really like grading papers, huh? She’s making us do this and take an exam next week.” 

“This is supposed to help us prepare for the exam,” Evan reminded him. 

Connor absentmindedly tapped his fingers on his textbook while he stared out the window. “What do you think they’re doing?” 

“Who?” 

“Zoe and Jared,” Connor said, rolling his eyes. 

“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. “I think Jared said something about going to the movies.” 

“He better not take her to see Star Wars again. She told me they’ve seen it three times.” 

“Give him some credit. Even Jared knows better than that.” 

 

**Saturday, January 13, 2018 10:10 PM**

Evan squeezed his eyes shut when he saw the look on Connor’s face when he emerged from the bathroom and saw Jared. 

“What’s he doing here?” Connor demanded. 

Jared’s eyes widened as he gripped his bag a bit tighter. “I’m spending the night. Wasn’t that the plan?” 

“We decided to study at your house this weekend,” Evan reminded Connor. 

“I know,” Connor said slowly. “I remember what we decided. I just thought that changed when he decided to go out with my sister.” 

“I’ve been banished from my house,” Jared said tensely. “Henry won’t let me stay if I go home and my parents won’t be back until Monday. I have nowhere else to go.” 

Evan looked between the two of them and sighed. “We can go to my place if it’s going to be a problem.” 

“You’re leaving?” Connor asked. 

“If you’re kicking Jared out, then yeah…” Evan shrugged. 

“Fine,” Connor relented. “He can stay. But, we’re not talking about Zoe.” 

“Fair enough,” Jared grinned. He eyed the textbook next to Evan. “Did you guys do the science worksheet yet? What did you get for number ten?” 

 

**  
****Sunday, January 14, 2018 9:30 AM**  


Zoe raised an eyebrow and shook her head when she saw Jared standing in the doorway to the kitchen. “Don’t make this weird.” 

“It’s already weird.” 

“Yeah, exactly. So, you don’t have to go and add to the weirdness.” Zoe opened the fridge as he went to sit at the counter. “Juice?” 

“Please,” Jared nodded. 

“Are the guys still asleep?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Are they…” Zoe looked down as she tried to hold in her laughter. 

“Oh, yeah.” Jared wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

“That’s so…” Zoe caught his eye as the laughter finally escaped from her. “You didn’t take their picture again, did you?” 

“Nah,” Jared laughed. “Novelty’s worn off. And I promised Connor I wouldn’t. That was the deal. I got to stay if I promised not to take their picture.” 

Zoe studied his expression skeptically. “You recorded them, didn’t you?” 

“Of course,” Jared grinned. 

 

****Tuesday, January 16, 2018 2:30 AM** **

His pillow smelled like Evan. He couldn’t sleep because his pillow smelled like Evan. 

He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. Evan had spent two nights at his house, in his bed. It was only natural that his scent would linger. 

Connor wasn’t sure which part of this situation was weirder. The part where his pillow smelled like Evan or the part where he knew what Evan smelled like. 

The whole thing was weird. Connor knew that. They all knew that. Their entire situation was weird. How he’d met Evan. Really met. How they’d become friends. How the four of them had formed a group. 

Connor was still getting used to the idea of having friends. It still felt strange when he stopped to think about it. He was still learning how to be a friend. It was somehow easier and more difficult than he would have thought, if he’d ever bothered to think about it. 

And now there was the whole… 

He couldn’t think about this. He still couldn’t think about it. He felt sick when he thought about it because no good could come from acknowledging it. 

Things were finally getting better. Giving a name to the feeling in his gut could only make them awkward and uncomfortable and miserable again. 

He rolled over and shoved the pillow off his bed. He made a mental note to change his sheets in the morning. 

 

****Friday, January 19, 2018 1:25 PM** **

Zoe took her time washing her hands. She scrubbed them so vigorously that it actually hurt. She caught her reflection in the mirror and clenched her teeth. 

This should have been a good day. They’d had an early dismissal because it was the last day of the quarter. Zoe had only had one exam that morning, then she’d gone to an especially fun band practice. Everyone had been in good spirits as they prepared for their January showcase. 

It was funny how it only took one small thing to ruin an otherwise acceptable day. 

“Nicole?” Zoe called softly. She gripped the edge of the sink as the sniffling came to a sudden stop. “I know you’re in there.” 

Nothing happened for a minute. Zoe leaned against the wall and examined her nails. 

“I recognized your shoes,” Zoe continued. “You got them when we all went to Maya’s grandparents’ house last fall. I can’t believe you’re still wearing them. Did you get the heel fixed?” 

Zoe looked up as the stall door finally swung open. She forced her face to stay blank as Nicole dabbed at her eyes. 

“Hey,” Nicole muttered. She made a beeline for the sink and leaned over to splash water on her face. 

“Hi,” Zoe whispered. She didn’t know what else to say. She hadn’t gotten that far in her thinking. She just knew she couldn’t walk out of the bathroom while her former best friend was crying in a stall. Her conscience (and her curiosity) would have bugged her about it for the rest of the weekend. 

“So,” Zoe said when Nicole straightened herself up again. “You want to talk about it?” 

Nicole folded her arms across her chest and glared at Zoe. “Why do you care?” 

“Because…” Zoe sighed and shook her head. “Because we used to be friends. Because you used to be my best friend and you were just sitting in a bathroom stall crying your eyes out.” 

“I wasn’t crying my eyes out. I was barely even crying.” 

“Okay, but still…” 

“Is Jenny still texting you?”

Zoe stared at her for a beat. “Yeah. Maya does too, every once in a while.” 

“They chose me.” 

“It wasn’t a contest,” Zoe said, wrinkling her nose. 

“I know, but I would’ve won if it was.” 

Zoe shut her eyes and decided not to take the bait. “So, what happened? Did you break up with Ryan or something?” 

“Ryan and I are still together,” Nicole snapped. “I just… I think I just bombed my English exam. I had to take a make-up test since I was sick on Tuesday and… I’m already flunking that class. My presentation last week was a mess.” 

“It wasn’t that bad,” Zoe said consolingly. Her tone sounded so fake that she didn’t even believe herself. 

“Yeah, it was,” Nicole scoffed. “I got stuck working with Adrian because Maya and Jenny paired up and you… Not that we could’ve worked together, but still… Why were you working with that guy?” 

“His name’s Peter,” Zoe said stiffly. “He sits at my lunch table.” 

“Your lunch table?” Nicole laughed. “Wow. You’re really friends with those guys now, aren’t you?” 

“You know what?” Zoe shook her head angrily. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t care why you were crying, so you can go ahead and lock yourself back in that stall.” 

Zoe turned to go, but Nicole grabbed her arm before she reached the door. 

“What?” Zoe snapped. She pulled her arm free and narrowed her eyes at Nicole. 

“For what it’s worth, I really am sorry about… You know.” 

“You’re sorry? For which part? The part where you tried to turn our friends against me? The part where you hounded me until my brother stepped in and shared something he didn’t want to share? The part where you spread rumors about me because you’re a conniving bitch?” 

Nicole cringed and looked at her hands. “For all of the above? I didn’t mean for everything to get so…” 

“But, it did.” 

“The rumor thing… I didn’t mean for that to happen. I was ranting about you to Maya and Sophie Ventura heard and… I don’t know how it got so twisted around. I did not, I repeat did not, say you have a drinking problem.” 

“You didn’t deny it though. I heard you when people were asking you about it before English that one day.” 

“I was mad, okay? I just… I was mad.” 

“That doesn’t make it okay.” 

“No,” Nicole sighed. “Nothing’s ever going to make it okay, is it?” 

“I don’t know,” Zoe admitted. “I miss you guys, but-” 

“We miss you!” Nicole interrupted. “Even when I was, like, seriously crazy pissed off at you, I still-” 

Zoe grabbed her phone from her bag when it buzzed. She looked down to see a text from Connor asking where she was. 

“I have to go get my brother,” Zoe said. “He’s waiting for me in the library." 

“Oh.” 

Zoe took a breath as she opened the door. “Hey, Nicole?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you passed your test.” 

Nicole looked down and smiled. “Thanks.” 

****Wednesday, January 24, 2018 1:30 PM** **

“So, what’d you get?” Jared asked as they walked out of Ms. Thomas’s classroom. His mouth formed a thin line as he looked at his friends. “Come on. It can’t be that bad. Even I managed to get a B.” 

Evan tried to shove his test in his bag, but Jared grabbed it before it was all the way in. 

“105%?” Jared laughed. “You just had to go and answer the extra credit questions, didn’t you?” 

Evan shrugged and snatched the paper back from Jared. He tried not to look too curious as he turned to look at Connor. “How’d you do?” 

Connor handed his test over without saying a word. 

Evan couldn’t help grinning when he saw it. “You got an A?” 

“Let me see that.” Jared grabbed the paper and stared at it in disbelief. “Did you copy Evan’s answers?” 

“No,” Connor shook his head. He looked even more surprised than Jared. “I just knew them.” 

“Okay,” Jared sighed. “Okay, next time there’s a test, I’m coming over earlier and Evan’s leading the study session.” 

 

****Saturday, January 27, 2018 12:45 AM** **

Connor paused the movie when he saw Evan yawn again. “You want to go to sleep?” 

“What?” Evan blinked at him and rubbed his eyes. “Um, yeah, maybe. I, uh-” 

“You didn’t get enough sleep last night, did you?” 

“I never get enough sleep,” Evan admitted. 

“Okay, so let’s…” Connor nodded in the direction of the stairs. 

Evan came to a stop when they reached his room. He frowned as he looked around. 

“Something wrong?” Connor wondered. 

“Um, no, well, kind of,” Evan said uncertainly. “My mom was supposed to put the cot in here before she left.” 

“Oh. Do you know where it is?” 

Evan shook his head. “That’s the problem. She was going to look for it. She thought it was in the basement somewhere. She probably forgot to check.” 

Connor took a breath and stared at his hands before looking up again. “We can always share.” 

“We can-” 

“It’s not like we haven’t shared before,” Connor cut in quickly. “Or I can sleep on the couch.” 

“Uh, I, uh,” Evan stammered. He didn’t know what to say. This was different from the times he’d slept over at Connor’s house. His bed was smaller than Connor’s, for one. Jared wasn’t there, for another. And the couch wasn’t a bad option. It was the normal option. The obvious solution to their problem. 

“I sleep better when we share.” 

Evan’s head shot up at Connor’s words. It wasn’t hard for him to see that Connor hadn’t meant to say them out loud. 

“Shit. I just mean-” 

“No, it’s-it’s fine,” Evan muttered. “I, uh, I noticed that too. I mean, I noticed it’s that way for me, not you. Obviously.” 

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “So?” 

“So, um…” 

“It’s a good thing Jared’s visiting his grandparents.” 

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. 

****Wednesday, January 31, 2018 9:30 PM** **

Zoe let herself into Connor’s room when she didn’t get a response. She could hear his music blaring inside and assumed that he hadn’t heard her knock. 

It still felt kind of strange that she could just walk in without expecting to get her head bitten off. 

Connor lowered the volume when he saw her standing in the doorway. “What’s up?” 

“Can I borrow your calculator? I think I left mine at school.” 

Connor nodded and pulled it out of his bag. “Your concert was good tonight, by the way.” 

“Thanks,” Zoe grinned. “It didn’t put you to sleep?” 

“It was too loud to put people to sleep,” Connor shrugged. 

“Ha ha,” Zoe rolled her eyes. 

“So, I noticed Jared wasn’t there.” 

“His brother had a thing tonight. I don’t know. I knew he wasn’t going to make it.” 

“And that didn’t bother you?” 

“Sort of, but it’s okay. He said he’d make it up to me.” 

“You really like him, don’t you?” 

Zoe laughed when she saw the look of amazement on her brother’s face. “Yeah, I actually do.” 

“Why?” Connor demanded. 

“Do you really want to talk about this? Aren’t you always getting annoyed with me for acting like you’re one of my girlfriends?” 

“I’m just curious,” Connor muttered. “It doesn’t make sense.” 

“The last few months haven’t been easy,” Zoe explained softly. “Ever since you… Jared knows what happened. Sort of. I mean, he knows most of it. He doesn’t know all the details, but… He gets the gist of it. And he gets me. I can be myself around him. If I’m mad or annoyed or whatever, I don’t have to hold it in. I kind of need that right now.” 

“Oh,” Connor nodded. 

“Yeah, so, question.” Zoe looked at him curiously. “You don’t have to answer me, but I’ve been wondering and… You like Evan, don’t you?” 

She had to swallow her laughter when she saw the panic on his face. “It’s fine. I’m not-” 

“Is it that obvious?” 

Zoe couldn’t keep her surprise from showing. She hadn’t expected him to own up to it that quickly. “To me, maybe. And I think Jared suspects you do. We don’t talk about it or anything, but…” 

“And Evan?” 

“Doesn’t have a clue. Or, if he does, he’s a really good actor. I mean, he should pursue acting as a career or take up poker or something that utilizes his skills.” 

Connor shut his eyes and took a breath. Zoe gently put a hand on his shoulder. She braced herself as she waited for him to shrug it off and was caught off-guard when he didn’t. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Connor’s eyes flew open as he stepped away from her. “No. I really, really don’t.” 

“Okay,” Zoe said. “Well, if you do-” 

“I know where to find you.” 

Zoe smiled weakly and waved the calculator at him. “I’ll go then. Thanks for the-” 

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled. He sat down at his desk again and opened his laptop. 

Zoe nodded as she let herself back out. 

Message received. 


	7. February

**Friday, February 2, 2018 4:30 PM**

Evan frantically scrambled to keep the books he’d been shelving from falling to the ground when he felt someone grab his arm. 

“Sorry!” Connor quickly apologized. He reached out to catch one of the books and dropped it on the shelf. “Come on. Put those down and follow me.” Connor rocked back and forth on his heels while he waited for Evan to finish shelving the books. “Hurry up!”

Evan opened his mouth to ask where they were going, but he stopped himself when he saw Connor’s face. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Connor look this amused.

“What’s so funny?” Evan demanded as they hurried across the library.

“You know how I always tell you to say no if my aunt asks you to help her when she’s working in the children’s section?”

“Yeah…”

“Jared didn’t listen.”

Evan chuckled as he imagined what Jared had gotten himself into, but his laughter faltered when a thought popped into his head. “You didn’t warn him.”

“What?”

“You didn’t say anything about it during the drive here.” 

“It must’ve slipped my mind,” Connor grinned.

Whatever sympathy Evan may have felt for Jared disappeared as soon as they reached the children’s section. “Oh my God,” Evan laughed.

“I told you!”

Evan grimaced when he reached into his pocket and came up empty. “My phone’s in my bag. I can’t believe I left my phone in my backpack!”

“I’ve got it covered,” Connor assured him. “I already took at least ten pictures of him.”

“Don’t show Zoe,” Evan pled. “That would just be mean.”

“He’s dancing!” Connor put a hand on Evan’s shoulder to steady himself. “The kids are getting him to dance!”

“Jared the dancing groundhog,” Evan shook his head. “Now, I’ve seen everything.”

 

**Sunday, February 4, 2018 5:30 PM**

Alana grinned when she looked up and saw her brother standing in front of her. She hopped off her bed to give him a hug. “Hey! What’re you doing here?”

“Dad called in every favor he’s been saving to get me to come to his Super Bowl party.”

“That works? We can get you to come visit by calling in favors?”

“You don’t have to resort to that, Lanie. If you need me, just call.”

Alana returned his grin and cleared her throat. “So, I’m guessing you didn’t come down here just to say hi.”

“Will it bother you if I do some laundry tonight?”

Alana shook her head and sat down again. “I can keep it going for you. I know how you get sucked into the game.”

“Make sure you come up at some point. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Who?” Alana asked curiously.

“Vanessa, that girl I told you about.”

“The one you’ve been seeing since Halloween?”

“Yeah,” Alan blushed. “It’s getting pretty serious. I met her family last week, so it only seems fair I put her in the hot seat tonight.”

“Oh,” Alana nodded. “Sounds fair.”

Alan scratched his neck and looked down. “I hope you’ll like her. It’s funny. I wasn’t nervous about introducing her to Mom and Dad, but you…”

“I’ll be nice!”

“I know you’ll be nice,” Alan rolled his eyes. “I want you to like her though.”

“You want me to come up now so you can introduce us?”

“Nah, go ahead and finish your homework. I’ll bring her down later. That sounds like a better idea, actually. She’ll probably lose interest in the game before halftime. Maybe you guys can hang out and, I don’t know, watch a movie or something.”

“Sure,” Alana shrugged.

“Great,” Alan grinned. He scratched his neck as he eyed his sister again. “Hey, Lanie, I have a question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Alana was so surprised by his question that she was sure she looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “What?”

“It’s just… Well, I was telling Vanessa about my family the other day and she had an idea. You know, I’ve actually told her a lot about you. About how you’re my favorite sister.”

Alana’s eyes narrowed as she stared at him. She was feeling more suspicious than flattered. “And?”

“And,” Alan continued. “Vanessa thought we should introduce you to Earl.”

“Your roommate Earl?”

“Yeah,” Alan beamed. “I really think you guys would hit it off.”

“I don’t know…”

“It’s just a thought,” Alan said quickly. “Think it over. If you’re interested, I can set it up. We can do a double date. Hey, we could even make it a group thing. Isn’t Tracy seeing someone now?”

“Yeah,” Alana nodded numbly.

“Okay, so there you go. It’d be fun. You haven’t visited me on campus all year!”

“I know. I mean, I know I haven’t visited you. I don’t know about it being fun, but… I’ll, uh, I’ll think about it.”

“It doesn’t have to be anytime soon. I know your schedule’s always packed. Earl’s is too, actually. Maybe you can set aside some time next month?”

“Maybe,” Alana said quietly.

“Okay, great. So, I better get back up there. Alice and Alicia were zeroing in for the kill when I left. Poor Vanessa’s probably ready to run for her life.”

“You left her with them? That was stupid.”

“Yeah,” Alan sighed. “You may have to take me back to the dorm. She was my ride.”

 

**Saturday, February 10, 2018 7:00 PM**

Zoe automatically closed her laptop and threw a blanket over the albums when she heard someone at her door. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that it was Jared. “Hey. Are you alone?” She leaned forward to look up and down the hall. “The guys aren’t with you?”

“No,” Jared shook his head. “I just got here. Your dad let me in.”

“Oh,” Zoe nodded and ushered him in. “Is this a guys’ night or…”

“Guys’ night,” Jared said regretfully. “I just wanted to say hi before…” His voice trailed off when he noticed the lump on her bed. “You have someone in here with you?”

“What? Oh, that,” Zoe laughed. “Promise you won’t tell?”

Jared nodded eagerly and perched on the edge of her bed.

“You know how parents of seniors always buy pages in the back of the yearbook?”

“Yeah,” Jared said slowly.

“My mom just did that. She was going to do a collage for Connor, but I talked her into letting me do it instead. I figured anything I come up with will be way less embarrassing than what she would’ve done.”

“Oh, come on. Please let her do it. It’ll be hilarious. She would totally use a picture of him learning to use the toilet, wouldn’t she?”

Zoe smirked and shook her head. “Too late. I’m almost done. I’ve just spent the whole afternoon scanning old photos and cropping them on my laptop.”

“Can I see?”

“Not yet,” Zoe replied. “I’m not happy with it yet.”

Jared absentmindedly picked up one of the photo albums and paged through it. “I remember this!”

“What?” Zoe leaned over to see. “Oh, that was Connor’s eighth birthday, maybe? The year we had a magician come here.”

“There I am,” Jared grinned. “And, look, there we are. There’s a picture of us in here!”

“Let me see.” Her face lit up when she spotted the picture of them jumping on a trampoline. “I always forget that we’ve technically known you guys forever.”

“Is Evan in here?” Jared determinedly flipped through the book until he found what he was looking for. “There! Okay, that’s kind of hilarious.” 

“What?” Zoe rested her head on his shoulder as she struggled to see. His knees were shaking so much that the album kept bobbing up and down. She smiled wistfully when she finally saw what he was talking about. The camera wasn’t focused on them. Zoe guessed that her mother had been trying to snap a picture of Connor’s gifts. She wondered if her mother had even noticed that she’d caught Connor and Evan sitting side by side, whispering to each other while they watched the other kids play. “That’s not hilarious. That’s kind of adorable. And sad, but mostly adorable.” 

“Eh,” Jared shrugged. 

“I should put that one in the collage,” Zoe decided. 

“You should put it next to one of the pictures of them sleeping in his bed!”

Zoe rolled her eyes and sat back up. “No way. The whole point of this is to avoid embarrassing my brother.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“Do you want me to call your mom and suggest that Henry make your collage?”

“You wouldn’t!”

Zoe laughed and shook her head. “No because, unlike you, I actually try to be nice to people.”

“Hey! I try to be nice. I just...” Jared cut himself off when his eyes landed on her door. “So, uh, exactly what are you parents’ rules about your bedroom door being closed?”

“They’re pretty strongly against it when I have someone of the opposite sex over.”

“Yeah, okay, so maybe we should just-”

“They’re gone for the night.”

“But, your dad-”

“Either left as you were coming in or shortly after. He just popped in for a minute to change his clothes. My parents are having dinner at a friend’s house tonight.”

“Oh.”

“And I’m pretty sure Connor and Evan are in the middle of a movie right now. They started watching it about an hour ago.”

“Oh, so, uh, maybe I should just hang out in here for a bit.”

“Exactly,” Zoe nodded firmly. She shut the album and carefully dropped it on the floor. “You wouldn’t want to disrupt their movie.” 

Jared grinned as he pulled her a bit closer. “We can’t have that. That would just be rude.” 

 

**Wednesday, February 14, 2018 11:50 AM**

Alana sighed as she picked up her phone for the fifth time that minute. The screen hadn’t even gone to sleep yet. Her brother’s name and number still illuminated the room.

This was getting pathetic. She hated how pathetic it was getting. She was sitting in a dark classroom, eating a soggy tuna fish sandwich and half-heartedly working on decorations for a dance she wasn’t even sure she was going to attend.

Alana had never really cared about Valentine’s Day. She had never liked it or disliked it. It was just there. It was a day of hearts and candy and wearing red. It was barely even a blip on her radar. 

This year was different though. This was the first time Alana felt like she was the odd one out. Alan had a girlfriend. Alicia had a boyfriend. Alice was single, but Alana didn’t think that would be the case for long. No matter how many times her sister said she was prioritizing her kids, Alana knew Alice wouldn’t stay single much longer.

Even Tracy had someone now. That was the weirdest one of all.

Tracy had said she could go to lunch with them. Alana had said no right away. There was no way she was going to be the eleventh wheel on an outing with five couples. Things like that normally didn’t get to her, but that was too much. 

She didn’t know what they were thinking. Their lunch period was so short that Alana didn’t know how the group expected to make it back before their next class. She had a feeling they might be skipping the rest of the afternoon. She wondered if Tracy knew that. She wondered if Tracy cared. The old Tracy would have, but the new Tracy… Alana wasn’t sure.

It wasn’t that Alana wanted a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or anyone. She kept telling herself that as she stared at her phone. She kept telling herself that she shouldn’t contact her brother until Valentine’s Day was over. 

She finally decided to keep her message vague. That way, she would have some wiggle room if she managed to talk herself out of meeting Earl.

_Conversations  
Alan (Mobile)_

_Wednesday 2/14_  
_11:55 AM  
_ _Hey, bro. I need to talk to you. Call me tonight._

__

__

 

**Saturday, February 17, 2018 6:05 AM**

“Wow. Looks like they’re fighting already.”

Evan’s eyes flew open at Jared’s words and he looked around wildly as he tried to get his bearings. “What’s happening? Did I fall asleep?”

“You couldn’t save it for the drive up to the lodge? Zoe says it takes five hours to get there.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure I’ll sleep the whole way up.”

“Me too,” Jared nodded. “I don’t know why they wanted us here so early.”

Evan yawned and pulled his sleeves down past his hands. “What were you saying about fighting?”

“The Murphys,” Jared said. He pointed to the side of their house. “Zoe warned me her family would be at each other’s throats today.”

“I wonder what-”

Jared put a hand on Evan’s arm to stop him. He looked around quickly and lowered his voice when he started speaking again. Evan didn’t really think that was necessary. All the windows were up in Jared’s car and the Murphys hadn’t noticed them yet. It made him realize that whatever Jared had to say must be pretty important.

“Has Connor told you anything about the last time they went skiing?”

Evan thought about it for a moment before shaking his head.

“Okay,” Jared sighed. “So, Zoe told me about it the other day. Zoe and Connor drove up in one car, their parents in the other. They drove up together because Zoe had band practice and she refused to miss it. Zoe said Connor ended up ditching her at a rest stop.”

“What?”

“Yeah, that’s not the worst part. He ditched her and there’s no cell service up there and the phones were down at the lodge. She ended up having to take three different buses to get there. She said she was basically in tears by the time she arrived.”

“That’s-”

“I’m not done,” Jared interrupted. “Sorry, it’s just they’re going to realize we’re here and… So, yeah… While Zoe was stuck figuring out how to get up the mountain, Connor went off on his own, got totally high, and wrecked his car.”

“He what?” Evan’s eyes automatically sought out the car that Connor and Zoe shared.

“Haven’t you ever wondered why they share a car? Why a family that could clearly afford to buy each of their kids a car hasn’t done so?”

“I, uh-”

“Zoe said they bought that one when she got her license. It kind of ticks her off that she still has to share it with her brother.”

“I didn’t know,” Evan said quietly.

“Yeah, well, now you do. I thought it was only fair since I have a feeling that’s the battle we’re heading into.” 

Jared smiled grimly and reached for the door handle. “We better get out there. I think they spotted us.”

Evan shakily stumbled out of the car and grabbed his duffle from the backseat. He expected to hear shouting as they approached the Murphys and was surprised when he realized how calm they sounded. 

“Good morning,” Jared greeted. He dropped his bag on the ground and looked around uncertainly. Evan could tell he was debating whether he should go to Zoe or stay where he was. Evan was relieved when Jared decided to stay put. It made him feel like they were on the same team.

“Good morning,” Cynthia chirped. “We were just working out some logistics. It turns out it’ll just be the six of us. The Harrises called to cancel last night.”

“Because of me,” Connor cut in.

“Because Amanda’s cousin is in the hospital,” Cynthia said firmly. “We’ve been over this, Connor.”

“We’re trying to work out who’s going in which car,” Zoe told them.

“The four of us can drive up together,” Connor insisted.

“That’s not happening,” Larry laughed mirthlessly.

“Zoe can drive us, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Connor snapped.

“I’m not driving all the way up there!” Zoe squeaked. “Dad made me practice on the roads around the lodge two years ago and it was terrifying.” She put her hands on her hips and glared at her brother. “You’re an idiot if you seriously think they’re going to let you drive us there. Just look at the scar on your elbow if you need to be reminded why.”

Connor self-consciously squeezed his elbows, but didn’t respond.

“How about this?” Cynthia said quietly. “Zoe and Jared can ride with me. Connor and Evan can go with Larry.” She shut her eyes and took a breath when she saw the look on Connor’s face. “Or vice versa. Connor and Evan can go with me and…”

Her voice trailed off as she watched her son grab his bag and stalk over to his father’s car. Connor threw his duffle in the trunk before climbing into the backseat.

“All right, well, that’s settled then…” Cynthia smiled weakly at the others before heading for her car.

Evan stayed still for a minute while he watched everyone scurry around the driveway. The fact that Connor was sitting in the back caused a dilemma for him. Did that mean he had to sit in the front? The thought made him want to cringe. Would he have to try to carry on a conversation with Mr. Murphy? It was a five-hour drive. He couldn’t do that. There was no way anyone expected him to do that. Would it seem weird or rude or immature if he got in the back with Connor? Maybe he could get in Mrs. Murphy’s car. He could sit in the back with Jared and pretend he hadn’t heard the final decision. Of course, that would leave Connor alone with his father for hours. Evan had a feeling that wouldn’t end well.

Evan jumped when he felt someone smack his shoulder. He spun around to see Jared shaking his head at him. 

“Slight change of plans,” Jared informed him. “Zoe thinks we should have a guys’ car and a girls’ car.” 

Evan glanced over his shoulder to see Zoe watching them. She smiled apologetically before getting in the car with her mother. 

“Shotgun,” Jared remarked drolly. He smirked and rolled his eyes when he saw the look of relief on Evan’s face.

Evan tossed his bag in the trunk and finally got in. Connor was already leaning against the window with his eyes closed and his earbuds in. Evan decided to do the same. It didn’t take him long to start drifting off to sleep. 

 

**Saturday, February 17, 2018 6:20 AM**

“Oh no, you don’t!”

Zoe stopped detangling her earbuds and squinted at her mother. “What?”

“Please don’t put your headphones on. It’s a five-hour drive. I was hoping we could talk, since it’s just the two of us.” Cynthia laughed when she saw the way Zoe’s eyes had widened. “Not the whole time, but… You can listen to anything you want. Do you have your cable with you? You can plug it into the-the thing.”

Zoe nodded uneasily and fished her USB cord out of her purse. She carefully examined her music library while she debated which playlist to put on.

“So, I guess this wasn’t your way of getting me alone then?”

“Um, no, not really. I just thought Dad and Connor could use two buffers today.” 

“They’ve been getting along better lately,” Cynthia said brightly. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“I hope so.” 

Zoe plugged her iPod into the port and started her _Hamilton_ playlist. She knew her mother could tolerate that one, that she liked to claim she understood it.

They were silent for a few minutes. Cynthia sipped her coffee and focused on merging onto the highway. Zoe tried not to laugh as she texted Jared. He kept saying that he was going to kill her.

According to Jared, Connor and Evan were already asleep in the backseat and he was being interrogated by her father.

“Are you texting Jared?” 

Zoe could feel her cheeks heating up when she saw the knowing glint in her mother’s eyes. “Yeah…”

“Don’t sound so surprised. You always get the same look on your face when you’re texting a boy you like.”

Zoe laughed and put her phone down. “Okay, you got me. Jared’s freaking out because Dad’s grilling him.”

“That’s why I was surprised you didn’t want to ride up with him.”

“I did, but…”

“Well, since it’s just us, I think we should have a talk.” Cynthia caught her daughter’s eye and smiled. “I meant to talk to you last night, but, well, you know.”

Zoe nodded numbly. The whole house had been in an uproar when the Harrises had cancelled on them. Connor had thrown a fit. He’d convinced himself that they were bailing because of him, because of how he’d acted the last time they’d gone skiing.

Zoe had a feeling he was right, at least partially. She hadn’t said that though. It had taken her over an hour to get her brother to calm down. 

She still didn’t know why he had gotten so upset. He hated the Harrises. He thought they were pompous and obnoxious and a whole host of other words that were too colorful for her vocabulary. He hated their sons. He hated feeling like he had to be “on” when he was supposed to be on vacation. Not that he’d ever actually succeeded in being “on.” He’d just felt like he had to be. 

“Is Mrs. Harris’s cousin really sick?” Zoe asked.

“That’s what she said,” Cynthia said stiffly. “It doesn’t matter though. It’s better this way. You all will have more fun without them, won’t you?”

“Definitely,” Zoe nodded. She looked at her mother curiously. “So, what’d you want to talk to me about?”

“Well, for starters, I think we need to lay down some rules for this weekend.”

“Rules?” Zoe folded her arms across her chest as she regarded her mother. “What kind of rules?”

“When we asked Evan and Jared to come with us, we thought we were inviting Connor’s friends. We didn’t realize that we were inviting your boyfriend to go away with us.”

“Mom-”

“I know. I know what you’re going to say. You weren’t going out with Jared when we asked him. That’s why we didn’t take it back. It’s just, well, this is a family vacation, Zoe.”

“I know!”

“With that in mind-”

“I know it’s a family vacation. It’s always been a family vacation. That’s what you told me every year when I begged you to let me bring Nicole.”

“Zoe-”

“It’s funny, actually. How many times did I ask you if I could bring my friends with us? The answer was always no. No because our ski weekends were all about family. And the Harrises, I suppose. And, now, suddenly it’s all different because Connor has friends.”

Cynthia inhaled sharply. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. I just… Your father and I thought it would be better for everyone if Connor had-”

“Oh, no, you’re right,” Zoe cut in. “It’ll definitely be better with them there. It’s just the principle of the matter.”

“Do you want to invite someone? I can turn around if you want to go pick up one of your friends.”

“Who would I ask?” Zoe asked shrilly. “I don’t…” She laughed harshly as a thought popped into her head. “You know, I just realized something. Evan is the only real friend I have right now. I mean, Jared was my friend, but now he’s my boyfriend and-and Connor’s my brother, so Evan…”

“Why don’t we spend the day together tomorrow? We can hit the sauna and get facials and massages. Maybe even do a bit of skiing, if we feel like it.”

“Sounds great, Mom.” Zoe rolled her eyes and pressed her forehead against the window.

“Oh, sweetie, I hate seeing you like this. Is there any chance you and Nicole will make up?”

Zoe shut her eyes and looked down. She hadn’t told her mother what had happened with Nicole. She’d simply said they’d had a falling out and that was that. 

“I hope you do. You two were always so-”

“Mom, please.”

“Okay, fine,” Cynthia sighed. Her nose crinkled as she stared straight ahead. “Now, where was I? Oh, the rules.” She looked at Zoe quickly and smiled. “I’ll be blunt. No hanky-panky.”

“Mom! Seriously?”

“Zoe, this is a family vacation and-”

“Oh my God. Nothing’s going to happen, okay? Jared and I have been going out a month. One month. Do you really think we’re...” Zoe groaned as she let her head fell into her hands. She took a deep breath before glancing up at her mother again. “And hanky-panky? Really?”

“What else should I have called it?”

“I don’t know… You could’ve just told me not to, um… not to hook up with him while we’re there.”

“See, I’ve never been sure what hooking up entails, exactly. Is it-”

“Oh my God,” Zoe moaned. “Are we stopping soon because I think I want to switch cars.”

 

**Saturday, February 17, 2018 12:00 PM**

Zoe was not surprised when they reached the cabin and discovered that the guys had beaten them to it. Her father was infamous for his lead foot and she doubted they had stopped more than once the whole trip up.

“Where is everyone?” Cynthia asked once they’d finished unloading her car.

“The boys went to find something to eat,” Larry informed them. He grinned when he caught Zoe’s eye. “Your boyfriend has quite an appetite.”

“Were you nice to him?” Zoe demanded. “Please tell me you were nice.”

“I’m always nice,” Larry gasped defensively.

“Dad-”

“It was fine, Zoe. We had a good talk.”

Zoe narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but decided to wait and get the details from Jared.

“The master’s through there.” Larry pointed across the cabin. “The boys are in the room next to the kitchen. Zoe’s across the hall from them.”

“You put all three boys in the same room?” Cynthia asked quietly.

“Of course,” Larry frowned.

“We talked about this.” 

Zoe watched her parents curiously. She tried and failed to follow the conversation they were having with their eyes. “What’s going on?” 

“It’s nothing,” Larry replied.

“We just…” Cynthia shook her head when she saw the look on her husband’s face. “I just thought it might be more comfortable for everyone if you shared with Connor.”

“Oh my God. Are you serious?” Zoe groaned. “Are you that worried that Jared and I are going to…” 

She couldn’t finish that sentence. She couldn’t finish it while both her parents were standing there, looking at her like she’d just told them she was going to run away and become a stripper.

“There are two beds in each of the junior bedrooms,” Cynthia explained. “This way, you can each have your own bed.”

“Oh,” Zoe said slowly. “So, this is about Connor and Evan then.”

Her mother had been asking her about them since New Year’s. She’d started off slowly, with very subtle questions and comments. That had changed over the last few weeks. Zoe tried to keep her answers as vague as possible. It wasn’t a hard thing to do since there really wasn’t much for her to say.

“It’s not-” Cynthia started. “It’s not that we have a problem with them. It’s just that-”

“There isn’t a them, Mom. I already told you they’re not together.”

“I know you told me that, but you also told me you wouldn’t tell me they were together if Connor asked you not to.” Cynthia turned to look at her husband. “What’s your opinion on this?”

“I don’t see the harm,” Larry shrugged. “Connor’s better when Evan’s around. He’s happier. He doesn’t look like death warmed over.”

“Well, I know that. He definitely looks better rested, but…” Cynthia sighed and shut her eyes. “It’s Zoe I’m worried about.”

“Me?” Zoe squeaked. “Why?”

“Because of the message we’re sending you if we allow this to continue,” Cynthia said. “Because you’ll look at Connor and Evan and think that-”

“Mom, I’m not going to start demanding that you let Jared sleep in my bed because Connor gets to share a bed with Evan! First of all, they’re totally different situations. And, secondly… Secondly, I’ve heard Jared snore. I don’t want to have to deal with that.”

Larry laughed and shook his head. “She has you there, Cynthia. We’ve all heard that boy snore.”

“They’re just friends,” Zoe insisted. “Friends who… I don’t know. It’s weird, but they’re weird, so it works for them.”

“Quiet,” Larry hissed. He nodded at the window. Zoe craned her neck to watch as the boys made their way down the path to their cabin.

Cynthia took a breath and plastered a smile on her face as they came through the door. “Did you find something to eat?”

“We got hot dogs from the snack bar,” Jared said. He grinned when he saw Zoe. “Did you eat yet?”

“Not yet,” Zoe shook her head. 

“I’ll go with you, if you want to…” Jared gestured at the door.

“I think we’ll have lunch at the restaurant,” Cynthia decided. “Do you want to join us?”

“Nah,” Zoe decided. “I think I’ll just grab a quick bite and hit the slopes. I’m going to teach Jared how to ski.”

“And you two?” Cynthia gazed at Connor and Evan. “Do you have plans for the afternoon?”

“You want to learn to ski?” Zoe asked Evan.

Evan shook his head nervously. “N-not really. I’m kind of, uh, accident-prone, so I’m thinking that might be a bad idea. A really bad idea, like someone will have to take me to the hospital if I try. I can, uh, go watch you all though. I can-I can hold your bags. I’m great at holding bags.”

“We’re going to stay in and play board games,” Connor announced. He gestured at the shelves across from them.

“You sure?” Cynthia asked swiftly. “It’s such a nice day out. There must be something you-”

Larry gently placed a hand on his wife’s arm. “It’s fine. Let them stay in if they want.”

Cynthia looked down and nodded. “Okay. Well… Have fun. We’ll be-”

“They’ll find us if they need us,” Larry cut in. He shook his head and ushered her out of the cabin before she could argue.

 

**Sunday, February 18, 2018 3:30 AM**

“Gah!” Evan gasped as Connor climbed back in bed. “Your feet are freezing.”

Evan could feel the panic surging through him when Connor didn’t respond. Had that been rude? He hadn’t meant to insult Connor. It was just, well, his feet felt like they were made of ice. 

“S-sorry,” Evan stammered. “I-”

“I didn’t realize you were awake,” Connor muttered.

“That noise woke me up. Did you hear it? The clanging noise? The rumbling, clanging noise? I thought something was wrong, like there was an avalanche or something.”

“I don’t think they have avalanches around here.”

“Don’t laugh. It’s not funny.” Evan chuckled in spite of himself. “I was kind of freaking out.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“Shut up.” Evan shook his head and tilted his head to look at Connor. He quickly dropped his gaze when he saw Connor poking at his elbow.

“So, who you told you?” Connor finally asked after a minute of silence. “Zoe?”

“Jared,” Evan whispered. “Zoe told him.”

“Right, of course, she did.”

“Does it hurt?” Evan cringed when realized what he’d asked. “Of course, it doesn’t hurt. It was a year ago? Is that right?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about? I was stupid and angry and reckless and high. So high. I think that’s the highest I ever got.”

“Oh.”

“That was the start of my… my spiral, I guess you’d call it. Things just got worse from there and then… Well, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Connor shrugged. “It was no one’s fault but my own.” He shook his head and laughed callously. “Dr. Miller would be so proud if he heard me say that.”

“You should tell him. It makes Dr. Sherman’s day when he thinks I’ve had a breakthrough.” Evan yawned and stretched his arms. He froze in mid-stretch when his right arm brushed against Connor’s shoulder. He hadn’t realized they were that close. It wasn’t unusual for them to wake up and find themselves on top of each other, but it wasn’t something they did when they were conscious.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled. He rolled over and shakily hugged his pillow to his chest. 

Connor cleared his throat and stared at the ceiling. “It’s fine… Really, it’s fine.”

 

**Sunday, February 18, 2018 2:30 PM**

“I like skiing,” Jared announced as they made their way out of the snack bar. “I think I’m getting good at it. Don’t you think I’m getting good at it?”

“You’ve mastered the kiddie trail,” Zoe smirked. “Do you want try something more advanced?”

“And ruin my streak? No, thank you.”

“We have a couple hours until dinner. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. What’s everyone else up to this afternoon?”

“My dad’s probably skiing still. My mom said something about going to the spa. I guess I could join her, but…” Zoe’s face scrunched up at the thought of getting a mud wrap. “Connor was going to show Evan around the resort. They’re probably on the hiking trail.”

“Looking at trees,” Jared laughed.

“Birds, most likely. They don’t have a great variety of trees up here.”

“So… No one’s in the cabin then?”

Zoe could feel her cheeks turning red when she met his stare. The fact that he looked even more uncertain than she felt was the only thing that kept her from stomping on his foot.

“Yeah, but-”

“I just meant that…” Jared shut his eyes and let out a breath. “Homework. I still have some homework to finish, so-”

“I think I’ll go find my mom. I haven’t had a facial in forever.”

“Oh… Okay. Cool. I’ll just…”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded awkwardly. “I’ll-I’ll see you at dinner.”

 

**Monday, February 19, 2018 11:00 AM**

Zoe frowned when she came out of the cabin. “What’s going on?”

“We decided to switch things up for the drive home,” her mother explained. “I figured you wouldn’t want to drive with me again.”

“I don’t-” Zoe started. 

“We’ll see you at home,” Cynthia said swiftly before climbing into her car.

Zoe watched as they started down the road. Jared caught her eye and grimaced. He was in the passenger seat again. Zoe hoped that her mother’s questions wouldn’t be as invasive as her father’s had been.

“Okay,” Zoe sighed. She started to get in the car when her father stopped her. “What?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you said before we left,” Larry replied. “About how you said it was terrifying to drive down the mountain.”

“Yeah. So?”

Larry dangled his keys in front of her. “That’s unacceptable. You need to be able to drive in all kinds of conditions.”

“Dad…” Zoe groaned. “No.”

“This isn’t up for debate.”

“Fine,” Zoe relented. “But, don’t blame me if I ding your car.”

“I can live with a dent or two if it means that you know how to drive through the snow.”

Zoe grabbed the keys before she could change her mind. “I’m not driving all the way home.”

“That’s fair,” her father agreed. “We can take turns.”

 

**Saturday, February 24, 2018 6:00 PM**

Evan froze when he saw the binder. His breath caught in his throat and his eyes darted around frantically.

It couldn’t be the same binder. It couldn’t. He hadn’t seen that thing in years. Not since that awful day when…

He spun around when he heard his mother behind him. He knew that look. 

It was the binder. It was definitely the binder. The sex binder.

He tried to speak, but the words refused to come out. He followed her to the table in a daze. He didn’t remember sitting down. He didn’t remember deciding not to flee.

“Breathe, Evan,” Heidi said calmly.

He quickly obeyed. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath.

“So, I take it you remember what this is?” Heidi smiled when their eyes met. “Relax. I’m not going to lecture you again. I just thought you might want to page through it, to refresh your memory.”

She slid the binder over to him, but he didn’t open it. He didn’t need to open it to remember what was inside. The diagrams. The photos. The pages and pages of terms and descriptions and statistics.

His mother took this very seriously. He knew she was determined that her son would not be a statistic. That he would know all the information she could force into his brain.

“I’ve added to it,” Heidi continued. “I realized I left some things out. Some very important things. It was an oversight on my part. It didn’t occur to me that… When I first made this, you were so convinced that you were going to grow up and marry Emma Watson that it never occurred to me to…”

Her voice trailed off as he flipped to the back of the binder. He snapped it shut and glanced up at her in alarm. “Mom!”

“I’m fine with it, Evan. Really. I’m totally fine with it. I just wish you’d felt comfortable enough to tell me.”

“About what?” Evan swallowed uncomfortably as he scrutinized her expression.

Heidi smiled patiently and folded her hands in front of her. “Cynthia and I have been going back and forth about this for weeks. She doesn’t think we should talk to you boys about it. She thinks you’ll come to us when you’re ready, but I know you, Evan. You’ll never be ready, not if there’s even a small part of you that’s worrying about my reaction.”

Evan felt like he was going to be sick. He seriously felt like he was going to be sick, like he could vomit all over the table. “This is about Connor.”

“Yes,” Heidi smiled. “I know you-”

“We’re friends, Mom,” Evan hissed. His hands flew up to catch his head before it hit the table. “We’re just friends.”

“I’ve seen you together. Cynthia and I… We know how you’ve been sleeping in the same bed. That you-”

“That’s nothing. We just… We sleep better when we share.”

“It’s not nothing, Evan. It’s-”

“It’s like… It’s like… You know that episode of _Friends_? The one where Joey and Ross are nap partners? It’s like that. That’s all it is.”

“Evan, sweetie-”

“Connor doesn’t-”

Evan shut his mouth and stared at his hands. He knew it was telling that his first thought was that Connor didn’t like him that way, not that he didn’t like Connor. He’d spent enough time with Dr. Sherman to know that was significant. 

He couldn’t think about that though. He couldn’t think about it while his mother was staring at him and the sex binder… The stupid sex binder was in front of him and…

“Sweetie, you know you can tell me anything, right? I love you, no matter what. You could go on a killing spree and I’d be that mother, the one standing in front of the camera shouting that you’re innocent. They could show me irrefutable evidence that you’d done it and I’d still shrug and say you must’ve had your reasons.”

Heidi winced when she realized what she’d said. “Not that I’m comparing being gay to being a serial killer. I just mean… I just mean that there’s nothing you could do or be that will ever make me stop loving you.”

Evan nodded weakly. “I know what you meant.”

“Okay. Good.” She studied him curiously. “So, there’s really nothing-”

“Mom!”

“Okay, okay, fair enough.” Heidi tapped the binder and looked him in the eye. “You can hang onto that, just in case.”

“That’s really not necessary!”

Heidi tapped her chin while she squinted at him. “I’m going to email you a list of links to some reputable sites. Promise me you’ll look at them first, if you decide to do your own research.”

“Mom-”

“Evan.”

“Fine,” Evan relented. “I promise, okay?”

“Okay,” Heidi beamed. “Now, what should we do for dinner?”

 

**Saturday, February 24, 2018 8:00 PM**

“No Evan tonight?”

Connor blinked as his father joined him on the couch. “Um, no. His mother had the day off, so they’re doing something together.”

“Good for them,” Larry nodded. “She works a lot, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled. He looked from the TV to his father and back again. “Do you want to watch something because I can-”

“I was hoping to talk to you, actually.”

Connor glanced at his father suspiciously. “Okay…”

“It’s about Evan.”

Connor stopped playing with his hands and stared up at his father. “What about him?”

Larry took a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Your mother doesn’t think we should talk to you about this.” He looked over his shoulder quickly. “She’ll kill me if she hears I said anything, but I think this is too important to ignore.”

Connor debated the pros and cons of grabbing his phone. Zoe was upstairs. He could send her a SOS text and…

“We’ve had our differences over the years,” Larry continued. “I know you see me as the bad guy, the enforcer. And maybe I am. I know I’ve been tough on you. Probably too tough at times. It’s just, well, I felt like someone had to be. Your mother has always coddled you enough for the both of us.

“It killed me, you know. It killed me to see this boy who I knew was so smart and so funny and so capable… It killed me to see you throwing that away. I hated your choices, but not you. Never you. 

“Your mother’s convinced that you aren’t telling us about Evan because of me. She’s convinced that you think I’ll reject you, that I’ll bully you and throw you out of the house. So, I want to make sure this is clear. The only thing you have ever done, that you could ever do, to disappoint me is to not be the best possible version of yourself.

“I feel like you’re getting there. I’ve been watching you these past few months and I think you’re getting there. I think Evan has played a big part in that and, for that reason, I hope he stays in your life, in whatever capacity you see fit.”

Connor looked up and met his father’s stare. “We’re not together. Evan and I… Nothing’s happened between us.”

Larry smiled knowingly. “But, you want it to, don’t you?”

Connor stared at his hands. He stared at his hands until he felt his father squeeze his shoulder.

“Then, I hope it does.”


	8. March, part 1

**Thursday, March 1, 2018 11:40 AM**

Evan cursed himself and his predictability when he saw Connor leaning against his locker. This was exactly what he’d been trying to avoid, what he’d managed to avoid all week.

Of course, he knew he’d had it easy up until this point. They’d started the week with two snow days. Evan had been thrilled to be able to stay home and hide from everyone. He’d ignored his friends’ texts and claimed that his phone kept dying on him. He didn’t think they’d bought that, especially since his phone seemed to be miraculously better when they went back to school, but no one questioned him about it.

Ms. Thomas had saved him the day before. She’d asked him to meet with her during lunch to discuss an internship she thought he might be interested in. He wasn’t sure he wanted to take it (the whole thing sounded scary when he stopped and thought about it), but it had given him an excuse not to meet Connor in the library.

He knew he couldn’t keep avoiding Connor. He also knew he shouldn’t be avoiding Connor. It wasn’t Connor’s fault that he was freaking out.

Or, rather, that he knew he would freak out if he allowed himself to dwell on the subject that kept trying to bounce around his brain.

This was all his mother’s fault. If she hadn’t brought out the sex binder and talked to him and looked at him like she knew him better than he knew himself, then none of this would be happening. He wouldn’t be trying to understand her reasoning. He wouldn’t be wondering if she was seeing something he hadn’t noticed. 

He knew his relationship with Connor was different. That was putting it lightly. It was weird and strange and odd and every other word that fell into that category. There were times where it felt like everything that had happened between them was emotional and intense and incredibly, almost scarily important.

It was no wonder Evan was feeling confused. His mother’s comments had triggered something in his brain that… 

That he didn’t want to deal with. Because dealing with it made it real. Because dealing with it could only unleash a whole other set of questions and complications and messes that couldn’t be cleaned.

It was better this way. It was better to keep it at bay until the gnawing in his gut had died down, until he could think about it without wanting to run away and hide his head in the sand.

Unfortunately, sticking his head in the sand wasn’t an option just then. Connor wasn’t going away. Evan knew that for a fact. He also knew that it would only make things worse if he fled. 

“Hey,” he mumbled as he opened his locker.

“He speaks!” Connor exclaimed mockingly. “And here I was thinking there was something wrong with your vocal cords.”

“I, uh-”

“Okay, you know how I’m a recovering asshole? Well, part of my recovery requires the people around me to tell me when I’m being an asshole.”

“What?”

Connor sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Are you going to tell me what I did or do I have to guess? We’re going to be here a long time if it’s the latter because I’m drawing a blank.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Evan shrugged. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No,” Evan said tensely. “I just… I just haven’t felt like talking.”

“At all? Not even to say hi? Not even to comment on the shitload of snow we got this week? You love talking about the weather. It’s, like, your favorite thing, besides trees and-and maybe Harry Potter.”

“I know… I just…”

“Haven’t felt like talking.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “I, uh, I get like this sometimes. I thought you knew that.”

Evan looked down quickly when he realized Connor was studying his face. He hoped and prayed that he wasn’t too red, that his expression wasn’t too obvious.

“You know you can… If something’s bothering you…” Connor said tentatively.

“It’s nothing,” Evan assured him. “Really. I just…”

“Okay, fine,” Connor finally muttered. “So, are we eating in the library today?”

“Y-yeah,” Evan stammered. He decided not to mention the fact that he’d been planning to eat alone. “It’s freezing out and the snow hasn’t-”

“Okay,” Connor cut in sharply. “Let’s go.” 

 

**Friday, March 2, 2018 11:45 PM**

The house was dark when they got there. Alana noticed that right away. Even though her brain felt like it was filled with clouds and marshmallows, she noticed that her parents hadn’t waited up for her.

The thought made her feel simultaneously proud to have their trust and sick when she realized she’d lose it if she got caught.

“Shh,” Alana hissed as she unlocked the door.

“I didn’t say anything!” Tracy giggled.

“I know, but… I think everyone’s gone to bed. Let’s just… Let’s just go straight to my room. No noise.”

“No noise,” Tracy agreed.

Alana nodded and carefully opened the door. She barely made it two steps before she tripped over something large and furry, something that immediately started yelping at her and shaking.

Alana blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dark. It only took her a moment to realize what she’d done. She dropped to the ground and threw her arms around her dog’s neck. “Oh, Sally! I’m so sorry, baby! I didn’t see you there.”

“Come on,” Tracy muttered. “We need to keep moving.” 

“Oh, here they are now.”

Alana felt like her stomach was going to drop to her feet when she heard her father on the stairs. She let go of Sally and brushed herself off as she stood up again.

“Yes, they made it… They look fine to me, so stop worrying yourself.… Really? I’ll tell her… Okay, night, Al.” Mr. Beck disconnected the call and grinned at his daughter. “That was your brother. He wanted to make sure you made it home safely.”

“He got us an Uber,” Alana said defensively. “What did he think was going to happen?”

“I know, but I think he was feeling a bit guilty. He didn’t realize Vanessa’s plans for you all involved going to a frat party.”

Alana looked down at the mention of the party. She hadn’t particularly enjoyed it. It had been loud and smelly and filled with strangers who kept rubbing up against each other. Alan hadn’t left her side the whole night. He’d made sure that he knew where Tracy and Alana were at all times. 

She had a feeling the evening was going to cause a fight between her brother and Vanessa. She hoped they didn’t break up though. She actually liked Vanessa. She was cool in her own off-beat kind of way.

It had just been the four of them for most of the night. John had cancelled on them because he’d had a game and Earl had bowed out early because he had a class the next day.

Alana wasn’t sure how she felt about Earl. He seemed nice enough. She could see why her brother thought she’d like him. It hadn’t taken her long to realize that they really did have a lot in common. She hadn’t felt any kind of spark though. Was that the word? She wasn’t sure. She was too buzzed to be sure. 

She thought they could be friends though. She didn’t mind the idea. She didn’t really have any guy friends. 

“Your brother said Earl won’t stop talking about you,” Mr. Beck grinned. “Seems you made quite an impression on him.”

“Really?” Alana gasped. She automatically looked at Tracy and bit her lip when she saw the amusement on her friend’s face.

“Really,” Mr. Beck confirmed. He shook his head and patted Sally’s back. “All right. You two should turn in for the night. Do you have any Tylenol down there? I have a feeling you’ll need it tomorrow.”

“I set it all up before we left,” Alana nodded. “Tylenol, water, mouthwash, extra pillows. I even got some ginger ale.”

“That’s my girl…” Mr. Beck laughed. He clapped Alana on the shoulder and started back up the stairs. “Just don’t make this a regular thing, yeah?”

Alana nodded eagerly. She didn’t know if that was really the end of it, but she tried to convince herself it was. She didn’t think she’d be able to sleep if she started worrying about what the morning would bring.

“You knew?” Tracy asked as they crept towards the basement.

“What?”

“You knew we were going to a party?”

“Vanessa texted me yesterday,” Alana told her.

“And you still wanted to go?” Tracy stared at her in amazement.

“Sure. Why not?” Alana shrugged.

Tracy laughed and shook her head. “This was fun.”

“The party?” Alana wrinkled her nose. She didn’t think either of them would call that fun. She hadn’t really expected it to be. She’d only decided to go because she was curious. And because she’d wanted to prove to Tracy that she could loosen up sometimes, that she could fit in when she wanted to.

“Hanging out with you. I’ve missed this.”

Alana closed her eyes and smiled. “Me too.”

 

**Wednesday, March 7, 2018 9:25 AM**

“What was that?” Jared demanded as soon as the bell rang. He shut his eyes and took a breath. He could feel several of his classmates staring at him. He grabbed his things and hurried out of the classroom without looking back. 

“What was what?” Zoe whispered once she’d caught up. 

“That invitation,” Jared hissed. “You just… Why did you do that?”

“Why did I invite our classmates to your party?”

“It’s my birthday party,” Jared reminded her. “And you just…”

She didn’t get it. He could tell she didn’t get it. 

Zoe was the kind of person who could simply look at a group of people and ask if they wanted to go to a party. People listened when she did that. They listened and they wanted to go. They didn’t think it was strange. They didn’t make up excuses to explain why they couldn’t make it. 

This was the second time she’d issued an invitation without consulting him. First, she’d asked their lunch group. This time, she’d gone and invited their entire French class.

He wasn’t enough for her. Jared was starting to realize that. She was getting bored. Restless. Tired of only hanging out with her brother and Evan… and him.

“I’m sorry,” Zoe said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I just… You kept saying that most of the guests are going to be your relatives and your parents’ friends and I… I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”

Jared didn’t say anything. He gripped his French book a bit tighter and stared at the ceiling. 

“It’s fine,” Jared finally said. He gave her a quick nod when the warning bell rang. “I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed. “See you.”

 

**Friday, March 9, 2018 6:45 PM**

Jared closed his bedroom door, flipped his light on, and let out a scream that would have been embarrassing if he stopped and thought about it. As it was, his heart was beating too quickly to focus on anything other than the fact that Connor had been sitting at his desk in the dark.

“Dude!” Jared laughed. “What the hell? Just when I was starting to think there was a chance you might not grow up to be a total…”

“A total what?

“I don’t think I want to finish that thought,” Jared decided.

“Good idea.”

“Yeah…” Jared shook his head and collapsed onto one of his beanbag chairs. “So, why’re you up here? I’m guessing-slash-hoping you aren’t planning to kill me on my birthday.”

“There would be something kind of poetic in that,” Connor said thoughtfully.

“Okay, enough with the creepy stuff,” Jared shuddered. He rested his chin on his hands while he studied Connor’s posture. “You hiding too?”

“There are a lot of people down there. When did you become so popular?”

“I’m not,” Jared mumbled. “They’re just… You know.”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged.

“I wish Evan and his mom would hurry up and get here. People will start leaving once they have cake.”

“Is that where they are?”

“It’s a tradition of ours,” Jared explained. “Our parents used to throw joint birthday parties for us since we were born a day apart and it was just… easier, I guess. Especially after Evan’s dad left. My parents provided the venue, Evan’s mom got the cake.”

“You guys really have known each other forever, haven’t you?”

Jared squinted at Connor for a moment before looking away nervously. There was something almost sad about his tone. “Pretty much. Our moms actually met in a birthing class, so, yeah, we’ve basically been stuck with each other our entire lives.”

“Do you know-” Connor’s mouth snapped shut suddenly and he slumped down in the chair.

“Do I know what?” Jared asked cautiously.

Connor didn’t say anything for a minute. When he spoke again, his voice was oddly quiet.

“Do you know why Evan’s mad at me?”

“He’s mad at you?” Jared frowned.

“I think so,” Connor said uncertainly. “I don’t know. He’s been kind of… kind of distant, I guess. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to say more than two words at a time.”

“He’s Evan,” Jared shrugged. “He gets like that sometimes.”

“Yeah, but...”

“I think he’s been kind of out of sorts since the whole sex binder thing.”

“The what?”

“He didn’t tell you about that?” Jared laughed. “Have you been at his house this week?”

Connor shook his head.

“I was there the other day and the binder’s still on his desk. It’s like he’s scared to touch it or something. That thing’s going to be there forever.”

“What is a sex binder?”

“It’s this thing his mom made when we were in middle school. One of her co-workers put together a booklet for his kid with all kinds of, uh, sex info in it and Evan’s mom liked the idea. I used to look at it every time I went to their house before Evan finally made it disappear. I think I had that thing memorized by the time I finished the eighth grade… Good times…”

The expression on Connor’s face was one of pure confusion. “And what, exactly, does this have to do with me?”

“I didn’t say it had anything to do with you,” Jared snapped. “I said it’s why Evan’s been so off lately. His mom dug the binder back out and-”

Jared stopped himself when he realized he was getting dangerously close to mentioning the thing they did not speak about. 

“And?”

Jared sighed when he saw the look on Connor’s face. It was so pathetic, so desperate that Jared felt like he had to throw him a bone.

“And she added to it,” Jared said quietly. 

“She added to it? What-”

“She realized she’d left some things out. Things she didn’t think applied to Evan when he was twelve.” He stared at Connor and tried to inject as much meaning as he could into his words.

“What kind of-”

“Yeah, I’m done,” Jared announced. He hadn’t even gotten this far with Evan. He’d simply looked at the back of the binder and burst out laughing. Evan had blushed and stammered for a solid minute before Jared decided to have mercy on him and suggest they go order dinner.

Jared chuckled as he watched Connor’s emotions flicker across his face. Confusion. Hope. Uncertainty. Hope again. 

It was weird how easy it was getting for him to guess what was going through Connor’s brain.

“Oh, man,” Jared shook his head. “You really have it bad, don’t you?”

Anger. That was definitely anger.

“Sheesh, sorry!” Jared’s hands flew up in surrender. 

“Don’t-”

“Tell Evan? Come on. Even I’m not that much of an asshole.”

 

**Saturday, March 10, 2018 7:30 PM**

He hadn’t planned to kiss Evan. It wasn’t like he woke up that morning and decided that this was the day he was going to throw caution to the wind and kiss his best friend.

Because that was what Evan was. His best friend. His first friend. His favorite person in the world, excluding his family. 

Possibly including his family.

He wasn’t sure what made him do it. He was nearly as surprised as Evan was when it happened, which was really saying something since Evan was clearly shocked by the turn of events.

Neither of them knew what they were doing. That much was obvious. 

Connor couldn’t help laughing as they pulled apart. It was a relief to see that Evan was laughing too.

It was a relief to realize that at some point during the kiss, Evan had kissed him back.

The microwave beeped and it scared the crap out of Connor. He jumped and shook his head and smirked when he saw that Evan was gripping the counter too.

“Was that…” Connor’s shoulders shook as he took a breath.

He studied Evan’s face. He looked for signs of horror, of terror or confusion or anger. There were none.

Evan looked strangely calm. Wonderfully calm. Like this wasn’t a catastrophe. Like Connor hadn’t just ruined everything by giving into the feelings he’d been trying to suppress.

“Was that okay?”

Evan was silent for a moment. An incredibly long moment. Connor could feel the bile rising in his throat. Had he misinterpreted Evan’s expression? Had he misinterpreted everything? Had he-

“I don’t know,” Evan grinned. It was the most contagious grin Connor had ever seen. “Maybe we should try again…”

 

**Saturday, March 10, 2018 8:00 PM**

Evan leaned against the armrest while he tried to calm himself down. He could feel Connor watching him, but he refused to focus on anything other than his hands and his breathing.

Because breathing was important. Breathing was crucial. If he looked at Connor, he had a feeling it would take a while for him to catch his breath.

“Your phone’s ringing.” 

Evan cringed at how shaky his voice sounded. He looked up and snorted when he saw the amusement on Connor’s face.

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

“It keeps ringing,” Evan pointed out. “Someone’s trying really hard to get in touch with you.”

Connor frowned as he unlocked his phone. “It was Zoe… She called me three times.”

Evan closed his eyes while Connor called Zoe back. His heartbeat was returning to normal and his mind felt strangely blank. He didn’t think he could concentrate on anything if he tried.

“I have to go,” Connor said as he disconnected the call.

“Oh,” Evan nodded. 

“I, um, I don’t want to, but…” Connor sheepishly ran a hand through his hair. “Zoe needs me to come get her. She got in a fight with Jared and he left.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he just took off. Left her stranded at the mall.”

“That’s-”

Evan inhaled sharply through his nose as Connor kissed him again. This was different from their previous kisses. It wasn’t awkward or intense or all-consuming. It was gentle, almost hesitant.

“Don’t…” Connor stopped himself with a shake of his head. “Is it okay if I come over tomorrow?”

Evan blinked in confusion. “Yeah… Of-of course.”

“I’ll be here around one.” Connor smiled faintly as he stood up to go. “If you talk to Jared, tell him he’s a dead man walking.”

 

**Saturday, March 10, 2018 9:00 PM**

“Is Connor still here?”

“Hello to you too,” Evan rolled his eyes as he opened the door for Jared.

“Sorry. It’s just if he’s here, then I should…”

“He left a while ago,” Evan informed him. “He went to get Zoe.”

“He went to…” Jared squeezed his eyes shut and collapsed on the couch. “He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?”

“I believe he used the words ‘dead man walking’ to describe you.”

“Shit. This is bad. This is so, so bad. How did I mess everything up this badly?”

“What happened?”

“Zoe and I…” Jared sighed and shook his head. “We…”

“Connor said you got in a fight?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded. “We ran into this guy Gavin and he… I don’t know. It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid, but I got this vibe from him. I asked her about it when he left and she told me they went out a few times last year.”

Evan’s face scrunched up as he watched Jared kick the bottom of the sofa repeatedly. “So…”

“So, I don’t know. It happened so fast. I don’t even know what I said. I really don’t. I just… She got mad and said she wasn’t going to get in the car with me if I kept acting like a baby.”

“So, you left her?”

“So, I tried to convince her to get in and then, yeah, okay, I left. I drove around the parking lot. She was gone when I came back. I called her, like, ten times and she didn’t answer.” Jared’s eyes widened as a thought occurred to him. “I should’ve had her paged. I should’ve gone into the mall and had her paged.”

“Did you text her? Tell her you’re sorry?”

“Yeah, of course, I did,” Jared scoffed. “She hasn’t replied.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Yeah, me too. I can’t believe I blew this,” Jared huffed. His eyes narrowed as he leaned forward to examine something on Evan’s neck. “Hold up. What’s that?”

Evan instinctively scooted backwards. “What’s what?”

“Is that a…” Jared’s whole face lit up as he started to laugh. “Oh my God. Did it finally happen?”

“Did what finally happen?”

“Oh, come on. You can’t be this clueless. You and Connor. You guys finally…” Jared wiggled his eyebrows and smirked knowingly.

“We kind of made out a bit, I guess…” Evan could feel his cheeks heating up as Jared’s laughter grew louder. “What do you mean finally?”

“I’m happy for you, man. Really.” Jared grinned. “It’s about time.”

“Thanks?” Evan muttered.

“You might want to put something on that hickey before your mom gets home,” Jared suggested. 

“Is it that bad?” Evan frantically felt around his neck. 

“I always knew Connor would be into some weird vampire shit,” Jared chuckled. “Hey, do you think you can use this new development to help me out? Tell him he can’t suck on your neck unless he promises not to murder me?”

Evan could tell that somewhere underneath his bravado, Jared was genuinely worried about how Connor was going to react. It was enough to make him feel sorry for his friend and to think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to remind Connor that Zoe was more than capable of fighting her own battles.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Evan promised.

 

**Sunday, March 11, 2018 9:30 AM**

The turtleneck had been a mistake. Evan knew that as soon as he walked in the kitchen and saw the look on his mother’s face. He self-consciously tugged at his sleeves as he sat down at the table.

“That’s a new look for you,” Heidi said. Evan didn’t think he was imagining the amusement in her tone. “Where’d you get it?”

“I don’t know,” Evan mumbled. “It was, um, it was in my drawer. I just…”

“I think my mother sent it to you a couple Christmases ago,” Heidi said thoughtfully. “The year she sent us all those clothes she got at the thrift shop.”

“Yeah, that’s probably where it came from,” Evan nodded eagerly.

“So, how does it feel to be an adult?” Heidi wondered. She took a sip of her coffee and casually observed her son. “Did you have a good birthday? I’m sorry I had to rush out like that.”

“It’s okay. I, uh, I know they needed you at the hospital,” Evan assured her. “But, yeah, it was a good birthday, I guess. Eighteen doesn’t really feel that different from seventeen though.”

“Except now you can buy lottery tickets.”

“Except that.” Evan took a breath and met her stare. “Hey, Mom?”

“Hey, Evan?”

He shut his eyes as he decided how to tell her. He had to tell her. He knew that. He had a feeling she was already onto him. Onto them. This was just a band-aid he needed to pull off. He would feel better when it was done. They both would.

“You know how you asked me about, um, about Connor?”

“Yes…” Heidi smiled patiently. “I think I remember that conversation.” 

“Yeah, okay, so nothing had happened then, but, um…”

“Something happened last night?”

Evan nodded mutely. He started when he felt his mother squeeze his hand.

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah…” Evan whispered shakily.

“Does he make you happy?”

“What?”

“Connor. Does he-”

“I-I guess. I mean, yeah. He, uh…” Evan absentmindedly scratched his neck.

“Okay,” Heidi nodded. “Then, that’s all that matters to me. If you’re going to be with someone, then I want it to be someone who makes you happy, who treats you with respect, who truly cares about you. And, from what I’ve seen, Connor definitely qualifies.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. He stared at his hands and watched as they tapped the placemat.

“I just have one rule,” Heidi continued. She grinned when Evan glanced up in alarm. “I think this rule stands when you’re at Connor’s house too. Cynthia and I have talked about this a lot and we decided that we don’t care if you continue having your sleepovers. I think she sees you as a sort of human teddy bear for her son. She keeps saying he doesn’t sleep right when you’re not there.”

If his cheeks weren’t already red, that comment would’ve done him in. Evan rested his chin on his hands and cautiously eyed his mother. “So, the rule is what, exactly?”

“The rule is that you have to keep it PG when I’m around.”

“Mom!” 

“Evan, I’m serious. There are some things that a mother never wants to have to see or hear her son doing.”

“Mom, that’s really not-We just started-It’s not like…” The words tumbled out of Evan so quickly that he didn’t think they made sense. His thoughts weren’t even finished in his mind.

“PG, Evan. That’s all I ask.”

“PG,” Evan finally agreed.

“Now, then,” Heidi said. “I have a couple hours until my study group gets here. Do you want to go have breakfast at Louie’s?”

“Sure,” Evan nodded. His eyes widened as he remembered something. “Um, Connor’s coming over around one. Is that okay?” He grimaced when he saw the spark in her eyes. “We’ll keep it PG, I promise!”

“I was going to say you’ll have to stay upstairs,” Heidi laughed. “But, I’m glad to hear it.”

 

**Sunday, March 11, 2018 12:55 PM**

Evan hovered in the doorway when he got back to his room. Apparently, Connor had arrived and been sent upstairs at some point during the two minutes he’d been in the bathroom. Evan cleared his throat and tried to wrap his mind around the idea that Connor was in his room. His heart began to pound when he saw what Connor was looking at. 

“Um, that’s…” He laughed because… Because what else could he do? It was funny in a humiliating kind of way. “That’s exactly what it looks like.”

Connor carefully closed the binder. “Jared told me your mom made this for you when you were twelve. That’s… I can’t imagine either of my parents doing something like this.”

“She, um… My mom… I don’t know. I think she knew she wouldn’t be around a lot, so she wanted to make sure I had something to answer any questions I might have. Not that I would’ve actually asked her if I did have any questions, but… I don’t know. It made her feel better to think that I had something other than Google to explain things.”

“That was considerate of her,” Connor remarked.

“That’s one way of looking at it,” Evan muttered. 

Silence fell over them as they took turns looking around the room. Evan’s hands twitched against his sides as he debated where to sit. It felt weird to sit on his bed just then. That seemed too… Something. He wasn’t sure what. He thought about sitting at his desk, but that would mean that Connor had to keep standing. 

Evan finally decided to sit on the floor by his bed. He leaned back against the frame and watched as Connor slid down next to him.

“Nice turtleneck,” Connor smirked.

“Thanks…” Evan grumbled. He caught Connor’s eye and quickly looked away. 

“Okay, so, on a scale from one to ten, how much would you say you’re freaking out about this?”

“What?”

“It’s fine,” Connor shrugged. “I just want to know what I’m up against.”

“Um… Zero?”

“Zero?” Connor asked skeptically.

“Well, yeah… I mean, it was zero, but now I’m thinking it should be higher because you seem kind of freaked and if you’re freaked, then I definitely should be. You’re regretting it, aren’t you? That’s-It’s fine. Totally, completely fine. When I said zero, I just meant that I wasn’t freaking out, not that we have to-”

Kissing someone to make them shut up was kind of a cliché, but for a reason. A very good reason, Evan decided. It was effective. It made him forget what he was panicking about. It made him stop wishing that he would get sucked into a hole in the ground.

“Huh,” Evan gasped when Connor finally let go of him. 

“I’m not regretting it.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“You thought I…” Connor shook his head in amazement. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

“You have?”

“You didn’t notice?” Connor laughed.

“No…” Evan frowned and rested his chin on his knees. “How long is a long time?”

“Since New Year’s. Maybe longer. I’m not sure. New Year’s was the first time I actually thought about it.”

“Oh.”

“So, yeah, really not regretting it.”

“Are you, uh-” Evan inhaled sharply as he tried to figure out how to formulate his question. “Is it weird or rude or… I don’t know. Is it rude if I ask you if you’re gay?” He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Not that it matters. Obviously, it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be sitting here if it mattered. I’m just curious, I guess.”

Connor gave him a quick smile before looking away. “I don’t know what I am, to be honest. I’ve never… It’s never mattered before. Dating, relationships, all that crap… It wasn’t something that had anything to do with me. Don’t get me wrong, I noticed when I found someone attractive. There’ve been a number of images that I’ve… You’ve seen the, uh…”

“The, um, the stuff under your bed?” Evan laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, I’ve seen a couple things under there.”

“Yeah, so, I’ve experimented some and there are things that work for me in theory, but I don’t know. I never really felt the need to label myself because I didn’t see the point. I never felt the need to actually do anything with anyone else. To be with anyone else. Until now. Until you.”

Evan was quiet for a moment while he let himself digest what Connor had said. “You want to be with me?”

“You picked up on that, did you?” Connor rolled his eyes and bumped their shoulders together. “If you’re in, then I’m in.”

Evan didn’t need to think about it. He’d thought about it some the night before, but hadn’t spent nearly as much time obsessing about it as he would’ve expected. He liked Connor. He liked being around Connor. He sometimes felt like he wanted to be around Connor all the time.

He liked kissing Connor. That was… Not a bad thought. It wasn’t as confusing as he thought it should be. It meant something, but it wasn’t everything. It didn’t define him. It only defined how he felt about Connor. 

“I’m in,” Evan grinned.


	9. March, part 2

**Monday, March 12, 2018 7:20 AM**

Evan buried his head in his arms as soon as he sat down. It hadn’t been a bad morning, exactly. Just a bit unsettling. First, he’d overslept because he’d forgotten to set the alarm on his phone. Then, his mother had offered to teach him how to use make-up to cover the marks on his neck. He’d refused to let her because he felt like that would draw more attention to them. He had a feeling he’d spend the whole day picking at his neck and worrying that the make-up was running or staining his shirt.

There was also the fact that he hadn’t thought anyone would notice the hickeys. Or, rather, that the only people who would notice already knew about them, so there was no point in covering them up.

He hadn’t planned on being ambushed by Alana the second he got to his locker. Alana had wanted to talk to him about the internship Ms. Thomas had mentioned. Alana was planning to go for it and had been excited to hear that Evan might take it too. She’d gone on and on about how great it would be to work with someone she already knew before suddenly stopping and staring at Evan’s neck.

Evan had instinctively covered the marks with his hand and mumbled something about tripping and landing on his mother’s curling iron. 

He hadn’t had to look at Alana to know that she hadn’t bought that for a second.

Alana had quickly excused herself after that. She was standing across the hall, whispering and giggling with Tracy, when Evan finally found the courage to look up again.

It wasn’t that embarrassing, really. Jared had proudly displayed the marks Zoe left on him. He’d been insufferable about it, to the point where Zoe had gotten annoyed and Connor had looked like he wanted to rip Jared’s head off.

The problem was that Evan wasn’t sure if Connor would be okay with their relationship being public knowledge. He wasn’t even sure exactly what their relationship was now. They’d said they were both “in” and then they’d made out for a while before deciding to watch a show on Netflix… and make out while watching a show on Netflix.

He thought it was safe to say that they had just about mastered that part of their relationship. He also thought it was safe to say they were definitely in a relationship. They were together. He just wasn’t sure if they were together in public. If they were together in the traditional sense or… Nothing about them was traditional. He knew that for a fact.

He hadn’t told Connor that Jared knew about them. He also hadn’t mentioned telling his mother, but he had a feeling Connor knew she knew. While his mother hadn’t come out and said anything, it had been pretty clear she knew something was up between them.

Connor hadn’t seemed to mind. He’d been nice to her when they ate dinner together. He’d smiled politely when she’d mentioned the fact that she’d been talking to his mother a lot recently.

That was something Evan was dying to talk to Connor about. It was a bit unnerving to think about their mothers talking about them. He couldn’t stop wondering if Connor knew what they were saying. He wondered if-

“Are you okay?”

Evan pulled himself up when he heard Connor’s voice. “What?”

“You were…” Connor’s face was blank as he stared at Evan. “You’re not…”

“Not what?”

“You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

“About us?” Evan cringed when he realized how loud his voice had been, especially when he compared it to Connor’s. 

“Are you?” Connor demanded.

“No!” Evan shook his head adamantly. 

“Okay,” Connor sighed. “Then, what-”

“Did you tell Zoe about us?” Evan felt sick when he saw the look on Connor’s face. “Not because I-because I used to… I just… Jared knows and my mom knows, which means that your mom probably knows too. They’ve been talking. Did you know they’ve been talking?”

“You told your mom and Jared?”

“Yeah, well, kind of. I told my mom because… They-they guessed and I just… I just confirmed it.”

“So-”

“So, I just thought you should know that people know because I wasn’t sure if you wanted people to know.”

“I told my family yesterday.”

“You did?”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged. “They already knew something was up, so… And I would’ve told Zoe on Saturday, but I didn’t want her to feel like I was rubbing it in her face while she was mad at Jared.”

“Oh.”

“And you do realize we’re not the only ones in here, don’t you?”

Evan glanced around quickly. None of the students near them seemed like they were paying attention to their conversation, but…

“Jared said half the school thinks we’ve been together for months,” Evan said quietly. He couldn’t help smiling at the thought, even though he knew it was an exaggeration. He didn’t think even a quarter of the school knew he existed. Not even an eighth, if he was being totally honest.

“Only half?” Connor smirked. “The rest of them must not have seen how I get around you then.”

Evan could feel himself blushing as he idly scratched his neck. Apparently, mushy comments were part of their relationship now.

He thought he could live with that.

 

**Saturday, March 17, 2018 11:45 PM**

Connor tried to mask his disappointment when the door opened and Evan’s mom let him in. He glanced over his shoulder to watch as she waved to his family. 

“Rough night?”

His eyes narrowed as he stared at Mrs. Hansen. He knew she was trying to be nice, he could practically see the sympathy oozing out of her, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk. 

“Evan’s expecting you.”

Connor nodded slightly and headed upstairs without saying a word.

“Hey,” Evan whispered as Connor let himself into his room.

“Hey,” Connor mumbled. He dropped his bag on the floor and perched on the edge of the bed.

“I, uh, I thought this was a spur of the moment thing.” Evan nodded at the bag.

“Yeah, me too,” Connor shrugged. “My mom came prepared. She thought I might want to stay here tonight.”

“Was it that bad?”

Connor shrugged again. “Not really. Just the usual. You know, the stares, the questions, the snide comments when they think I’m not listening.”

“Was Josh there?”

Connor shook his head. 

“So, it could’ve been worse then?”

“Could’ve been worse,” Connor agreed. “I should’ve brought you with us. I thought about it, but I didn’t think you’d want to go.”

“I would’ve gone if you’d asked. If it was important to you, I would’ve made myself go.”

“It would’ve been easier with you there.”

Evan grinned as he noticed something. “You’re not wearing green.”

“What?”

“You went to a St. Patrick’s Day party and you’re not wearing green.”

“I’m wearing green socks.” Connor laughed when he caught Evan’s eye.

“Okay, that’s kind of adorable.”

“Only kind of?”

Evan rolled his eyes and shoved Connor’s arm. “Go get changed so we can go to bed.” He shook his head when he saw the glint in Connor’s eye. “Go to sleep. I meant you should put on your pajamas so we can go to sleep… or watch a movie. I’m not really tired yet.”

“Is your mom okay with us sharing?”

“I think so. As long as we don’t… She told me we have to keep it PG when she’s home.”

Connor nodded vaguely. His mother had said something along those lines to him too. He didn’t think it would be a hard rule for them to follow. He had a feeling it would take them a while to be comfortable doing anything that violated that guideline.

“Our mothers really are talking to each other, aren’t they?”

Evan’s eyes widened as he took a breath. “Yeah. They really are. After you called me tonight, I asked my mom if it was okay for you to sleep over and she said your mom had already talked to her about it. This morning. A full twelve hours before you decided you wanted to come here.”

“That’s kind of terrifying.”

“It really is,” Evan agreed.

 

**Monday, March 19, 2018 11:55 AM**

Zoe felt like she was acting out a scene from a movie, and not the good kind. The awkward kind. The kind where the loser girl with no friends winds up standing in the middle of the cafeteria because she has nowhere to sit.

She was even clutching a tray of food because she’d forgotten her lunch.

She could feel her heart do a flip when she made eye contact with Jared. She quickly turned around and looked in the opposite direction. This wasn’t the first time she’d seen Jared since their fight. They were in the same French class and it was such a small class that there was no avoiding him there. She still had to work with him whenever Madame Reid told them to partner up. She’d successfully managed to keep things professional, so to speak, every time that had happened though.

She didn’t want to talk to Jared. No matter how many times he reached out to her, she still couldn’t bring herself to talk to him.

She had a feeling Dr. Weinstein would have a lot to say about that when they met later that week.

Zoe spotted an empty seat at a table by the door. She recognized two of the girls sitting there and decided that was as good a spot as any. 

She could feel a prickling sensation spreading through her as she made her way to the table. She was starting to understand why Evan hated the cafeteria so much. She’d managed to avoid it the week before by eating lunch in an empty rehearsal room every day. That had actually been fairly pleasant. She’d brought her guitar and strummed it while she nibbled on her sandwich.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option this week since the glee club had a concert coming up and they’d claimed every rehearsal space they could get their hands on.

She’d considered joining her brother and Evan outside, but she didn’t think she could stomach being around them just then. She was happy they’d finally figured things out. She hadn’t seen much of them since they’d officially gotten together, but she knew them well enough to know that they were either an incredibly awkward or disgustingly adorable couple.

She wasn’t sure which scenario would be harder for her to watch.

The girls Zoe recognized got up and left before she reached their table. Zoe shut her eyes and took a breath. This was getting ridiculous. She felt like everyone was staring at her. She knew that wasn’t the case. The cafeteria was way too crowded and people were way too busy to pay attention to what she was doing.

Knowing that didn’t make her feel any better though. 

She found herself considering the possibility of dumping her tray and heading to the library when she felt someone tap her arm.

“Hey, Zoe!” Jenny beamed when she turned around. “We have a seat at our table if you want to…”

Jenny nodded at the table that Zoe had been sitting at until her fight with Nicole.

“You know, you’re always welcome to sit with us,” Jenny continued.

Zoe’s eyes widened as she scanned the table. “Where’s Nicole?”

“Her schedule changed this quarter because of her, um, her English grade,” Jenny told her. “She has a later lunch now.”

“Oh,” Zoe nodded. She had noticed that Nicole wasn’t in some of her classes that term, but hadn’t felt comfortable asking about it. She wasn’t sure she cared enough to ask about it. They’d only spoken a few times since their conversation in the bathroom after mid-terms and each of those encounters had been very brief and stiff. 

“Yeah,” Jenny shrugged. “So, you want to join us?”

Zoe considered her options. It was a simple question with a complicated answer. Sitting with Jenny and Maya would save her from her current situation, but it also opened a door she wasn’t sure she wanted to go through again. A door she wasn’t sure she even wanted to be available to her.

“Sure,” Zoe decided quietly. “Just for today though. I promised my brother I’d eat with him tomorrow.”

 

**Saturday, March 24, 2018 4:30 PM**

“Did we break up?”

Zoe closed her laptop and looked up as Jared stepped into the living room. “What’re you doing here?”

“I’m working on a science project with Evan and Connor. They told me to go talk to you because I was driving them crazy.”

“Evan said that?”

“Of course not,” Jared rolled his eyes. “He didn’t argue when Connor said it though.”

Zoe folded her arms across her chest and stared at him. “Okay, so...”

“Did we break up?” Jared asked again. “I’m thinking we did, but we never actually talked about it. I mean, you’ve just kind of… It’s kind of hard to ghost someone when you have to see them every day, isn’t it?”

“I’m not ghosting you.”

“Could’ve fooled me…”

“I just…” Zoe sighed and pushed her hair behind her ears. She hesitated a moment before deciding to follow Dr. Weinstein’s advice and get right to the point. “I thought you were different.”

“Different how?” Jared sat on the stool across from her.

“I thought you liked me for me. The whole thing with Gavin… It made me feel like you see me as your possession. Your trophy, almost. I’ve been with guys like that before. I’ve broken up with guys like that before. It’s one of the reasons I stopped seeing Gavin.”

“That’s not…” Jared shook his head. “And here I was thinking that you should be with someone like Gavin.”

“What?”

“You’re used to being more… More social, I guess? You’re used to having more of a social life than what you have now. What you have with us, with me.”

Zoe breathed in sharply as realization set in. “That’s why you got so upset about your party, isn’t it? You thought I was trying to change you?”

“Well, yeah, kind of. I kept thinking I-slash-we weren’t enough for you anymore.”

“You should’ve told me! You should’ve told me what was bothering you.”

“Maybe I would have if you hadn’t disappeared on me!”

“You left me. You drove off and-”

“I came back,” Jared snapped. “I came back, like, a minute later and you were gone.” 

“It must’ve been more than a minute because-”

“Okay, fine. It was probably more than a minute. I didn’t time it or anything… I did come back though.” Jared took a breath and stared at his hands. “And, for the record, I do like you for you.”

“Well, I like you for you and I don’t care about the rest of it. If I want to be more social, then I’ll be more social and you can tag along if you want.”

Jared looked up cautiously. “If I want? Does this mean we’re back together?”

“We were never broken up. We were just on a break.”

“Oh, don’t quote _Friends_ at me!”

“Okay, I kind of love that you got that reference,” Zoe laughed. 

Jared smiled and stood up. “Yeah, well I better get back. Those two will start making out if I’m gone too long and then we’ll never get anything done… Hey, do you, uh, do you maybe want to do something tonight?”

Zoe smirked as she reached for her laptop. “Sure. Pick me up in an hour?”

“Better make it two,” Jared grimaced. “Evan was still outlining our paper when I left. If Connor’s distracted him, this might take a while.”

 

**Saturday, March 31, 2018 2:30 AM**

Connor turned on his heel when he saw there was a light on in the kitchen. Unfortunately for him, he was only able to take two steps towards the stairs before Evan’s mother noticed he was there.

“Did you need something, Connor?” Heidi asked as he reluctantly crept back into the room. She chuckled when she saw the look on his face. “It’s fine. I knew you were here. Evan texted me a couple hours ago.”

“Oh,” Connor nodded. “Water. I just, uh…”

“Help yourself.” Heidi blinked and rubbed her forehead. “I should go to sleep. It’s late and I’m tired and I really shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine. I’m such a lightweight these days. I never used to be.”

Connor kept his eyes on the sink as he filled his glass. He was suddenly struck by the idea that this must be what it was like to be Evan. To want to say something, but to find it impossible to find the words to do just that.

“It’s just this paper has to be submitted by noon,” Heidi continued. “It’s my own fault. I’ve been putting it off for weeks. I thought I could work on it tonight, but Natalie just got engaged and we all… They included me. It was nice. She wanted to go out with the girls and, apparently, I am one of the girls.”

Connor looked over his shoulder as he sipped his water. It wasn’t hard for him to see how pleased she was by that concept.

“It’s been such a saga, Natalie’s relationship with Trevor. There’s been so much drama that I’ll be shocked if they actually make it down the aisle. She’s happy though… For now, at least.”

Heidi shook her head and eyed the mug in front of her. “You know, I’m thinking the coffee was my real mistake tonight. I’m never going to fall asleep at this rate.” She smiled faintly as she glanced at Connor. “I was planning to make chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. Your mom said they’re your favorite. I doubt I’ll be up in time now though. The ingredients are in the fridge, if you want to make them yourself.”

“She told you that?” Connor wanted to cringe when he heard his tone. He hadn’t meant for it to come out as an accusation, but he wasn’t surprised when it did.

“She did,” Heidi confirmed. She tilted her head as she studied his expression. “And, yes, we do talk about you two. How could we not? We’re mothers. We worry. I know this past year hasn’t been easy for you… for either of you.”

Connor downed the rest of his water and put the glass in the sink. His eyes widened when he looked up and found her standing next to him.

“I just… It’s probably the wine or the coffee or the fact that I haven’t slept in over 24 hours, but… Thank you. Thank you for being there for Evan, for seeing him, for-for helping him realize that he’s important, that he matters.”

Connor awkwardly reached out to pat her back as she pulled him towards her. Part of him was dying to tell Evan about how his mother had drunkenly hugged him. The other part thought the whole thing was way too embarrassing to bring up.

He bolted for the door as soon as she let go of him. She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that he was fleeing. In fact, she seemed like it would take quite a lot to bother her at that moment.

“You’re welcome,” Connor mumbled as he finally turned to go.


	10. April

**Sunday, April 1, 2018 5:30 PM**

Evan’s eyes flickered from his phone to the table and back again. His hands twitched in his lap as he tried to swallow. It had been two hours since he’d heard from Connor. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his gut.

They’d been texting each other all day while Connor endured his family’s Easter celebration. Connor had done most of the texting. He’d kept up a running commentary on everything he'd seen and heard. It had gotten to the point where Zoe had sent Evan a text asking him to tell her brother to put his phone away.

That hadn’t stopped Connor though. It had barely slowed him down. 

“Why aren’t you ready?” Heidi demanded as she finished putting her jacket on. 

“I think there’s something wrong with my phone,” Evan told his mother. “Can you try texting me?”

Heidi looked at him quizzically before pulling out her phone and composing a text.

Evan’s phone buzzed almost immediately.

He bit his lip and glanced at the stack of envelopes again. It had been a mistake to mention them to Connor. He didn’t know what he had been thinking. He knew college was a touchy subject for Connor. He knew it wasn’t something that could just be brought up casually.

He’d barely said anything about it, really. He reread his text to be sure and was relieved to see that he hadn’t said something wrong. At least, he didn’t think he had. He was almost certain he hadn’t. He’d simply told Connor that he was finally going to sit down with his mother and open his acceptance letters.

Connor knew they’d been piling up. He knew this was coming. Evan had explained how his mother had been holding onto them for weeks. He’d explained how they’d decided to reduce Evan’s stress levels by having her hang onto the responses until they were all in. 

That was why Evan hadn’t looked at the mail in over a month. It was why they had set up an email account just for the admissions process. An account that Evan could only access if his mother put in the password. 

The last college had finally gotten back to him the day before.

They’d gone through the envelopes quickly. Evan couldn’t handle the suspense once they were actually in front of him. 

He’d gotten into four schools. Four out of five. Not bad, he thought, especially since he’d already decided he didn’t want to go to the fifth one.

All four schools were within three hours of his house. They’d all offered him a scholarship of some kind. They all had decent science programs, though none of them really stood out to him in that sense. They were all roughly the same size. He hadn’t actually visited any of them, so he wasn’t sure how he felt about their campuses.

It all felt so overwhelming that Evan wasn’t sure how he was going to make a decision. His mother had already started a pro/con list for each of the schools, but Evan couldn’t even bring himself to look at those yet.

“Come on, sweetie,” Heidi said impatiently. She picked up the letters and put them in a basket on the shelf. “Maggie’s expecting us to be there by six.”

Evan glanced at his phone one more time before setting off to find his shoes.

 

**Saturday, April 7, 2018 9:00 PM**

“Okay, let’s make this quick,” Alice hissed as she sat down next to Alicia. “I told the twins I’d come read them a story in a minute.”

“You can’t rush a war council,” Alan reminded her. “We’re all here to help Lanie make her choice.”

“She has a month, doesn’t she?” Alice snapped. “That’s plenty of time.”

“I can’t believe you got into all these schools.” Alicia shook her head as she flipped through the stack of acceptance letters. “This one’s in California. You’re not planning to go there, are you?”

“I don’t know,” Alana shrugged. “I might.”

“You want to move across the country?” Alan demanded. “I thought you wanted to go to my school.”

Alana absentmindedly picked at her nails while her siblings took turns looking at her letters.

The truth of the matter was that she wasn’t sure she really wanted to move that far away. It was tempting though. She liked to think about how it would feel to start over. To go to school where no one knew her, where no one saw her as the youngest Beck sibling, Tracy’s annoying friend, the girl who was always into everything.

“I don’t know,” Alana said softly. “I’m still weighing my options.”

 

**Saturday, April 14, 2018 8:00 PM**

“But, at the same time, they do have the best meal plans,” Jared said. “That counts for something, right?”

“For you, that’s everything,” Zoe smirked.

Evan swallowed his laughter when he saw the look on Connor’s face. “Hey, did we decide what movie we’re watching? Or, you know, I think there’s a new season of-”

“My mom keeps saying Evan and I should both go there,” Jared went on. “Personally, I think she’s just hoping to get a picture of the two of us on our first day of college, so she can put it in a frame with the one from our first day of kindergarten.”

Evan shut his eyes as Connor stood up and left the room without saying a word.

“Jared…” Evan whispered. 

“What?” Jared blinked around the room in confusion.

“Okay, movie time,” Zoe cut in quickly. “What’re we watching?”

Evan stared in the direction that Connor had gone. He knew he should find him, but he didn’t feel like it just then. He didn’t feel like dealing with the sulky silence that came over Connor every time someone brought up the subject of college.

“Something funny,” Evan decided.

 

**Saturday, April 21, 2018 5:00 PM**

Connor frowned as he watched Evan stick his phone back in his pocket. “Why do you look so guilty?”

“What?” 

“I left the room for a minute and you… Why do you look so guilty?”

“What are you implying?” Evan met his stare and sighed. “I just got another email from my dad. He, um, he…”

“He has an opinion about where you should go next year.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. His eyes narrowed as he looked at Connor again. “I don’t get it. I know you don’t like talking about it, but this is important. Everyone’s given me their opinion except for you and Zoe, but I’m guessing that’s because you told her not to.”

“I don’t have an opinion,” Connor shrugged.

“Of course, you do,” Evan insisted.

“You can’t make this decision based on what I think.”

“Who said I was going to base it on what you say? I just-”

“Suppose we break up?”

“What?”

Connor looked down when he saw the color draining from Evan’s face. “Let’s just say we-”

“You want to break up?”

“That’s not what I said,” Connor snapped. His teeth clenched together when he heard his tone. “I’m just saying you shouldn’t-”

“Hey, I’m running to the store for Mom. Do you need anything?” Zoe’s eyes widened as she looked at the two of them. She turned to leave before she’d fully entered the room. “Jeez, sorry. I’ll just-”

“Can you take me home?” Evan asked quietly.

Zoe blinked rapidly as she fiddled with her keys. “Um, yeah, sure, if-if you want.”

Evan nodded and grabbed his backpack. He hurried out the door without so much as a backwards glance.

Connor could feel Zoe watching him. He knew she was dying to ask if he was okay, to demand an explanation for what she had just witnessed. 

He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on to show her how pointless that would be.

 

_Saturday, April 21, 2018 5:20 PM_  
_To: Evan Hansen_  
_From: Connor Murphy_  
_Re: (No Subject)_

_I don’t want to break up with you. I want to make sure that’s clear._

_That’s not what this is about. Not even a little bit._

_I just don’t want to feel like you’re basing your decision on what I say. I couldn’t live with myself if you did._

_Because you have choices. You have actual choices._

_I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying that you compromised yourself or your future because of something I said._

_You would regret it if we break up. I would regret it if we stay together._

_You have to make this decision on your own._

 

**Monday, April 23, 2018 7:20 AM**

“But, what if I want to hear your opinion?”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut as he sat down. He hadn’t even been able to take his seat before Evan started interrogating him.

“Not because your opinion will be the deciding factor,” Evan continued. “I just want to know what you think.”

Connor forced his face to stay as blank as possible. “Sucks to be you then, doesn’t it?”

 

**Saturday, April 28, 2018 2:30 PM**

“You made your choice?”

Evan jumped when he heard Connor behind him. “Wow. That was fast. I just texted you, like, two minutes ago.”

Connor shook his head as he plopped down on the couch. “More like twenty minutes ago.”

“What? No.” Evan made a face as he reached for his phone. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the time. 

“So, that site you were looking at…” Connor said cautiously. “Is that where you’re going?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. 

Connor stared at him for a moment before exhaling loudly. “You talked to Zoe, didn’t you?”

“What?”

“She told you. She told you where I’m…” Connor stopped speaking and shook his head.

“Where you’re what?” Evan leaned forward to squint at him. “You said you were going to community college. You said-”

“I lied.”

“You…” Evan rolled his eyes and sank back into the cushions. “I didn’t talk to Zoe.”

“Then, you guessed or-or you chose that one because it’s the closest to-”

“It isn’t the closest. It’s the second closest. Maybe even the third. You know how bad the roads are up there.”

“It’s not a good school.”

“It’s a perfectly good school.”

“They let me in,” Connor argued. “How good can they be?”

“They have a decent science department. And they offered me a really good scholarship. I mean, really good. It’s definitely the best offer I got.”

Connor was silent for a moment. “You’re sure they have a good science department? Have you actually looked into it?”

“Ms. Thomas told me they do. She knows a couple of the professors there. She said she thinks I’d like them.”

Evan’s heart began to pound as he waited for Connor to respond. “I haven’t sent in the deposit yet, so I can still pick something else if you don’t… if you don’t want to go to the same school.”

“Are you crazy?” Connor exclaimed.

“What?”

“Of course, I want to go to the same school as you. Why do you think I… It was killing me, not telling you. I wanted to scream at you to pick that one.”

Evan smiled and opened his laptop again. “Did you see they have a Quidditch club?”

“Don’t tell me you want to join that.”

“Not join… We have to watch them play though.” Evan laughed to himself as he scrolled down the page. “Jared’s all excited about the fact that his school offers a class on science fiction. He’s convinced he can get credit for watching Star Wars.”

“You think his mom will be disappointed you’re not going to the same school as him?”

“Maybe, but I was thinking about it and our schools are only a couple miles apart. We can probably work something out so she can get her picture, if she really wants it.”

“Oh.”

“Except, this one will be even better because you’ll be in it.”

“Nice save…”

“Thanks,” Evan beamed.


	11. May

**Saturday, May 5, 2018 6:30 PM**

“My mom’s making Henry take me for a fitting tomorrow,” Jared moaned. His face scrunched up as he reread his mother’s text. “You guys want to tag along?”

“What?” Evan sat up straight and stared at Jared like he’d just asked if they wanted to shave their heads.

“To the fitting. You can get your suits too.”

Evan’s heart began to pound as he redirected his gaze towards the floor. He felt like his mind was spinning too rapidly for him to process anything. 

“We have to go,” Zoe announced. “We’re meeting Jenny and Brandon for dinner.” 

Jared made a face and stood up as well. “Remind me again why we’re doing this. I thought you didn’t like Jenny.”

“I like Jenny just fine,” Zoe said shortly. “It’ll be fun. You’ll like Brandon. He’s actually pretty nice.”

“Pretty nice? That doesn’t sound very promising.”

Zoe rolled her eyes and pushed him towards the door. “Come on.”

“Have fun!” Evan called after them. He looked up just in time to see Jared give him the middle finger.

“So, uh…” Evan sheepishly grabbed at his neck when he caught Connor watching him. “What do you want to order tonight?”

Connor didn’t say anything for a minute. He sat there, staring at Evan and tapping his knees. “We haven’t talked about prom.”

“No… We, uh, we haven’t…”

“You don’t…”

Evan tilted his head and squinted at Connor. “I don’t what?”

“You don’t want to go, do you?”

“To prom?”

“You don’t, right? I mean…”

Evan could feel the laughter bubbling up inside him when their eyes met. He held it in for a moment before letting it out. 

“Stupid question?” Connor laughed.

“Really stupid,” Evan confirmed.

 

**Sunday, May 13, 2018 1:30 AM**

Jared swallowed uncomfortably as he opened the door again. He was glad the lights were out because he had a feeling his face was turning red.

He didn’t know why he was embarrassed. He was used to seeing them like this. Well, not like this, exactly, but close to it. Evan and Connor were always touching each other. He didn’t think they did it on purpose. Half the time, he didn’t think they even realized they were doing it.

And it wasn’t like this was the first time he’d slept in the same room as them. Though, actually, when he stopped and thought about it, this was the first time he’d crashed at Connor’s since the two of them had gotten together.

Jared felt like cursing when that realization hit him. This had made sense when he first thought of it. Zoe had decided the four of them should host a Mother’s Day brunch at her house. It had just made sense for him to stay over so that they were all there to set it up in the morning. 

“Hey,” Evan whispered sleepily. He lifted his head off Connor’s shoulder and peered down at Jared. “How was prom?”

“Good,” Jared nodded rapidly. “It was good.”

“Good,” Evan yawned. He blinked at the screen in front of him and elbowed Connor. “Are you still watching this? I think I fell asleep.”

Connor mumbled something indecipherable as he swatted at his laptop. Evan nodded knowingly and put it on the nightstand.

Jared looked away when he saw Connor pull Evan towards him.

“Hey,” Jared said suddenly. “Don’t forget I’m in here.”

“What?” Evan asked.

“Don’t forget I’m here tonight. Don’t… You know. Don’t forget I’m here and start doing stuff to each other.”

Jared struggled to keep his face calm as Connor sat up and stared at him. Even in the dark, Jared could tell that Connor was not amused by his words.

“Just go to sleep, Jared.”

“I should’ve brought earplugs,” Jared groaned. “Earplugs and a blindfold… That came out way kinkier than I meant it to.”

“We’re not-” Evan started sharply. “We’re not, um-”

“We’re the ones who could use the earplugs,” Connor snapped. “They’d have to be heavy-duty ones to drown out your snoring.”

Jared folded his arms across his chest and glared at the ceiling. “I will kill you both if you forget I’m down here. I’m serious. I will-”

He didn’t know who threw the pillow at him, but he decided to keep it. Two pillows would be better than one if he had to block out any undesirable noises.

 

**Monday, May 14, 2018 9:25 AM**

Alana stared at her reflection as she concentrated on her breathing. She heard the door swing open and wasn’t surprised when Tracy appeared behind her.

“Just ignore him,” Tracy suggested angrily. “He just wants attention.”

“I know,” Alana said quietly. “It’s just…”

Alana’s hands shook as she leaned against the wall next to the sink. She hated this. She hated feeling like this. She was so upset that she couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what she was feeling. Anger, embarrassment, confusion, some combination of those things.

“It’s not that bad,” Tracy assured her. “The video. It’s not that-”

Tracy stopped speaking as the door opened again. Alana opened her eyes to watch as Zoe cautiously stepped inside.

“Hey,” Zoe greeted softly. “Listen, I’m sorry about Jared. I talked to him and he’s not going to share that video. So, uh, you don’t have to worry about it, okay?”

“Did he delete it?” Tracy asked.

Zoe shook her head. “I’m working on it, but… no, not yet.”

Zoe smiled apologetically as she turned to go. “I liked your dresses, by the way. You guys looked really good.”

Alana didn’t bother responding. She didn’t know why this was bothering her so much. It wasn’t like she was doing anything wrong in the video. She just didn’t like it. She didn’t like watching something that made her see herself in a different light. That made other people see her in a different light.

“Are you okay? The bell’s about to ring, so we should…”

Alana blinked and nodded slightly.

“Okay,” Tracy smiled encouragingly. “Then, let’s go.”

 

**Friday, May 18, 2018 2:50 PM**

“Hey,” Zoe said hoarsely when she finally reached them. She put a hand to her chest as she struggled to catch her breath. “You guys walk really fast…” She looked at Evan expectantly. “You ready?”

Evan’s forehead furrowed as he turned to face her. “For what?”

“To go,” Zoe said slowly.

“Go where?”

Zoe bit her lip as she looked at them. “No one told you?”

“We’re heading back to my house to start studying for finals,” Jared told her. “You want to meet us there?”

“We can’t,” Zoe said sharply. “Evan and I have to go to my house.”

“But-” Jared began. His mouth snapped shut when he saw the look on Zoe’s face. “What’s going on?”

“Your mom was supposed to tell you,” Zoe told Evan. “My mom called her this morning. You’re staying with us this weekend.”

“Wait, hold on,” Jared laughed. “Don’t tell me your moms schedule your sexcapades. That’s-”

“This isn’t funny!” Zoe hissed.

Jared’s laughter cut short as he squinted at her. “What’s going on? Where is Connor today anyway?”

“We have to go,” Zoe whispered. She nudged Evan’s arm and nodded at the door.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jared offered.

Zoe shook her head. “I’ll see you Monday.”

She glanced over her shoulder once as she led Evan outside. She could tell Jared was confused, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about that just then.

“Zoe,” Evan grabbed her arm as soon as they reached the parking lot. “What’s wrong?”

Zoe shut her eyes and took a breath. “It’s been a year.” 

 

**Friday, May 18, 2018 3:15 PM**

Connor’s door was open when he got there. Evan lingered outside a moment before going in. He watched as Zoe loudly greeted her mother, who was ferociously vacuuming the hall. He watched as they both stared at him like he was…

Like he was what exactly? Evan wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what they expected him to do. He just knew it was important. He could tell they expected him to fix things, to make them better.

It was overwhelming to think that. He didn’t know what to expect from Connor. He didn’t know how he’d handle it if things got messy. He was used to dealing with Connor when he was in a bad mood, but he had a feeling this weekend might take him beyond his comfort zone. It was going to be tough. He was sure of that. He felt like he could barely keep himself together half the time. He didn’t know how he could be expected to keep Connor from falling apart. The thought scared him and made him want to go home.

He glanced into the room and caught Connor staring at him. And, just like that, the idea of fleeing vanished as quickly as it had appeared. 

“Thank God you’re here,” Connor said snidely. “Maybe Mom will let me close my door now.”

Evan jumped as the vacuum shut off behind him.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” Cynthia said softly. She was gone by the time Evan went to shut the door.

“So…” Evan began as he sat on the bed next to Connor. “How are you?”

“Better now that you’re here.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“I was fine,” Connor shrugged. “I knew this was coming, but I was fine with it. It’s just… It’s an anniversary. A bad one, but it’s just…”

“Your mom seems tense.”

“She’s freaking out. She just spent 45 minutes vacuuming that same spot.”

“Really?” Evan laughed.

“Before that, she dusted the ceiling and wiped down the walls. I think she was planning to put up a new smoke detector next.”

“I missed you at school today. Since you weren’t there, Jared made me watch all his prom videos.”

“Again?”

“Again,” Evan nodded. “So, what’d you do today?”

“This.” Connor gestured at his bed. “I’ve been in here all day. I was planning to go to school, but my mom wouldn’t let me. It’s like she’s convinced I’ll look at the calendar and decide to pick up where I left off last year.”

Evan stared down at his lap as he picked at his nails.

“She’s the only one thinking that. At least, I think she is. My dad left town yesterday. His friend’s mother died, so he went to the funeral. He seemed fine before he left though. I heard him tell my mom not to make a big deal of this.”

“Zoe seems concerned, but not overly so,” Evan told him.

“That’s what I thought,” Connor sighed. 

“Do you still-” Evan cut himself off and shook his head.

“Do I still what?”

“Nothing.”

“Do I still think about killing myself?” 

Evan scratched his neck nervously. “You don’t, do you?”

Connor shook his head.

“Me neither.”

“Not in the way you’re suggesting, I mean,” Connor clarified. “I’ve been thinking about how I felt last year though. I was talking to Dr. Miller about it the other day. He told me he wants me to make a list of ten things in my life that are…” Connor stopped and rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. I forget how he phrased it, but he basically wants me to list ten ways my life is better now than it was last year.”

“Did you do it?” 

“Not yet. I don’t know if I will. Therapy homework sounds kind of…” Connor paused and made a face.

“You know we met because of therapy homework.”

“That was different.”

“And Dr. Sherman has me writing those letters to myself.”

“They help you. It’s one thing if it helps. It’s another if-”

“You should do it,” Evan insisted. “It’s not a bad idea.”

Connor took a breath and glanced at the door. “You want to get something to eat? I’m starving.”

“Sure,” Evan agreed. “Just let me call my mom first. I want to see if she can bring me some things before her class tonight.”

“She already dropped off a bag for you.”

“She did?” Evan looked around the room quickly.

“Yeah. Some clothes, pajamas, that kind of thing.”

“Where-”

“I put them in a drawer over there.” Connor gestured at his bureau.

“You emptied a drawer for me?”

“It’s nothing,” Connor shrugged. “I hardly had anything in there anyway and it just made sense, you know. You already have a toothbrush here and-”

Evan laughed when he saw the look on Connor’s face as they pulled apart. That hadn’t been the first time he’d initiated a kiss (far from it, really), but he knew it was unusual for him to do it that suddenly.

“I don’t think I can empty a drawer,” Evan said softly.

“Uh, that’s okay. I don’t need-”

“My mom’s always buying those plastic storage boxes though. She keeps talking about using them to get organized, but then she doesn’t. We have, like, twenty of them in the basement. I can probably swipe one for you.”

“That could work.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“Okay,” Connor grinned.

 

**Friday, May 25, 2018 3:30 PM**

“I feel like singing,” Jared beamed.

“Please don’t,” Connor cautioned.

“How’s that song go?” Jared looked around the room wildly. “No more pencils, no more books, no more-”

“Enough already!” Zoe cut in. “I get it. You guys are done with school.”

“We still have finals,” Evan reminded them. 

“Okay, so you’re almost done,” Zoe said. “You don’t have to rub it in.”

“No more classes,” Jared sighed. “No more homework. No more-”

“Can we talk about something else?” Zoe snapped. “Are we doing anything this weekend? We have three days-”

“We only have four days until our science exam,” Jared gasped. He elbowed Evan frantically. “What’re you doing tomorrow?”

“Studying at your house?” Evan said uncertainly.

“Okay,” Jared nodded. “Good. You better come over early so you can explain everything we learned this semester.”

 

**Monday, May 28, 2018 6:00 PM**

Evan closed his eyes while he tried to catch his breath. His heart was racing. In a good way, he thought. 

He could feel Connor watching him. He could feel his cheeks heating up, which just made them even redder, he was sure. 

That had been… Good? Different? Good different? 

They’d pushed the limits of the PG-guideline before, but never that much. 

It was probably a good thing Connor’s parents were still at the block party and Zoe was…

He wasn’t sure where Zoe was. Not there. Not home. He knew that for certain.

So, they really hadn’t broken any rules. 

And, even if the Murphys had been home, they hadn’t… They were still clothed. They just… It had just been more… more intense? Was that it? More intense than usual? There had been more friction, more- 

“How are you thinking that much right now?”

Evan opened his eyes and squinted at Connor. “What?”

“It’s like I can see the wheels turning in your head.”

“I just-”

“Was that not okay?”

“No, I mean, yeah, I mean…” Evan shook his head. “It was good.”

“Okay, so…”

“What brought that on?”

“I finished my list.”

Evan watched as he sat up and grabbed a paper off his nightstand. “Your list? For Dr. Miller?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“You want me to read it?”

“No, I just wanted to wave it in front of your face,” Connor rolled his eyes. “Of course, I want you to read it.”

Evan gingerly accepted the sheet and eyed Connor suspiciously. “Are you going to stare at me while I read it?”

“Maybe…” Connor smirked.

Evan crinkled his nose and began to read.

 

_Ten Reasons This Year Doesn’t Suck As Much As Last Year_

_1\. Evan – For so many reasons I can’t even name them all_  
_2\. Zoe – Because it’s actually kind of awesome to be close to her_  
_3\. Mom – Because she loves me; because she really does want what’s best for me_  
_4\. Dad – Because he’s trying; because I know he means well_  
_5\. Jared – Because he’s actually a decent friend most of the time_  
_6\. Aunt Jamie – Because she’s always there when I need her_  
_7\. Dr. Miller – Because talking to him helps more often than not_  
_8\. School – Because I don’t dread it the way I did last year_  
_9\. The Future – Because I can imagine one now_  
_10\. Evan – Because I could’ve listed him ten times, but will settle for two; because he sees me and cares about me and gets me and makes me feel like I’m not the worst person in the world, even when I know I’m being a total asshole; because he made me realize I was capable of falling in love_

 

Evan sat up when he got to the end of the list. “Did you just-”

He shook his head to clear it. His hands twitched as he studied the list again.

“Admit that I love you in a therapy assignment?” Connor finished.

Evan nodded mutely.

“I thought it was kind of fitting,” Connor muttered. “Cheesy, but-”

“Same,” Evan interrupted. “I mean, I, uh, if I made a list like this, then, um, number ten would be the same… Except it would say ‘Connor’ and not-”

Evan laughed as Connor pinned him down again. He had a feeling it was a good thing the block party wasn’t supposed to end until eight.


	12. Graduation Day

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 1:00 PM**

He didn’t trip when it was his turn. He didn’t trip or fall or drop his diploma.

Okay, so he didn’t quite manage to say the words ‘thank you’ when he got to Mr. Howard, but he smiled. At least, he thought he did. His mouth did something that made the principal smile in return.

He even remembered to pause at the end of the stage and have his picture taken. He was amazed he remembered to do that. He had thought he’d be so desperate to return to his seat that he’d wander off without being given permission to leave.

As he made his way back down the steps, Evan couldn’t help looking out into the audience. He knew he shouldn’t do that because looking at something other than his feet practically invited an accident to happen. He couldn’t seem to help himself though.

He spotted Jared first. Their eyes met and Jared gave him two thumbs up. Evan shook his head as he watched his friend mouth the word ‘smooth.’

It took him a moment to find Connor because his boyfriend was farther back in the queue. He wasn’t surprised to see that Connor was watching him knowingly. Everything about Connor’s expression screamed the words ‘that wasn’t so bad, was it?’ 

Evan didn’t see his mother until he was almost to his seat. She was sitting in the back with the Murphys and the Kleinmans. Even from a distance, he could tell that her eyes were tearing up with pride.

With pride. That was a weird thought.

She looked happy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her look that happy. 

She waved when she caught him watching them. He waved back automatically, without thinking, without realizing that waving drew attention to him.

Without caring when he realized it had.

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 2:00 PM**

The courtyard was abuzz with activity. Everywhere she looked, Alana saw her classmates (former classmates, she realized with a grin) squealing and hugging and jumping around while they waited for their families to come find them.

Alana decided to make the most of her time by hugging and congratulating as many people as possible. She knew it would all be over for her once her sisters arrived. She’d be trapped in a never-ending round of pictures and selfies and videos.

She spun around when she heard someone timidly say her name. She was surprised when she saw that the speaker was Jared Kleinman. Alana’s eyebrows knitted together as she looked from Jared to Zoe and back again.

“I, uh…” Jared looked at Zoe quickly. She rolled her eyes and nudged his arm. “Okay, look, I think I owe you an apology.”

Zoe cleared her throat loudly and shook her head at him.

“I mean, I know I owe you an apology. I’m…” Jared sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I was going to delete the video earlier, but Zoe thought I should do it in front of you.”

Alana leaned over to watch as he unlocked the screen and opened his gallery. His thumb hovered above the video for a moment. She could tell it pained him to do this. The thought made her kind of giddy. 

She still wasn’t quite sure how they had ended up battling each other. She wasn’t even sure that they really were battling each other. She’d just been so upset about the video that she…

She didn’t want to dwell on that. On any of it. It was over. Done. She was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

She’d decided to go to school far away from home. Not as far as California, but it was at least an eight-hour drive. It was kind of thrilling and terrifying to think about.

No one from her high school was going there. She’d checked. 

Alan had been disappointed when he heard, but he claimed he understood her reasoning. Alice was clearly jealous that Alana had the freedom to go that far. She tried to mask her jealousy by agreeing with Alicia whenever she said that Alana would come crawling home within two weeks of leaving.

Tracy had panicked when she’d heard where Alana was going. Alana had a feeling her decision had influenced Tracy’s choice. Their colleges were only an hour apart. Alana wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Part of starting over meant figuring out who she was without any of the people in her life around.

That didn’t mean pushing everyone away though, she decided. And it was sort of comforting to know that Tracy would be nearby. It made her feel…

Alana’s heart skipped a beat when she realized that Jared really was going to delete the video. Her hand flew out to stop him.

“Hey,” Alana said quickly. “Do you mind sending that to me first?”

Jared blinked at her in surprise before turning to get Zoe’s permission. 

“Sure,” he said slowly once Zoe had nodded.

Alana grinned as her phone chimed. She looked down to confirm that the video had arrived safe and sound. 

“Okay,” Alana said solemnly. “Now, you can delete it.”

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 5:00 PM**

Connor inhaled sharply when he saw them coming. He could feel his eyes twitching as he searched for an escape route. 

There were none.

Because that was the kind of luck he was bound to have.

His heart began to slow down when he felt someone squeeze his hand. He didn’t have to look up to know that it was Evan, but he did anyway. It was good to know he wasn’t in this alone.

“Connor! Congratulations! I never thought we’d see this day come!” 

Connor swallowed harshly as he tried to ignore his uncle’s laughter. He absentmindedly tightened his grip on Evan’s hand.

“And you must be the boyfriend,” Kevin announced. His smile didn’t meet his eyes as he looked Evan up and down.

“Evan, this is my uncle Kevin and-”

“We met,” Josh interrupted. “At Christmas.”

“Y-yeah,” Evan nodded. 

“So, I hear you’re going to be a scientist?” Kevin asked Evan. “Is that right?”

“I, uh, I’m not sure, exactly,” Evan stammered. “I mean, I want to do something in-in science, but I’m not sure what yet.”

“Josh here is planning to be a lawyer,” Kevin informed him.

“Oh,” Evan muttered. “That’s… good for him, I guess?”

“He’s always been such a good student. It runs in the family. I was top of my class. So was Larry. Kelsey’s a straight-A student and I hear Zoe does very well too. Josh, though, he-”

“I thought you said he was taking some time off.”

Connor bristled when he heard his father behind him. 

“Oh, well, just for a little while,” Kevin chuckled. “He’s been working so hard these past few years that-”

“Didn’t you say he’s on academic probation?” Larry asked thoughtfully. “At least, that’s what I thought you said when you called to get my opinion on whether he can still-”

“Dad!” Josh hissed. His hands flew up angrily as he stormed away from the group.

“Was that necessary?” Kevin snapped.

“I don’t know,” Larry retorted. “Was it necessary for you to come over here and harass my son?”

“I wasn’t-”

“Oh, don’t give me that.”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed as he met his brother’s glare. “I think I’ll go get something to drink.”

Larry grinned when he spotted someone coming down the hall. “Good idea. I’ll join you, but first there’s someone I should say hi to. You remember Cynthia’s sister, Jamie, don’t you?”

Connor leaned against the wall as soon as they were out of sight. He shook his head at Evan and laughed. “See, I told you!”

“Okay,” Evan agreed. “You were right…”

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 6:30 PM**

Cynthia frantically dabbed at her eyes when she saw the handle turn. Her forced smiled quickly turned into genuine laughter when she saw who it was. The look on Heidi’s face was so reminiscent of the apprehensive expression Evan often sported that Cynthia couldn’t help thinking that they must be more alike than she’d realized.

“Sorry,” Heidi apologized. “I wasn’t trying to intrude.”

“It’s fine,” Cynthia assured her. “I just needed a minute to myself.”

“I’ll leave you alone then,” Heidi nodded. “I just wanted to say thank you before I head out.”

“You’re leaving?”

“I’m supposed to meet some friends for dinner. I already told Evan I’m going. I think he’s planning to stay here tonight.”

“I figured,” Cynthia smiled. 

“Is everything okay?” Heidi asked quietly. “I can take Evan home if-”

“It’s fine, really,” Cynthia cut in. “I just… This whole day has been emotional. It’s a good thing Connor stayed at your house last night. I don’t think I would’ve made it to the ceremony if he’d been here this morning.”

“I can’t believe Evan’s done with high school,” Heidi shook her head. “It seems like he was just starting kindergarten and now…”

“It’s more than that. I… There were so many times I was sure Connor would never make it. I was sure he’d fail or drop out or… After everything last spring, I… The fact that he did it, he actually graduated…”

“I know what you mean.”

“It’s because of Evan. All of this. The fact that he graduated, that he’s healthy and happy. That’s all due to Evan.”

Heidi looked down and took a breath. “I know you’ve said that, but I’m sure there’s more to it than-”

“Those letters they wrote, that was the start. None of this… Your son changed everything for him.”

“That goes both ways, you know.”

“To some extent, maybe, but… You should be proud of Evan.”

“We should both be proud of our sons,” Heidi insisted.

Cynthia smiled and nodded slightly. “Come. I’ll walk you out.”

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 7:00 PM**

“Having fun?” Zoe laughed as she sat on the steps next to Connor.

“Shut up,” Connor scowled.

“Oh, come on. None of that now. You need to be happy. Big smiles!” Zoe clasped her hands under chin and grinned up at him.

“How many more pictures can she possibly take?”

“Mom’s trying to figure out what combinations she hasn’t done yet.”

“Oh my God,” Connor moaned.

“Jamie?” Cynthia called from across the lawn. “Where’s Jamie? I haven’t gotten one of her with Connor.”

“Go ahead and laugh while you can,” Connor muttered to his sister. “This’ll be you next year.”

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 7:30 PM**

“Hey!” Evan hissed as he tried to pull his arm free. “Stop! You don’t have to pinch me.”

“Hurry up then!” Jared retorted. He prodded Evan’s shoulder and nodded at Connor’s room. “In there.”

Evan shook his head as Jared shut the door behind them. “Okay, what was that about?”

“They’re taking a family photo.”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, I had to get you out of there,” Jared said matter-of-factly. 

“Why?”

“Because if you were there, Connor would’ve tried to pull you into the picture. Which would’ve made Zoe try to pull me in. We should not be in their family portrait.”

“Oh... Why do you think-”

“Because I have eyes. Because there’s absolutely no way Connor wouldn’t have wanted you next to him in the picture.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded. “And that would’ve been a mistake. Trust me. My cousin Ian insisted on having his girlfriend pose with us when he graduated. They broke up two weeks later. His mom’s still pissed that Leah’s in the shot.”

“Wait, so-”

“Oh, relax,” Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not saying you and Connor are going to break up in two weeks. I’m not even saying that Zoe and I are going to break up in two weeks. I’m just being realistic and that means-”

“Do you think you and Zoe are going to stay together? Next year, I mean. Have you thought about it?”

Jared chuckled and let out a low whistle. “Wow, okay. That’s a very, uh, direct question.”

“Sorry…” Evan cringed. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“No, no, it’s cool,” Jared shrugged. “I don’t know. Honestly, I have no idea. I hope we do. I really like her and I don’t know… Do I think we’re going to be together forever? Eh…”

“Connor and I-”

“Will be together forever. Relax,” Jared smirked. “You guys have that whole freaky codependency thing going for you. I don’t see that going away anytime soon.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Evan said anxiously.

“I mean it in the best possible way,” Jared said quickly. “It’s just… You guys are, you know, you. And Zoe and I… We’re different. She’ll probably forget about me as soon as I’m gone.”

“That’s not true.”

“Maybe not, but probably so. We’ll try for a while and then… Who knows though, right? Stranger things have happened. Maybe we’ll get married and have 2.5 kids and-”

“How can you have half a kid?”

Jared stared at him and laughed. “Have you always been this sarcastic or is this Connor’s influence rearing its ugly head?”

“Bit of both, I think.”

“Yeah, that’s probably true… So, anyway, who knows? Maybe Zoe and I will someday tell our grandkids about how we met. About how it’s all due to the fact that Uncle Connor decided it was a good idea to go and catfish Uncle Evan.”

“That’s-”

“True and you know it.”

Evan nodded distractedly as he stared down at the street below. “Are you staying here tonight?”

“No!” Jared shook his head adamantly. “Are you kidding me? After that last time-”

“We didn’t do anything!”

“No, but… There was spooning. You guys were… And it’s graduation night. There’s no way you two aren’t… You know…”

Evan took a breath and tried to will his face to stop turning red. He knew it was pointless to argue with Jared, but part of him still wanted to try. “We really aren’t-”

“Yeah, sure you’re not,” Jared winked. 

Evan glared at him for a moment before looking away. “Well, you might want to head downstairs if you’re not staying. It looks like your parents are getting in their car.”

“What?” Jared jumped up and ran to the window. “I told them not to leave without me!”

Evan chuckled as he watched Jared sprint towards the door. “Are we still on for tomorrow? Lunch at Louie’s, right?”

“Yeah,” Jared grinned. “I’ll see you around one… if you have the strength to stand.”

Evan refused to give Jared the satisfaction of seeing him react. He kept his face blank as he watched his friend fly out of the room.

That didn’t stop Jared from cackling as he ran down the stairs though.

 

**Saturday, June 9, 2018 8:45 PM**

Evan tilted his head back to face the window when he heard it creak open behind him. He watched as Connor climbed out and slid down next to him.

“There you are,” Connor sighed. “I was starting to think you’d left.”

“I would’ve told you I was leaving.”

“I know, but…” Connor stared at him curiously. “What’re you doing out here anyway?”

“I wanted to watch the sunset and then I, uh, started people-watching.”

“See anything interesting?”

“Your cousin Josh got into a screaming match with someone on his phone.”

“Could you hear what he said?”

“Not really,” Evan shook his head. “Something about a dentist, I think.”

“That’s weird.”

“Yeah.”

Connor’s cheeks puffed out as he squinted at the sky. “So, I was thinking and you know it’s our anniversary soon, right?”

“Tomorrow,” Evan nodded. “Three months.”

“Oh, yeah,” Connor frowned. “I mean, that’s true, but I was thinking about the other one.”

“What other one?”

“June 25. The day we started writing to each other.”

“You mean, the day I sent you a long, rambling message about how weird it was to be writing to someone I don’t know and you responded by telling me to bleep myself.”

“To bleep yourself?” Connor laughed.

“That’s, uh, that’s how I always read it when you were auto-censored,” Evan explained.

“You kept writing to me. Even though I was…”

“An asshole?”

Connor stared at him in amazement. “Go bleep yourself.”

“What? You were!”

“Yeah, I know,” Connor admitted. “You kept trying though. Why?”

“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. “Because I needed to do something and because… Because I kept wondering why you were on there. I kept thinking there must be more to you than what you were showing me. That, at the very least, you had someone in your life who was pushing for you to get better.”

“You got all that from a bunch of auto-censored messages?”

“I guess… I don’t know. There were times where I thought I was seeing what I wanted to see. Where it made me feel better to think that I wasn’t the only one feeling like that.”

“You weren’t.”

“I know.”

A wave of silence fell over them. Connor scooted over so that their arms were touching. He smiled as he took Evan’s hand. “What’re you thinking about?”

Evan yawned as he stared at the moon. “Nothing… Everything…”

Connor nodded knowingly. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm marking this story as complete because I think it is. For now, at least. I'm not ruling out the possibility that I will decide to revisit these characters later on. In fact, knowing how my brain works, it won't shock me if I wake up tomorrow with an idea that I simply must write.
> 
> At the very least, I'd say there's a 50-50 chance that I'll eventually decide to write some college based stories.
> 
> In case this really is it for this series though, I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting and giving kudos. I've had a lot of fun writing about these characters and I hope you've all enjoyed reading about them.


End file.
